I'm on a winning streak!
Posted by: Liz | From: April 16, 2004
I'm on a winning streak! Last night at our Apprentice Finale party I walked away with the door prize: one How to Get Rich by none other than the Donald himself. I will read said book and when I learn how to get rich, I will share the secrets with you so that we all might be rich and have gold shitters. Unless, of course, the wisdom of the book works through osmosis and you have to be actually reading it to learn how to get rich. Which would be an awesome marketing idea.The door prize was awarded to me because of my careful creations of the signed Kwame Jackson football cookies, which everyone thought were great (even though recaps clearly showed that the signed paraphernalia were basketballs. oops!). I felt rather guilty taking the prize because I was sitting next to birthday girl Abby, who had not only brought Omarosa Samosas, but who had also put some serious effort into Trumpifying her hair. It was glorious. Abby, if you want to touch my arm while I read the book and thus gain knowledge through osmosis while avoiding the reading part, you are welcome.
We made golden drinks with Goldschlagger and ginger ale and someone had the foresight to bring Kwame salami. It was a good night. Not the least of which is owed to Omarosa Fuckitup-Worthless who managed to screw her team, not one, but two more times during the course of the show. The misery was delicious and horrendous all at the same time. Her jobs were: get superstar with huge entourage from airport to hotel, order superstar breakfast from hotel, don't leave room with superstar. And she still managed to fail spectacularly. And cry racism. Omarosa freaking out at the phrase "pot calling the kettle black" is the stupidest misunderstanding since that dude was fired for using the word "niggardly."
My winning streak carried over to this afternoon, when I used the quick deposit thingy at the bank and it made lots of beeping "You've won!" noises. I was instructed to go to a customer service representative and claim my prize. As I handed over the receipt, I have to admit to a 10 second soar of hope in my heart that perhaps I had won something fun: a toaster, a travel coffee mug, a new car. The service rep seemed so excited and started digging in her drawer. "You have won a beautiful, new..." she popped up with three plastic wrapped packaged, "key chain! What color you want?" I chose red. "It lights up, too!" and she lit it up for me. "Janet," she said to the woman to her left, "you better turn it off--I'm running out over here."
Crazy subway lady story: This was a, Is she talking obnoxiously loud to her friend? or, Is she talking crazily to herself? situation. Of course, it was the latter, but she was one of those crazies who doesn't look crazy: middle aged, dyed blonde hair, trendy clothes. She rambled to "her mom" ("You call yourself a mother!") and lamented breaking a nail ("Yeah, real professional.") before sitting down with her back against the subway doors. That's when she pulled out the Coors Light tall boy.
I will be in New York enjoying my 75-degree weekend very shortly. I mean, I'm already in New York, but the weekend enjoying part is starting in approximately an hour and a half.
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