If you know anything of
Posted by: Liz
If you know anything of my sad addiction to reality shows or my penchant for all things Amish, you might very well have guessed that this entry will be about “Amish in the City,” the new reality show where they take a bunch of Amish kids on Rumspringa and stick them with a bunch of horrible “city kids” in a Real Worldesque house and unleash the fun.My obsession with the Amish began with “The Devil’s Playground,” a documentary that did a very good job of showing all these different facets of the lives Amish teenagers live when they are allowed to live outside their religious community’s expectations. A lot of religions incorporate a specific time when young people dedicate themselves to their specific religion, where they have to make a conscious decision to follow its teachings. But I am in love with how hard of a push the Amish give their kids, making it that much stronger of a commitment if they return, and that much more meaningful if they don’t. I like that the line drawn is hard and fast. In any case, one of the most disturbing aspects of the documentary was the fact that the kids didn’t venture very far off for their Rumspringa. They often still lived at home and continued to wear the same clothes. But for those who broke out a little, the focus of their rebellion seemed to be on drinking, smoking, drugs, fondling, driving, playing with electronics, and dressing in “city” clothes. It seemed almost like a pre-packaged rebellion that was fun for a while, but quickly gets old. Next to a lifetime of getting high and drunk on your friend’s floor, the lifestyle you grew up with starts to look pretty good. The message is clear: either, or.
I became obsessed with the fact that these kids really thought they were living it up, while in fact they were only seeing the smallest fraction of the world. Didn’t any go backpacking around Europe? Take some art classes? Travel somewhere new? For the most part they didn’t. So while I loved the push, I wanted to see what would happen if they actually experience some of the enlightening things our “city” life can offer instead of only the sex and booze.
This is why I anticipated the new reality show and, of course, this is why it is so so disappointing. The city kids? Awful. The producers really picked the sluttiest, stupidest, most partying kids they could find (save one girl), and stuck these poor Amish kids with them. Ironically, the Amish kids proved they had better people skills for dealing with those different than them than the city kids, who literally wouldn’t open the door when the Amish came and then spent the next hour screaming “I can’t believe it!” while running around the house. Also the airhead vegan girl declared in all seriousness that she believed cows are from outer space.
Oh, yes.
Anyway, the most interesting thing that I hoped would happen—that the Amish kids would be able to experience something of art and philosophy and we would get to witness what happens when their steadfast ideals came up against these things—is probably not going to happen. These city kids are bodily extensions of getting drunk on a friend’s floor. Too bad for me.
Also one of the Amish kids looks exactly like Marshall from Alias, which is very weird, but sort of fun like, hey lookit Marshall playing that Amish kid!
--------
I got an IM this
Posted by: Liz
I got an IM this morning from someone I didn't know. I used to have an aol account, making my screen name the same as my email name, making it much more common for random people to find me and spammers to spam me. But this morning's IM was especially strange, because it is my work IM name, which is relatively new, only known by a handful of people, and not linked to anything else. Even more strange, the first thing the person asked me was "Who are you?" It is a confusing thing to be asked who you are by someone who you not only don't know, but don't know how they found you. I of course asked who they were, and they wrote back that I didn't know them. But could they ask me a question about submitting a book query. Still having no idea how this person got my IM or why they thought it was an appropriate way to find an agent, I quickly dismissed them with a couple links to some "find an agent" sites.Weirdess was starting to abate when I got yet another IM. This person identified himself as "mike" when asked, but then got angry when I wouldn't tell him my name. Charming. He proceeded to write tell me who you are! over and over again, which comes off as very crazy, but a bit violent, too. Now, cognitively I can understand that this person is addressing me over a computer, but I all of a sudden got real panicky and needed to get rid of him. Like right away. I tried blocking him, but something wasn't connected right or something and it wouldn't let me. So, your brilliant friend here decided that so far "Mike" wasn't proving to be a real bright bulb and that maybe I could get rid of him using the internet version of "What? you're cutting out! I'm going through a tunnel grshshshcrcshshshsshshshshhh." I wrote THIS USER HAS BLOCKED YOUR MESSAGE.
