December 2004 Archives
J helped decorate the tree this year. Our ornaments seem much stranger and more funny than I remember. Here are my favorites:
J asked if this was an ashtray. It is not, but it does appear to be a Precious Moments moment painted on the inside of a really ugly shell and shellacked. Christmas time!
This was originally a birthday cake decoration. It, at one point, had a whole body. The hows and whys of the trip it took from decorative topper to hideously scary disembodied clown head ornament remains a mystery. Egg nog? Cookie?
This one’s not so much scary as embarrassing. For me. I have decided to reclaim me embarrassment by posting my second grade school picture ornament on the internet. Happy Festivus!
This one is totally my favorite. A friend of my dad’s made heart-shaped bagels many years ago and gave them away to everyone. My dad was so impressed by the baked good that he shellacked it and promoted it to Christmas tree decoration.
Willow’s man was in town last night and we all went driving around the mountains showing off our Colorado heritage. If you were on the car tour with us, we would have shown you the flying saucer house.
Also buffalo:
We drove around Silver Plume, a tiny mountain community where Willow spent a lot of time growing up. Tourists hit the place up on the weekends, so everything was closed. None of the small town charm was lost on us, though. Here’s a bread box that sits outside the local bakery. You pay on the honor system.
More about wedding dress shopping later. Suffice to say I am a pretty pretty princess.
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I know you are all on the edges of your seats for the most dramatic ceremony yet in Glam vs. Sham, featuring the maybe-diamond found on the 28th Street subway platform, so I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Our sparkling little 1.5 caret non-fogger is…sigh. Sham. Although, honestly, watching the jeweler test the hunk of glass almost made up for the disappointing turn. Forget breathing on it and scraping glass candle holders, when you get to the jewelry store you are in for some serious high tech shit, yo. The jeweler was very eager to get to show off his diamond tester toy to us. It looked like a thick stylus with a light up meter on the side. Touch the tip to a diamond, the meter lights up from red to green; touch dirty subway glass, the meter does exactly nothing.
But truly, one can only be so disappointed when one is sitting on plush little seats before cases and cases of sparkly jewelry and one is picking out one’s engagement ring setting. I have this little allergy, which causes me to break out into itchy gross rashes when my skin is in prolonged contact with metals cut with nickel. After realizing that white gold is made with nickel, we had a moment where we realized the choices were yellow gold, rash finger, or platinum. And since we don’t live in Florida or the 80’s, I am excited that my little heirloom emerald cut diamond will be nestled in a very luxurious home.
I also got a strange ego boost from listening to the young jeweler telling me how long and slender my fingers are and how tiny my knuckles are. Tiny knuckles, huh? I guess you take the compliments where they come.
Every time I come home these days, my parents have been working on a new house project or collected a new piece of art, or done something empty-nesty and converted a room or something. But lately? Their choices have been somewhat, er, interesting. Their new furniture, for instance. Here are the new kitchen chairs:
They bought them from a Mexican restaurant that was moving and changing out inventory. I would write something funny, but I don’t know what else to add to that. I’m just going to let the sun do the talking.
Here’s our cat, Honey. This cat just gets bigger and fluffier every time I see her. I do believe she is in the Mr. Bones family of obese white cats. A cousin maybe.
Dear Carolyn,
COME ON and pull it together woman! I thought you were getting it together this season, I really did. We didn't have to endure one episode where your necklace hung breezily over your turtleneck sweater. Your make up didn't look like it was applied by an octogenarian cosmetology student and your hair was cut a bit shorter and actually looked like it cost more than 20 bucks at Supercuts to get it trimmed. But Carolyn, sweet Carolyn what were you thinking last night? You were in Lincoln Center for Christ's sake. You didn't have to go overboard like Sandy and wear the
flamenco/bull fighter outfit or wear pink satin like Amy, but for God's sake....BROWN! A ribbed brown polyester shirt and matching skirt? You were in Lincoln Center...on stage...in front of millions. You didn't even have your hair trimmed for the occasion. And really, you should have made them fix the lighting on you. Don't let Trump steal all the spotlights for himself. You could have used a little pink lighting on your cheeks so you didn't look so...so....so dead!
I know you have to be making some moneythese days and haven't you ever heard that lots of designers will actually donate clothes for big events like last night? They will because lots of people comment on what you wear and if you look good, people will write, God that Carolyn looked hot on tv last night, she was wearing Donna Karan
and boy that was lovely. See, good press for you and more sales at her store for Donna Karan, it's a win win situation. But last night Carolyn you lost. You lost your new dressing well points, you lost your glow, and Carolyn worst of all you made me cringe every time they showed you in that damn brown outfit and my neck hurt after awhile.
