Friday fun for you. Do
Posted by: Liz
Friday fun for you. Do you like when I call something fun when it is really a quiz or a meme? I thought so. Read Krista's here.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Write down what it says:
“…the tramp of the buffaloes made a great noise. The tremendous echo of the canyon,”
Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Manuscript about buffalos
What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Simpson’s repeat.
WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
2:25 PM
Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
2:30 PM
With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Traffic. Lots of it.
When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
Trying on rollerblades over lunch. I can't help it! I'm weak!
What are you wearing?
Nothin’ man. I have the office to mahself. Hope no messengers stop by.
Did you dream last night?
Yes, but because they were sparked by a conversation from a kid last night about the coming out party at Sarah Lawrence* [not so much "work appropriate"], I am not at liberty to discuss them here.
When did you last laugh?
On the subway when a talkative older man told me he gets manicures.
What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Lobster paraphernalia, instructions on how to transfer calls and distribute checks, a list of foreign agents, a publishing house contact sheet, a client list, Staples coupons, and a business card (b/c I can’t remember our fax number).
Seen anything weird lately?
Your mom
Last movie you saw?
Kill bill vol2
If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
I would pay off my school loans. Ok, that’s boring. I would…buy…a…yes a brownstone would be nice.
Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I completely like Krista.
If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Geeze fuck I don’t know. That’s some like evil butterfly effect/devil’s deal question.
Do you like to dance?
Yes. I regret dropping out of ballet at age 10.
Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Hurkey Jobson.
[Same question for a boy]
Lobo Steel
Would you ever consider living abroad?
Sure. Oh, like now? I’m not packed.
*Wow, those Sarah Lawrence kids? Freeeaaaks! Their whole school experience is like one, huge, drama party. Just to clarify, this coming out party is school sponsored and held in the dining hall. And the people having sex on the floor is apparently an under-exaggeration.
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What's that you say? Tell
Posted by: Liz
What's that you say? Tell us about another horrible subway ad? Ok. How about the one for pomegranate juice with the tag line: "Floss your arteries."People.
For the love of...that just invokes the most awful sounding sensation.
Like little strings threaded through your body. Going back and forth.
Mmm! Juice!
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I'm now a gmail user.
Posted by: Liz
I'm now a gmail user. You should send me email and we'll get to the bottom of the funny ads thing. --------This is why we can't
Posted by: Liz
This is why we can't have nice thingsHere's a good lesson: if you can't afford it, don't try it on. Because, c'mon, what are you doing, really? Twice this week (twice!) I have put luxurious things on my feet, which I have no monies to pay for. But these luxurious things have now imbedded themselves into my brain and I spent a good part of my lunch hour scouring the internet for the one secret site that will provide me with my cute kitten-heeled shoes and super-awesome rollerblades for, oh say, $20 each. No, don't bother looking: the site does not exist. Sad day for me.
Do I need this particular pair of shoes? No. This expensive pair of rollerblades? No. Are they not even very expensive relatively speaking and I'm so poor that they seem very expensive so that if I were to buy them I would feel guilt even despite their relatively low cost for not buying food or something instead? Yes. uh, I think. I lost myself there.
Anyway, I'm a bad, greedy person because I have gotten many wonderful gifts in the past month, owing to my mom coming to town and J being a superstar sugar daddy. And sometimes even sugar daddy has to look out for number one, so you know what he bought for himself? A diamond encrusted, gold plated longboard. Ok, haha, not really with the jewels and gold, but he is now the proud owner of a lovely longboard. He broke it in last night by breaking himself all over the pavement, but he survived it like a man and will probably have some nice, tough guy scars to show for it.
One time when a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) was having some serious issues with a little chin rash she received from a bristle-haired nookie (sacre bleu!), J gave her a line to deliver to people who asked about it, which went something like: I was on my bike and I bunny hopped a jersey barrier. My back peg caught it and I totally ate asphalt. ("Oh my god, were you wearing a helmet?") Yeah man, but I cracked that bitch.
Walking with J and his longboard, some high school part of me gets all excited again at having a skater boyfriend. But then I remember that he's not sullen and doesn't have band patches sewn all over his hoodie, and he doesn't make awkward gay jokes, and shuffle his feet a lot, which makes me really glad I'm dating J and not a Lakewood high schooler.