Yes, I see now how retarded this is so I thank you very much for pointing that out. I got the co-worker on the job and we figured out how to get rid of him. In any case, ol' Mikey wasn't fooled, and the last question he managed to get across was if I was "in agent 4 books," by which I will assume he was asking me if I was an agent for books (and not in Agent 4 Books, whatever that might be). I'm totally baffled as to how these people found me and Google isn't offering up anything I can find. I'm all ears if you have any insights.
--------
Things resulting from me having
Posted by: Liz
Things resulting from me having to change J's and my vacation plans:Have to pay $200.
Have deep seated and alternating feelings of guilt and anguish over turning down money help from three sources. Stupid pride.
Miss my brother, who was going to meet us there.
Possibly miss my dad, who was also going to meet us there.
Have no vacation now for a month and a half.
Have to fly back into New York on September 11th.
At 9am.
Feel guilty for making J fly at a stressful time when he does not like to fly at all.
Things mentioned that will make me cry today:
Money
Vacation
Fun
Things that will make me laugh:
Slogan on side of van for electrical contractors, but which is also probably a t-shirt somewhere: Big enough to serve you. Small enough to know you.
AP headline: Rapper C-Murder Charged with Attempted Murder
Violent Stick People. Scroll down for foaming bears and giant tennis balls.
Things I will pitch to you if you live in New York:
Book fair! Extended to this weekend. New books, $2.
Aspiring writer seminar: Publishing a Humorous Essay with panalists A.J. Jacobs (humor writer and editor for Esquire magazine), Sarah Vowell (author of The Partly Cloudy Patriot and a frequent contributor to This American Life), Cynthia Kaplan (author of Why I'm Like This), Jonathan Lazear (agent whose clients include Al Franken and Terry Gross) and Geoff Kloske (editor, Simon & Schuster). August 9th.
People who deserve a Happy Birthday:
Shana
Lu
Heather
Kathy
Phrase I promised I would put on my blog:
Lu's birthday was crazy! All I'm going to say is that at one point, Krista had Lu's underwear on her head.
--------
I'm sorry I'm a bad
Posted by: Liz
I'm sorry I'm a bad blogger and have slacked on updates this week. There were some nice moments including going to a friend's photo exhibit, getting a girls' night out with Heather and Willow, and Tasti-D having creamsicle flavor. Otherwise it has simply been busy busy busy. J is at work all the time, Max got trapped in the stairwell (he's fine), I'm reading a climbing memoir manuscript that's making me cry, reading blogs that are making me cry, dealing with a stupid work situation that's making me cry. And it's rainy. Yes, thank you weather for being totally awesome and understanding and taking a shit on my day. Rock on.I found this link through Mimi Smartypants, who says something along the lines of her being late to the "meme party" in posting it, but if there was a party, I wasn't invited, so I say feel free to crash.
--------
At one point, pre-Lizmatazz, you
Posted by: Liz
At one point, pre-Lizmatazz, you might have read this and thought, "Huh, that is mildly amusing." But now, knowing and appreciating what you do about query letters, it should be much more funny now. See how I enrich your lives and give you tools with which to bolster your joke understanding capabilities! Truly priceless. * Two overheard comments from husky punk boy, possibly 15-years old, to friends on subway: "Just because I don't kiss my girlfriends. I mean we lie around and I listen to them talk and read poems and take ecstasy." "Can you imagine how much it would totally suck to have Sylvia Plath as a girlfriend? You'd be all, 'Good morning,' and she'd be all, "What's good about it? I'm oppressed.'" Staples.com always send these enticing little coupons with their bills for free things you can get with your next purchase over $150. These free things are almost always something worth approximately $.43, but today's coupon struck me as especially intriguing. It features a plastic tub of pretzel sticks and the copy reads "Someone's about to reeeeeeeeally popular," which leads me to believe that the someone is me. I'm about to be reeeeeeeeally popular! In case I couldn't guess how, once I open up the coupon it further explains my impending popularity with the explanation "FREE Tub of Pretzel Rods with your next purchase of $150 or more." Now it is possible that some people have a different office dynamic than I, a dynamic that bestows popularity based on the tubs of carbohydrates that they are able to procure for free and share with the office, but this is not my office. In fact, in spite of the "resealable for freshness" tub, I have a feeling these rods would eventually petrify into small, salty weapons. The second explanation is that the ad is incredibly sarcastic. (There are a lot of italicized eee's in the "reeeeeeeeally,") Is the ad being mean? Is it taunting a poor, lowly admin assistant who does the supply ordering, into thinking she can win her way up the corporate ladder with a drum of old fashioned lowfat pretzel rods, while secretly laughing at her futility? Is it a comment on the Atkin's invasion on the work place? Perhaps a subtle sarcasm from the protein-only person who wrote the comment, knowing the reception she would give the person who cheerfully placed free bucket of white flour in the company kitchen? Anywho, Kelly's back and kicking with lots of fun stories about getting lost (in your eyes) and stupid Americans. Read up!*If you are crying in your cereal with a Something-of-the-Day-shaped hole in your heart, shoot me an email.