Next time Carolyn give me a call if you have any questions. Honestly, I'll even go to Saks with you and help you pick something nice. George doesn't have these problems and even Trump for all his gaudy-ass decorating still manages to look halfway decent with his pink ties and pin-stripe suits. So do us all a favor and put a little thought into what you put on your body in the mornings...or when you are going to be on stage at Lincoln center...we will all thank you in the morning.
Love and Kisses,
Krista
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Unrelated to the holidays, my brain has been obsessing lately over a very weird short film I caught on TV probably 15 years ago. It was claymation and featured an old couple who kept to themselves and somehow managed to unwittingly survive a nuclear bomb that killed off everyone else. As far as I remember, the whole thing consisted of them toddling around being confused abut where everyone was and why there was no electricity or gas, all the while slowly dying of radiation poisoning. So far google has yielded no results, although I did have to do some quick explaining to my co-worker awhile back when she saw “old couple, nuclear bomb, claymation” in my search box.
I’ve also had the random urge to watch the Ewok Adventure again. J has told me that it was a made-for-TV movie, which surprised me. I imagined it as a wide release that EVERYONE has seen. When we were little, my parents made a whole collection of movies for us by taping them off the television, and I’ve realized my understanding of the significance of certain movies is a bit skewed. Not only that, but because the made-for-TV versions were often edited, there was the traumatizing experience of eventually catching an un-edited version later in life and realizing I had missed WHOLE SCENES. I grew up not knowing that the girl and boy in Ol’ Yeller had a long, boring talk at some point in the movie. I know, cry for me now.
My urge to watch the Ewok Adventure definitely outweighs any actual memories of the film, which pretty much consist of Wicket going “Stah cruisah! Crish crish!” and of the brother getting trapped under a magic pond and rescued by a magic stick.
Don't know if I'll get a chance to post before I take off for Denver, so start getting excited now for the stunning conclusion of Glam or Sham and updates on which wedding dresses I got to try on. Snazzy.
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Evidence one Christmas miracle: beloved handmade earrings given to me by friend that have been lost for many months—and for which I diligently searched in every conceivable pocket, purse, and drawer—turned up, lying side by side, in the middle of our bedroom floor.
Evidence sad, sad journey to Macy’s, in which I succumbed like the sad last-minute shopper I am to every sale, bargain, and credit card offer they happened to throw at me. Which were many. Many and great.
Evidence one afternoon spent with children helping them construct gingerbread houses. Also note Krista’s and my house shamelessly besting 7-year-olds’ houses with features such as a coi pond, dog run, and line of Teddy Grahams riding the roof of our house like cowboys.
Evidence consuming in one afternoon: spiked hot cider, hot buttered rum, eggnog ice cream, iced sugar cookies, onion dip, artichoke spinach dip, pumpkin butterscotch cookies, fudge ball, and many many chips. Stomach ache and “Arrested Development” were to follow.
Evidence all of this getting conflicting with regular gym schedule. Honestly, who has time to work out when there’s fudge balls to eat and fondue lunches to attend? And it's not like I'm going wedding dress shopping in a week or anything. No need to look svelte when trying on white dresses in front of a gaggle of relatives and friends. Nope.
Also this commercial? Hi-larity. We were quoting it all weekend, which I guess makes their marketing campaign successful.
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Bestest Spinach and Artichoke Dip That Will Win You Friends
Serves 12
1/2 Cup fresh shallots, minced
2 10-oz. packages of chopped frozen spinach, thawed and drained
4 cloves fresh garlic, minced
4 T butter
2 8-oz. cans quartered artichoke hearts, drained
2 Cups heavy cream (I use half-and-half)
8 oz. garlic herb cheese (I use the Philly cream cheese variety)
1 t salt
1/2 t (white) pepper
1/4 Cup freshly grated Parmesean cheese
In a large frying pan, saute shallots and garlic in butter over medium hear. Add well-drained spinach and artichokes and cook on low heat briefly. Add cream, garlic, herb cheese, salt and pepper. Simmer until cheese is melted and mixture is blended. Remove from heat, and fold in the grated Parmesan cheese. Place in heatproof crock pot or ramekin.
This is easily made ahead of time and reheated for your blow out party. Great with pita chips. Probably great with an Apprentice grand finale party.
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I took my local bridesmaids-to-be shopping for dresses last night. Now, I actually really LIKE my bridesmaids, so it is important to me that they look good in their dresses and don’t feel like a lamp or look like a festively wrapped present the entire night. And while it would seem obvious that other brides would have similar intentions, after browsing the selection at this store, there is just no way that some of these dresses have been brought into existence for anything other than public humiliation.
In stores like these, they have just one sample dress for everyone to try on and squint into something that actually fits correctly. Adding to the difficulty of trying to imagine the sample dress in the right size, is the difficulty of trying to imagine it any color other than bright bright pink with orange piping. Which is hard to do. It’s pretty amazing how easily my thoughts on style are prejudiced by bright bright pink with orange piping.