--------Do you love that Coors
Posted by: Liz
Do you love that Coors spent all that time an effort on developing and promoting their low-carb beer, only to follow up with ads that promote the fact that their regular light beer is low in carbs. Or what about Anheuser-Busch's blatant hypocrisy with their big in-your-face Bud ads claiming "All light beers are low in carbs" while they simultaneously promote Michelob Ultra.You know what? If you're counting stupid carbs in your stupid beer you need to take a moment and re-evalute a few things.
While I'm beer commercial hating, I have a few words for the people in charge of the Bud ads for the subways in NY (maybe they're elsewhere?). For all you who aren't staring at these ads everyday, they feature a beer bottle with a splash of something golden bouncing off the lid so that the splash forms a crown (king of beers and all that jazz). Here are some questions I would ask those ad people:
1. What is that golden liquid bouncing off the lid of the beer? Because it looks like pee.
2. Oh, it's beer?
3. Why is the beer outside the sealed bottle?
4. Is it perhaps from a source other than the featured bottle?
5. What could this other source be?
5a. Someone else's beer?
5b. Pee?
As appetizing as it is to think of mysterious liquids bouncing off the lid of a beer you are offering me, I think I'll go with Dunkin Donuts Caramel Swirl Latte. They seem to have deftly kept bodily fluids away from their ads.
More gross liquids
This morning, I went to fill a water bottle up with milk to bring in to work. The milk smelled funny, but it was just bought on Sunday and the expiration wasn't until next week sometime, so I called in a second opinion. J took one whiff and told me to dump it. I was saying how I couldn't understand how it could go bad so quickly, when I heard a small sound: puft...puft...puft. Turning, we saw that the plastic lid that was sitting loosely on top of the milk carton was actually being lifted up! "Yeah, it's off-gassing, Liz." Best reason ever for dumping bad milk.
Query of the Day, or excerpt from screenplay dropped off by man in building saying it was accidentally delivered to him. Does our agency handle screenplays? No. Do people dropping things off in person to the wrong office do very good research? No.
Ms. Davis: I thought you were dead! Please let me go.
Head-Chuck: I couldn't go without thanking you for letting those kids get away for what they did to me.
He lets her go decapitating her as she falls towards the ground. He grabs her head and carries it by her hair as he walks away.
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I'm on a winning streak!
Posted by: Liz
I'm on a winning streak! Last night at our Apprentice Finale party I walked away with the door prize: one How to Get Rich by none other than the Donald himself. I will read said book and when I learn how to get rich, I will share the secrets with you so that we all might be rich and have gold shitters. Unless, of course, the wisdom of the book works through osmosis and you have to be actually reading it to learn how to get rich. Which would be an awesome marketing idea.The door prize was awarded to me because of my careful creations of the signed Kwame Jackson football cookies, which everyone thought were great (even though recaps clearly showed that the signed paraphernalia were basketballs. oops!). I felt rather guilty taking the prize because I was sitting next to birthday girl Abby, who had not only brought Omarosa Samosas, but who had also put some serious effort into Trumpifying her hair. It was glorious. Abby, if you want to touch my arm while I read the book and thus gain knowledge through osmosis while avoiding the reading part, you are welcome.
We made golden drinks with Goldschlagger and ginger ale and someone had the foresight to bring Kwame salami. It was a good night. Not the least of which is owed to Omarosa Fuckitup-Worthless who managed to screw her team, not one, but two more times during the course of the show. The misery was delicious and horrendous all at the same time. Her jobs were: get superstar with huge entourage from airport to hotel, order superstar breakfast from hotel, don't leave room with superstar. And she still managed to fail spectacularly. And cry racism. Omarosa freaking out at the phrase "pot calling the kettle black" is the stupidest misunderstanding since that dude was fired for using the word "niggardly."
My winning streak carried over to this afternoon, when I used the quick deposit thingy at the bank and it made lots of beeping "You've won!" noises. I was instructed to go to a customer service representative and claim my prize. As I handed over the receipt, I have to admit to a 10 second soar of hope in my heart that perhaps I had won something fun: a toaster, a travel coffee mug, a new car. The service rep seemed so excited and started digging in her drawer. "You have won a beautiful, new..." she popped up with three plastic wrapped packaged, "key chain! What color you want?" I chose red. "It lights up, too!" and she lit it up for me. "Janet," she said to the woman to her left, "you better turn it off--I'm running out over here."
