If we: leave the blinds

If we: leave the blinds open Then: the neighbor cat comes and gets in big yelling fights with Max at ungodly hours of the morning If we: close the blinds Then: Max rattles the blinds incessantly trying to open them If we: close the bedroom door Then: Max claws and yowls outside the door So: Liz goes craaazzy in the mornings from lack of sleep.

But: off we went to Great Barrington, MA for the long weekend and my friends’ deep, dark, basement of blessed sleep. This was seriously the darkest basement I’ve ever encountered. After we’d arrived in the afternoon, we’d had a full day of visiting, and eating, and going to see “Kung Fu Hustle” (rockin!), so by the time we were ready for bed, we were really ready for bed. My friend escorted us to the basement and made a joke about turning on the side lamp before flipping the switch across the room to the overhead light so we could find our way around. Or at least we thought it was a joke.

I was so tired, that I fell asleep approximately 3 seconds after we nestled in and turned off the side lamp. Several hours later, I woke up having to go to the bathroom and realized I couldn’t see a single thing in the room. Not one thing. So I did what you do when you’re groggy and in a strange place and can’t see and are being ordered around by your bladder: I inched, with my arms extended zombie-like in front of me, very slowly in the direction in which I thought I remembered the bathroom to be. Somewhere in the middle of the room, I had the thought that I was seriously fucked. My bearings were dubious, and I either had to find the wall with the light switch or I was doomed to wander the basement until dawn. (See how kind I am? It didn’t even occur to me to wake J). Luckily, I (eventually) found the wall after a small detour into a forsaken corner. Making it back to bed was easy because I was primed with the light from the bathroom before making the straight shot back to bed.

A while later, I was awakened again by J stumbling up to go to the bathroom. He is even groggier than I am in the middle of the night, so I knew this was going nowhere fast. He made it out a couple steps before I could warn him.

Liz: J! It’s really dark. You’re going to just have to walk in a straight line and aim for the back wall.
J: [stumbles in opposite direction]
Liz: No, you’re headed the wrong way.
J: [whimpers] I’m lost!
Liz: Hold on!
J: [drops to the floor] I’m going to lie down.
Liz: Stay there, I’m coming for you!

Equipped with my newfound knowledge of traversing the dark, I gallantly shuffled towards J, who was applying his Boy Scout survival skills, which call for one to stay where one is when one is lost, say, in the woods. I tripped over his ankle, and I helped him up to edge our way to the bathroom. I then made my way back to the bed and when J was done, I guided him back with my voice.

Then next morning I told my friend they should equip guests with flashlights down there and he asked me why I didn’t just use the side lamp.

Oh. Lamp.

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