Luckily, the one we ended up liking came in a nice sample color of black, so all’s well.
I got home in time to watch the Top Models J had taped for me (best fiancé EVER) and watch prophet Ahe’s predictions come to be. Also, are you ready to feel sorry for me? The children’s book workshop I helped organize is happening at the same time as the Apprentice finale next week. I feel as though I have worked very hard all season watching and judging, judging and snarking, only to be denied the very three hour finale extravaganza that it was all leading up to! Of course I could tape it, but I don’t feel very confident in my ability to get through Friday without finding out who was crowned king baby-Trump. Although I suppose it will be Kelly. Because it sure won’t be Sandy. Why is she still here?
Oh god. We, just this minute, got a package at the office from my mom, who has sent us an advance tin of the family’s secret recipe toffee. Am drooling too much to type now. Must eat.
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I felt like a super asshole for spending $15 on like 5 pounds of yogurt. Like I have nothing better to do with money than fling it ridiculously at dairy overindulgences.
But perhaps since FreshDirect won’t pay me back, karma is looking to. I was standing at the subway platform waiting for the train, when something shiny on the ground caught my eye. Normally, you do not under any conditions pick up something off the ground on a subway platform unless, just for kicks, you are trying to get tetanus. I pushed it around a little with my shoe, trying to decide whether it was someone’s 2 caret diamond or whether Maria lost a bedazzle off her jacket. Finally, I decided I couldn’t risk not picking up loose diamonds that maybe belong to a rich person who would reward me richly for returning their prized jewel.
I took it home to J who promptly applied some home testing practices to determine Glam or Sham (it’s our own reality show!). I should probably explain that while I am 99.9% sure that there is no way someone could lose a diamond this big on a subway platform, the thing sure looks like a diamond. So someone probably lost a well-executed fakey diamond, which if you think about it, isn’t that much less strange. Just less rich for me. The maybe-diamond scratched up some glass and didn’t do anything when held to a flame. I guess I’ll bring it to the jeweler when I get my engagement ring in a couple weeks. This is the sort of thing where I’m debating whether it’s actually worth it to look like a complete tool when the jeweler tells me it’s the crown piece for Polly Pocket’s castle playset.
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Do you live in New York and think you can write children's books? Everyone thinks they can write children's books! A panel of experts is giving it up for all you out there, so come support a good cause and then write a kid's book real quick and make some money and rake in the fame. It's a win win situation.
What: Writing and publishing children's books, a panel discussion and seminar
When: Thursday, December 16th 6:30-9:30pm
Where: 826NYC, Brooklyn Superhero Supply Company
Who: Panelists will include:
Jon Scieszka (author of The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales)
Mo Willems (author of Don't Let The Pigeon Drive the Bus)
Bruce Brooks (Dolores, Throwing Smoke, and Vanishing)
Brett Helquist (illustrator for the Lemony Snicket books)
Alessandra Balzer (executive editor of Hyperion Books for Children)
Barry Goldblatt (Barry Goldblatt Literary Agency)
Space is limited, folks. If you're interested, call (718) 499-9884 or stop by the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Company at 372 5th Avenue, Park Slope. $50 donation--all proceeds go directly to student programming at 826NYC.
Envy and Heartache
I also got an email from the very talented Starlee Kine, of "This American Life" fame. She and her friend Blue Chevigny are putting together a series of audio stories that will take listeners on an a "tour" of New York. Instead of your standard sighteseeing venture, they're calling it the "Heartbreak and Envy Walking Tour," under the belief that heartbreak and envy are at the core of what makes this city tick.
They are looking for stories of heartbreak and envy from New Yorkers who can pinpoint their tale at a specific New York location (not just the city as a backdrop). After collecting as many stories as they can, they'll pick some ones they like and hold interviews with those people, which will then be turned into the audio series. If you're interested or need more details, email Starlee or Blue.
In other news...Ivana calls Jen and Sandy "cheap hookers" and then drops trou for $20, thus getting herself fired for prostituting herself. Alanis, are you listening? THIS is what you should have written your song about.
Also...the hell?? Who did this?
As if I'm not dealing with toffee and snowball cookies and sweet sweet Swiss Colony.
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I got this an email offer from Staples today, which I find hilarious.
My favorite part is the asterisk there, which stipulates that cookies will only be given as long as supplies last. Like someone might actually order the printer, and NOT GET THE COOKIES. This is a possibility. Just so you know. Is this an seriously an a attempt to get people to buy a machine for hundreds of dollars with the promise of a tin of cookies? People do know that you can head out to your local store and pick up a tin of crappy cookies for less than a few hundred dollars, right? Mmm, cookies. Must buy printer...
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