Crazy subway lady story: This was a, Is she talking obnoxiously loud to her friend? or, Is she talking crazily to herself? situation. Of course, it was the latter, but she was one of those crazies who doesn't look crazy: middle aged, dyed blonde hair, trendy clothes. She rambled to "her mom" ("You call yourself a mother!") and lamented breaking a nail ("Yeah, real professional.") before sitting down with her back against the subway doors. That's when she pulled out the Coors Light tall boy.
I will be in New York enjoying my 75-degree weekend very shortly. I mean, I'm already in New York, but the weekend enjoying part is starting in approximately an hour and a half.
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Miss Oklahoma's response to question,
Posted by: Liz
Miss Oklahoma's response to question, "If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?": "Justin Timberlake, absolutely!"Bush's response to question, "What's been your biggest mistake?": "Uh...well...I uh...Hmmm. Ha ha, I wish you'd submitted that in writing before this, ha ha. Well hmm, let me think. (Silence). Y'know nothing's coming to me right now, with all the press and everything."
At least Miss Oklahoma had an answer. Maybe if Bush had been prepped by Omarosa, he would have a bit more coherant.
Are we all excited for the Apprentice Finale party? Yes we are. On the table we'll be having Omarosa Samosas, cookie footballs signed by Kwame Jackson, and Trumpschlager. If I can find cherries with stems I will make F-bombs. I know we should have something in honor of the other finalist, but Bill Pickles are the only thing I can think of. And chocolate cigars.
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It's always troubling to find
Posted by: Liz
It's always troubling to find pictures of your bf all over the internet. --------Easter spam Happy Easter! Jesus
Posted by: Liz
Easter spamHappy Easter! Jesus Saves!
By ordering his prescription meds from us!
you can save to... order your meds from
www.spamtown.com
No prior prescription needed, no doctor visit required.
Happy Easter!
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This is one of the
Posted by: Liz
This is one of the most unsettling and bizarre things I've ever experienced (thanks Krista!). Very good programing or minimum-wage chicken man? I guess I know it's the former, but I got a twinge of guilt when I went to lunch and remembered I left him up on my computer. Is he just standing there waiting for me?I made him:
act like a dog
do the YMCA
do a roundhouse kick
read a book
flap his wings
lay an egg
What did you make him do??
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My older relatives reminisce about
Posted by: Liz
My older relatives reminisce about a time when they had really long Passover seders filled with theological discussions and philosophical ruminations. This sounds nice and all, but I have no idea what they're talking about. When we were kids, we did the shortened version with little kiddie haggahdas and songs. And sure, it felt like a long time to wait to eat, but there were certainly no deep discussions that strayed from the text. Somehow, with going off to college and moving away, I missed the window of time where I could have participated in a grownup seder because by the time I got around to attending one again, everyone had kids and were back to plush plagues and holiday songs to the tune of "Clementine". If you are new parents and you think going to the store or attending a party or doing anything else with children is difficult, I don't think you've experienced hell until you try to make them participate in a dinner where they sit in front of empty plates for an hour at the table while being fed intermittent appetizers such as parsley with salt water, bit of dry matzoh, and sips of manischewitz. This is hard work. One brave couple attempted a go at it with their 1-year-old and 2-month old and didn't even make it to the candle lighting. They showed up and said, "We brought five bottles of wine," which I thought was a joke, but was not. I consider that quite optimistic of them.In any case, I sat directly across from my 3-year-old baby cousin, Tessa, who is the biggest crack up since the invention of kids. J says she reminds him a lot of me, so maybe that explains why I think she's the most clever child ever. Self-projected narcissism. She was particularly wound up from a 2-hour nap and sucking down sparkling apple juice through the beginning of the seder. And I don't care how many America's Funniest Home Videos you see of kids tasting bad things, it never ever gets less funny when a kid puts something disagreeable in their mouths. For Tessa, this was the parsley with salt water, which caused her to face to contort with horror as she begged loudly for more juice. Of which there was no more because she had spilled it all over the table and somehow missed the ensuing three-person mop up job.