--------This morning on the way
Posted by: Liz
This morning on the way to the subway, a girl in tight white pants and bleached blond hair popped out of a bodega in front of us and gave J the most movie-influenced flirty look (open mouthed, practically winking) I have ever seen. She then proceeded to flounce the rest of the way to the stop in front of us, shaking her non-underweared, white pants ass at us. J and I exchanged flabbergasted looks, partly at the boldness of it and partly at the hilarity. We went in the same subway entrance and she hopped on the train a second before it left the station, right after I swiped my card. She turned around and caught my eye, and I swear to god I almost flipped her the bird at 8:30 in the morning and mouthed something very nasty at her. But, in the end I just ignored her entirely and sat down. So in case you're wondering, I have a whole bellyful of jealous rage that will fuck your shit up, so it's probably best not provoked. It's strange to have such a forceful emotion stored up that you weren't aware you possessed. I used to get in trouble when I was a kid for hitting other kids. Definitely not bullying, just reacting to situations with balled up fists. Where does that come from? But you want to know what really makes me mad? SubTalk. If you ride the subways here in New York you will be familiar with this campaign, which features safety warnings written with the worst possible sense of grammar and sentence construction. Truly, each is its own work of horrible horrible bad writing. Each time I see a new one I think, well there's no way they can top the last awful poster, only to find that they have somehow found a way to do so. Never doubt the poor writing and editing skills of the SubTalk people! I went searching on the web for some pictures of these posters, or at least the copy, but I'm coming up blank. I might have to drag the digital camera out for a full on study of the SubTalk posters. So start anticipating now. Oh hey, look. Blogger has updated a bunch of stuff. Let's see...I can make something this color. Or this one.- bullets
- more bullets
Hmm, well I think that's about that. Fun times.
--------Willow is blog reading today,
Posted by: Liz
Willow is blog reading today, so everyone be nice. Here is a beautiful picture of her. --------Yesterday melted into today with
Posted by: Liz
Yesterday melted into today with not a shard of sunshine. This did not bode well for my mood, nor apparently my luck. On the way to the subway this morning, I told J this was going to be a bad day, but he thought it was too early to tell. At least I had my trusty book to read on the subway. Good ol' morning commute reading--can't beat that. This book is very engrossing. So much so in fact that when I finally managed to look up to check where the subway was--and saw that we were at an unfamiliar stop--I merely went back to reading, because, c'mon, I'm sure I just hadn't noticed this stop before. On my daily commute. That I take daily. In fact, when I looked up again at the next stop, and finding its name also unfamiliar, I did the next logical step...and continued reading. I don't mean to say that I was deliberately staying on a train that had passed my stop, but it was more that my judgement had somehow become clouded enough that I convinced myself in those brief looking-up-from-the-book moments that I had simply not paid attention on previous daily commutes and that I was, in fact, still on my way to Canal Street. And then we were on a bridge. This is confusing because the M train does not go over the bridge to get to Manhattan, it tunnels under. And yet we were above ground. Things cleared up considerably once I whirled around--very tourist-like--to check out the map and see that I had not only passed my stop, but was actually heading in a loop BACK into Brooklyn. How long have I lived here? Je-sus. Next thing you know I'll be buying batteries from homeless subway guys and letting taxi drivers take me through the tunnel.And I had just finished my book, so nothing to read on my ride of shame back into the city. Damn. One of the good things about my job is that boss and co-worker had a nice hearty laugh at my expense and it was no big deal that I'm a total idiot and also late for work.
