Shortly after we got engaged,

Shortly after we got engaged, Krista lent us a big white book called Bride’s (All New!) Book of Etiquette by the editors of Bride’s Magazine. Even though there is an implication they’ve updated the content from the original 1948 edition, let me tell you—there’s some, how shall we say, stagnant passages. This edition was printed in 1993, and there are glaring clues that either the 1993 editors were the editorial assistants of 1948 or there have been some very progressive wedding steps taken in the past 12 years.

While flipping through the book looking for guidance on invitation wording, I landed on the gift section, where they’ve conveniently listed some appropriate gifts to give the wedding party. I started rattling them off to J, but had to stop when we were both laughing so hard I had tears running down my face and I kept choking out, “I’m going to throw up from laughing!” It’s not just that the gift suggestions are fairly gender/age stereotypical (though they are), or that some of them are glaringly out of date (again, awesomely so), but that a lot of them are just plain ludicrous. I’d like to think the editors had something tasteful and lovely in mind when they suggest “topiary” for a gift, but…wha? Topiary? Like a giant giraffe-shaped hedge? Make room in your apartment, Kelly!

Anyway, the lists really speak for themselves, so without further ado:

Gifts for Bridesmaids:
gloves
heart shaped lockets
charms
handkerchiefs
atomizers
pillows filled with potpourri—reminiscent of their bouquets
pewter cups
business card or contact lens cases
silver hair combs
crystal bud vases
voice-controlled alarm clocks [do these exist? The hell?]
topiaries

And for the Ushers:Belt buckles
bar jiggers
pen and pencil sets
leather pocket agendas with wedding dates marked [not the free ones you get from real estate agents]
comb and brush sets
book marks
suspenders [daper!]

For the Mothers:
enamel pillboxes
appointment books [their medication makes them so forgetful!]

Let’s Not Forget Fathers:
pewter or crystal beer mugs
paperweights
electronic beepers [as opposed to the hand-cranked ones]
mobile phones

For Bride From the Groom:
leather handbag or luggage [they don’t specify Coach]
breakfast tray
porcelain tea set
porcelain figurine
puppy [don’t forget rainbows and smiles!]
sports bag
bicycle
jogging suit
health-club membership [yeah, these last ones will go over well]
hair brush and comb [presumably not from Duane Reade]
skates
riding clothes [girls like horses]
travel iron
travel hair dryer [21st century, here I come!]
canoe [canoe??]
silver-plated key to new home [or a comb, whatever]

Gifts I could get J:
attaché case
camera
TV [you mean a porcelain figurine of a TV?]
CD player and favorite CDs [do you wrap up his collection in nice paper?]
VCR and video-store membership [we’re kicking the future into high gear, now!]
answering machine
calculator [like a TI81?]
shower massage
whirlpool bath
shower radio [this guy loooves his bath time!]
oversized bed pillows [yeah.]
passport holder
money belt
stadium blanket
CB radio
cooler [Not just a cooler, honey, look inside! A CB radio!]

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