Letters

Dear stomach, While I appreciate the fact that you have been indulgently filled with an exorbitant amount of decadent food for the past two weeks, I would like to gently remind you that the honeymoon is indeed over and I can no longer provide you with the foods you are so desperately craving, neither in quality nor quantity. I know for a fact you are usually fine with a bowl of cereal and some tea and a light lunch, and I’m actually finding it rather annoying that you’re grumbling around not half an hour after I gave you the latter. Furthermore, even if I wanted to give you heaping portions of delicious things cooked in butter and heated to a crisp, I don’t have access to those things anymore. I have some dry Raisin Bran, a V8, and $1 to buy something, all of which I’ve offered you and which you’ve rebuffed. Lastly, I shouldn’t have to remind you that there is no more fridge full of chocolate cake to have whenever you want. Stop it with the cravings.

Sincerely,

Liz

Dear California,
We had the pleasure of visiting you on a recent trip, and found everything much to our liking. I do believe we may have left behind something and I’m wondering if there’s any chance of you shipping it back or perhaps just giving it a big shove eastward? It’s that hard-to-miss burning star up there? Yeah, it seems New York is just a giant sopping mess without it and, frankly, I don’t know how much longer we’ll last without it. Thanks in advance.

Much appreciated,

Liz

Dear Subconscious Wry Sense of Humor,
Perhaps I deserved to be taken advantage of in my sleepy and disoriented state this morning, and although discovering on the subway that I did not have my reading glasses, but DID have two glow-in-the-dark condoms from a certain bachelorette party is admittedly humorous, it does not help me look at the computer screen or read piles of slush. Perhaps your timing could have been more appropriate.

Best,

Liz

Dear J,
I apologize for identifying A Knight's Tale as your favorite movie. I officially qualify the statement with it being ONE of your favorites. I acknowledge here that you also really like Popeye.

Love, Liz

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