I then realized I'd forgotten my keys at home. Right before I managed to pour two cartons of good milk down the sink drain and slosh a chunk of spoiled milk into my coffee. Very nice.
In other more cheerful news, Willow is back from her stint in Ireland and her hair is long and curly. Krista is employing her tomorrow, so she gets to play dress up with work clothes and wow the corporate world with her pleasant phone manner.
--------
Four bad ideas: 1. Bad
Posted by: Liz
Four bad ideas:1. Bad idea? Yes. Hi-larious bachelorette present? Absolutely. Who's gettin' married!
2. I'm sure this works better than it would seem, though I'm still not sure how. Don't you need...more...hands or something?
3. Ew. I get touched enough by strangers on the subway; I am so not paying for it.
4. Raw. Horseflesh. Ice. Cream.
--------
Alas, my blog has suffered
Posted by: Liz
Alas, my blog has suffered a Query Letter of the Day-ectomy. I received a cease and desist order from co-worker, who felt that it was not in anyone's best interests to post really crappy query letters. I argued by points, but in the end: what are you gonna do? Though this is not to say there might not be some sort of resurrection in a different form, depending on interest to do so by you all and my ability to safeproof from self-Googling query authors who may or may not be outraged to find their query on the web. So take a moment to remember bad quotes guy, say a prayer for Jesus aliens, and let's put all the bad spellers and demanding would-be authors in that special place in our hearts. --------I guess a dream isn't
Posted by: Liz
I guess a dream isn't much of a holiday weekend summery is it? Okay, here is the story of the new mattress, so you can at last feel fulfilled that I have emptied out some nice private detail of the weekend.Sophomore year of college I moved out of the dorms into a cozy little blue house with a pink stove. Kelly and I were very excited to at last have a space of our own that didn't have communal showers and drug-adled psychos from Chile in our immediate living area. We were very poor and our furniture consisted of Goodwill purchased desks and a sofa. A rusted, outside table that had never been packed up after a yard sale down the street, was outfitted with a plastic tablecloth and became our dining room table. We found a pink teapot that matched our stove exactly, bought it for a quarter, and never used it. I didn't have a closet.
What I did have was a gorgeous, cozy, wonderful, huge, cushy bed with a down comforter and soft cotton sheets. I count this indulgence as one of the best consequences of having a mother who cannot bare to have her children go without a) food, 2) shoes, 3) coats, and 4) bedding. She bought me this great bed with the notion that I would need a bed in life and this one would last me for many years. It lasted me one year, before I moved back into school-owned housing, at which point The Best Bed Ever was loaned out to a friend. I recaptured it senior year, but then realized how difficult it would be to move a bed across the country and ended up selling it for $50 at the end of the year.
Fast forward to New York, June 2001: my mom on the phone with a big mattress retailer, somewhat less inclined to indulge on the cushy bed (she wasn't happy about the $50 sale). I get a standard issue, basic hard mattress. But: new. I only have to sleep on the floor one night.
Of course, this bed only lasted so long. It eventually developed a nice sag in the middle where J and I would end up rolling into and pokey springs. It was time for a new bed. We headed to Sleepy's because they are down the street and had lots of big signs that said this was their BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR! I have since learned that every other day is their BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR and if you happen onto one off those off days you should probably just hem and haw a little and Ted the mattress guy will hook you up. Ted the mattress guy is totally awesome. It is like he came from a little mold of excellent salesmen. He knows exactly when to give info, when to pull back, when to confide, and when to throw a little jab at the expense of the annoying customers who came before you. In case you are wondering what might be expected of you as a mattress salesman, know that you may be called to stand in for a missing bed partner. Ted the mattress guy was all professionalism as he rounded the side of a floor sample bed and sat on the edge, gently bouncing it at the request of the woman lying down opposite him.
