You know how much I

You know how much I love FreshDirect? A lot. They manage to take the whole awful New York grocery shopping experience and condense it into a half hour of online clicking, and then the groceries magically appear at your front door hours later. Love it. But there are downfalls. Like say opening your box of dairy goods and finding not 6 little containers of Stonybrook Farm Vanilla Yogurt like you thought you ordered, but SIX GIANT TUBS of it. Which they won’t take back. If anyone knows any good yogurt recipes, I’m all ears.

I felt like a super asshole for spending $15 on like 5 pounds of yogurt. Like I have nothing better to do with money than fling it ridiculously at dairy overindulgences.

But perhaps since FreshDirect won’t pay me back, karma is looking to. I was standing at the subway platform waiting for the train, when something shiny on the ground caught my eye. Normally, you do not under any conditions pick up something off the ground on a subway platform unless, just for kicks, you are trying to get tetanus. I pushed it around a little with my shoe, trying to decide whether it was someone’s 2 caret diamond or whether Maria lost a bedazzle off her jacket. Finally, I decided I couldn’t risk not picking up loose diamonds that maybe belong to a rich person who would reward me richly for returning their prized jewel.

I took it home to J who promptly applied some home testing practices to determine Glam or Sham (it’s our own reality show!). I should probably explain that while I am 99.9% sure that there is no way someone could lose a diamond this big on a subway platform, the thing sure looks like a diamond. So someone probably lost a well-executed fakey diamond, which if you think about it, isn’t that much less strange. Just less rich for me. The maybe-diamond scratched up some glass and didn’t do anything when held to a flame. I guess I’ll bring it to the jeweler when I get my engagement ring in a couple weeks. This is the sort of thing where I’m debating whether it’s actually worth it to look like a complete tool when the jeweler tells me it’s the crown piece for Polly Pocket’s castle playset.

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