Biggest Wiener

Last night Abby, her friend Jen, and I ventured to Galapagos for Love Ahoy, a nautically-themed live dating game show. I don’t know what I was expecting, but with a hot dog eating contest, a dare bucket, an unforgettable Irish jig, and glittery pasties, I think it was an evening well spent. Did “Lost” have a dare bucket and pasties?? Did it? I didn’t think so. (Although, if it did, don’t tell me because I want to be surprised when we watch it tonight.) (I’m assuming it was only okay since Real Girl’s email to me this morning was all, “So, any thoughts on Lost?” and not “OMG!!! DINOSAURS!” or something.) (The real loss about missing ANTM is having to wait a week to read fourfour’s recap. I honestly get more upset at the thought of missing the recap than the actual show.) (We’re done with parenthetical asides. For now.)

Anyway, the stage at Galapagos was set up to look like The Dating Game, with a (drunk) bachelorette on one side of a partition, and three competing bachelors on the other side. She asked questions and set up challenges and the dudes worked to make her love them. Though, honestly, we weren’t sure this girl was such a hot pick. It may have been the drunken factor, but she seemed a little…low key? Freaked out? Her bio included a fact about making creative cat toys and when the host pressed her for her most MacGyver-esque creation, the best she could do was, “A tinfoil ball? Sometimes ribbon?”

Seeing everyone up doing the challenges and answering questions really made me appreciate how much you need all your senses to make an informed decision about your romantic compatibility with another person. Like, for instance, someone may be a good-looking guy with a sense of humor and a nice personality, but if he is wearing, say, a turtleneck sweater with a giant gold cross over it, chances are we wouldn’t be a match made in heaven. In fact, I will go as far as to say that the existence of a gold cross over a turtleneck is the ONLY thing I would need to know about a potential love interest to disqualify him. I’m sure he’s a good guy. We would just never have dated.

Crazy Legs was on hand to host the hot dog eating portion of the evening. He flexed his competitive eating skills and downed a Nathan’s dog in about 6 seconds. It was an impressive display, and one that will hopefully cross over to this weekend, where he’ll be competing in the first in the round of qualifiers to determine who sits at the big table on July 4th at Coney Island. But get this: not only is he going to consume a monster amount of hot dogs on Saturday, he’s flying out to Boston to compete in the Boston Marathon on Monday. I mean, holy! It’s like some really twisted biathlon. (In an email, he wrote, “It will be a feat of intestinal and podiatric fortitude. I hope to pull neither an esophagus nor a hamstring.”) Anyway, the bachelors only ate a dog apiece, but had to display style. Crazy Legs manned the grill the rest of the evening, and I felt bad that he was stuck in a corner in the crowded bar over a propane grill. He was sweet enough to toss some free dogs our way.

Our favorite bachelor of the evening was #1, who really impressed us when it came to perform during the talent portion. He came out dressed in American flag garb and it seemed obvious he was going to break dance. But lo:

Maybe it was because the bachelorette couldn’t SEE the dancing or tell from our delighted cheers that this was definitely the guy, but she didn’t end up impressed by #1. In the end, she picked #2 and all of them—she, he, the turtleneck, and the gold cross—won the dinner for two.