After a lot of deliberation, we finally chose a mattress. I then spent the entirety of Monday waited for the stupid thing to come, only to doubt, later, that this was in fact the same mattress we picked out. I called Ted the mattress guy to verify and he confirmed that this was not, in fact, our mattress. "I can push the issue for you, but to be honest, you just got a mattress that's considerably more expensive than the one you bought." Oh. So that's how we came to have a pillow top Sterns and Foster mattress that is--no joke--almost two feet thick. Not bad for the first time sans mom.
I have a prescription for Vicodin in my purse. Because I went to the podiatrist and we discussed bunion surgery. We did not schedule surgery, we merely spoke of a time in the future when this should be done. He then handed me said prescription with the instructions to fill it post-operation. Whenever that might be. Do you think this is standard or did I just look like the right kind of 20-something that could use an undated Vicodin perscription?
--------
I had a dream last
Posted by: Liz
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. Then in some fast forward dream world, I had a little boy named Mahogany. We were walking around and he all of a sudden started singing a They Might Be Giants song and he knew all the words and had worked out some sound effects to go along as well. I was so excited to go home and show J. Anyway, I woke up and didn't have a musically-inclined super-cute child named Mahogany, and it made me very sad because I'd kinda gotten attached. Although I'd have to come up with a different name because if he ever played with my friends' baby, Ceder, there would be too many wood jokes. --------Oh hello July, I didn't
Posted by: Liz
Oh hello July, I didn't expect you so soon. What? Oh, it's no trouble at all, here have a seat, I'm just finishing up some things in the kitchen, don't mind me. Oop, watch your sparkler there, haha. Martini?I caught the tail end of a documentary J was watching last night on our founding fathers and the writing of the Declaration of Independence and all that. There was a lot of reading from letters and dramatizations of Abigail Adams sticking up for women's rights and humble Thomas Jefferson scratching out the first draft. And I'll tell you what: I felt down right patriotic. I mean for that split second before I reality slapped me around a little and said "I don't understand how poor people think. I'm a white Republican guy who doesn't get it, but I'd like to."
I want a president who writes his own speeches and comes up with something better than "I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer, but it hadn't yet." You know what's funny? Looking at the Declaration of Independence and picturing ol' Dubya sitting down to write it. Even if we ignore the intent, I don't even think he knows half the words in there. If we can't get a guy who writes his own speeches, at least give us someone who at least can present the illusion of someone who can.
I was supposed to see Fahrenheit 9/11 last night, but sort of chickened out at the last minute. I still have trouble watching all the images, and I know the film is just going to confirm everything I fear, and I can predict my reaction of horror and anger, even while wishing Michael Moore engaged some sort of intelligent argument from the right so he could smack it down proper. I know I should see it, and I will, but I put up a huge, callused block of denial somewhere in my mind when it comes to 9/11. The block is helpful for helping me not cry all the time over every small thing, but I think this movie is going to force me confront a lot of things I haven't wanted to deal with, starting with the very basic feat of watching footage of the terrorist attacks, something I haven't been able to do since September 12th. I guess there's something to be said for catharsis.
Anyway, my July 4th will be spent at Krista's, grilling it up in spite of the predicted rain. One of these days I'm going to get me out to Coney Island to watch the hot dog eating contest. Totally obsessed. I wish all those vegan protestors would quit protesting and just start up a vegetarian hot dog eating contest and then I could enter and claim the mustard belt I know is meant to be mine. My tactic would totally be the two dogs at a time, buns separate and water soaked. Hot!
Enjoy your 4th, kids.
--------
Fun for those of us
Posted by: Liz
Fun for those of us who never got an American Girl doll...Here is your new creepy friend. You can make it look just like you, with your voice, which I'm sure is appealing to someone for some reason--other than pure, horrified fascination--but I'm not sure who or what. Click on "Try Now" and make your own digital mini-me. There are options to age you and control the width of your shoulders, nose, and lips.
--------
The Times "Boldface Names" got
Posted by: Liz
The Times "Boldface Names" got the 826NYC event. Also David Byrne's tour journal. --------
