Every once in a while

Every once in a while I feel like it is my mission in life to make sure everyone I know who has health benefits is using them properly. I make friends go to doctors, I made J go to the dentist, and finally, feeling that I was honor-bound as well, I went to the dentist. Though I have never had a cavity before, I am always sure that the next time I visit the dentist will be the time that they jam that pointy thing into one of my molars and it gives way to a cavernous rotty hole, and I will be subjected to SHOTS IN THE MOUTH, which has remained one of the most terrible things I can imagine. So consider my joy when J came home from the dentist and announced that he had a cavity, but that they fixed it with a laser. Lasers! I have ridden out my fear long enough that the cause of it no longer exists. Hee!

But lucky for me there wasn't even a need for lasers. Only painful painful x-rays and painful painful pokey scrapey thing. Why are the x-rays so painful? Am I the only one whose mouth cannot handle the sharp plastic edges and the gag-inducing sterile taste? The pokey scrapey thing is allowably painful, due to its pokey scrapey nature, but x-rays? In theory, they should be painless (save, of course, the feeling of uneasiness when they cover you with a lead apron, leave the room, close the door, and point the x-rays directly into your head).

So my mouth got thoroughly scoured and I was told to rinse and spit, which I proceeded to do, only to find that I was spitting out gobs of blood. MOUTHFULS OF BLOOD! Oh, no wait, the toothpaste was just red. I was left alone to contemplate the employment of red toothpaste. Is this so the real blood gets hidden in the innocent paste? Is it so the dentists can feel less guilt for making you bleed? Or is it a cruel cruel joke for the poor person who gets to think for five seconds that the entire top membrane of the inside of her mouth has been brushed away?

Spam subject lines with unlikely names, hints at intriguing backstories

Alden does this make you happy now?
Cyrus call the doctor.
Augustine haven't I done enough?
With my aunt, Porokhovnikova.

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