Firstly: So You Think You

Firstly: So You Think You Can Ice Skate? Dave Coulier and Nancy Kerrigan couple skating. Need I say more? Well, if you insist: Debbie Gibson and Kurt Browning. Okay, dancing is one thing, but holy shit if I would trust the guy from Full House to swing me around by my feet in general, not to mention if blades and an ice rink were involved. Also, speaking as someone who has had her fair share of figure skating days, contrary to popular belief, learning to skate involves a little more than rising to the challenge and finding your toe pick. Needless to say, this should be GOLD.

Second: J found the best infomercial ever to be aired ever. It was for the Bedazzler. And TANA was pitching it. I KNOW! Did you just die? Because I did. I’m dead.

I was in a hurry after lunch and picking up a quick item at Duane Reade. (If you’re from New York, I bet you already know this story’s headed no where good REAL FAST.) I thought I lucked out, snagging a number two place in line behind a mother and her 20-something daughter amidst the long lines, but problems quickly mounted. The mom had a $5 reward coupon, but had only brought up $4.84 worth of merchandise. The cashier told her she needed meet or exceed $5 to use the coupon. This is the point where a normal person would grab a candy bar and call it a day, but this woman was DISMAYED. She stood there and fretted for about two minutes.

Woman: How much is this chapstick?
Cashier: $1.99
W: Oh, never mind. Um…hmmm.
Daughter: Just grab a candy.
W: I don’t like candy.
D: You don’t like any candy? What about a York?
W: No. Oh, hmm. Uh. Lessee…uh. How much is the candy?
C: $.75
W: I only need about $.16. Can’t I just give you $.16?
C: No.
W: [tentatively picking up candy and putting it back] hmmm. Uuuhhh…

At this point I snapped and grabbed a Peanut Chew telling her I would GIVE HER A DOLLAR if she would just buy the [goddamn freakin’] candy for me.

W: Oh, no. [grabbing Starbursts reluctantly] I’ll just take these.

Then there was an additional 5 minutes of waiting when her coupon wouldn’t scan, but the rest of the lines remained long, keeping me from hopping over. This was ALMOST enough time to strangle her and her daughter and all the Duane Reade workers and run away, but not quite. It was enough time for the woman to drop a used tissue on the ground and shove it under the candy display with her foot.

Here’s a more uplifting commerce story: This morning my boss was getting in his car and noticed a lady nearby getting ready to drive off with a cup of coffee on her roof. He rolled down his window, got her attention, and made all the pointing up motions. She rolled down her window and said, “Thanks, but this is a Starbucks car. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for being so nice.” The cup was apparently affixed to the top of the car as part of this publicity stunt. So, eyes peeled for wandering Starbucks cups.

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