In the elevator Woman: And

Woman: And how’s Anne?
Man: Good, she’s dong well. They are actually inducing labor today.
Woman: Oh, really?
Man: Yeah, it’s a week past her due date and she has a big baby boy. And you know us boys: we never want to leave!
Woman: Ha ha ha!

Leave where? The UTERUS? Is that where you boys never want to leave?

On the subway

There is just something very dirty about eating on the subway. I understand there will be occasional emergencies that will warrant the occasional emergency snack on the go, but even in my most dire moments, I never ventured anything less dry than an energy bar or packaged candy. Maybe a slice of pizza, but only at 3:00 a.m. after drinking, and that is always a dire situation. But everyday food? During commute times? Even if the food never touches anything subway or leaves your hands, you are still eating in an environment where it is largely ignored if someone—who may or may not be dead—is slumped over in a corner covered in flattened cardboard boxes.

This morning a young man was noisily chowing down on some sort of breakfast bagel, with the cheese and sausage and egg spilling out onto the wrapper he had opened on his lap. So not only did we have to listen to him eating his food in the meditative quiet of the morning commute, we had to smell it. And in case you’ve never experienced it, greasy sausage in a crowded winter subway car is not exactly an olfactory delight you want to start your day with.

Then last night a woman was eating a container of yogurt on the platform. With her finger.

Dear people who have never been to New York,

Despite what you may see around you while visiting our fair city, there are a few instances where it is best not to look to the locals for proper etiquette or hygiene. For instance, don’t lick/suck your fingers in the subway. While on the subways, in fact, refrain from any activities that would lead to the licking/sucking of the fingers, including eating cheetos, sticky buns, and YOGURT WITH YOUR FINGERS.

Thank you and god bless.