The kids went to play and came back for various parts of the dinner, including Elijah's cup. We pour a cup of wine, send the kids to open the door for Elijah, an adult drinks some wine and then the kids come back and see the wine is gone. Now, this always seemed like a somewhat bizarre ritual to me and when I googled it just now there is a reason why I think it's bizarre. Apparently this four cup of wine is poured for the prophet Elijah for a lot of symbolic reasons, including the hope for a messianic
era.
Whoa, what the hell: did we just drink that prophet's wine? Hmm. Is it only my family that had a wine glass that was mysteriously emptied? This weirdness was not lost on Tessa, who looked dubiously into the emptied cup. Later, after finishing a chocolate bear lollipop, she handed the stick back to my aunt who said, "Wow, finished already?" To which Tessa offhandedly replied, "Elijah ate it."
I also got to see my baby boy cousin, George, who's about 2. He has these huge, thick eyelash-trimmed eyes and approaches everything with a certain amount of humorous innocence. My cousin said when they got to the house George came across a Care Bear lying on the floor. He approached it and inadvertently triggered the talking mechanism, making it greet him: "I have a hug just for you!" He looked at it and said quietly, "For me?"
His mom says he talks back to a lot of automated voices, but I blame it on all the kids shows now that are based on child participation: Blue's Clues, Dora the Explorer, the Wiggles. It's possible we are harvesting a generation of crazy people through educational television programing.
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ack! Mom in town, Passover
Posted by: Liz
ack! Mom in town, Passover dinner upstate, busy work. It's true: Liz is working hard and not creating a blog. --------This is what you get
Posted by: Liz
This is what you get when you read a Publisher's Weekly email a day too late. It took me all the way to Anne Godoff to realize this maybe was a joke. But, man was I ever excited. Publishing's cutthroat man, I'm not joking.New Reality TV Show to Star Peter Olson
Reality TV lands in the book world!
NBC has signed Random House head Peter Olson to star in a new series called The Publisher's Apprentice. Each week, 16 veteran publishing professionals will compete to see who will keep their job. The participants will work as teams (or as NBC put it, "imprints"). With guidance from The Peter, they will try to outdo one another improving margins, cutting costs and generating more cash. Several episodes will focus on profitable real estate deals. At the end of each show, Olson will take one employee to lunch at Michael's, where he will utter his trademark management slogan: "You're fired!" The series is set to run until Olson has axed enough employees to drive profit margins up to a point where, "Bertelsmann will get off his back." The inaugural episode will feature cameo appearances by Anne Godoff and Volker Neumann.
Reached for comment, Random spokesperson Stuart Applebaum said, "This is a non-nonstory. We at Bertelsmann are excited about having the opportunity to let the general public witness the workaday reality at the largest publishing house in the world, where commerce and culture intersect in a way that enriches all." Applebaum, who is one of The Publisher's Apprentice's contestants, added, "I wish all my friends on the show well. I just hope they don't try to contact me after they're gone."
Other things that should perhaps have tipped me off if I had been paying more attention:
AAP: 'Books Too Boring Compared to TV' or
Publishing's Hard-Left Turn ("...Judging from the publisher's fall lineup, Regnery isn't alone in its
eagerness to lean into the liberal winds. Bill O'Reilly leads the list with his mea culpa, Sorry!: Lying Lies I Feel Bad About Telling, and Ann Coulter sounds a conciliatory note with, Intelligence: Why Liberals Make Some Really Good Points...Apparently, not everyone is happy with publishing's mass migration to the progressive corner. A source close to Al Franken quoted him as saying, "Those lying big fat idiot liars are stealing my liberal schtick." Franken is working on his next book, You're All Stupid Heads: Why I'm Still the Only One Who Knows Anything. The publisher plans to have the book's cover ready to unveil later this spring, during BookExpo America.")
This was after the reality show...I would hope Spongebob would have woken me up if Anne hadn't
Reviews in the News: Harry Potter VI
Two of the most beloved characters in contemporary children's literature team up in Harry Potter and the Legend of SpongeBob. In this enchanting and educational story, everyone's favorite boy wizard finally discovers the full truth about his parents--they weren't just magical, they were super-absorbent!
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You never know when a
Posted by: Liz
You never know when a reporter is reading your blog and will ask to use your opinion in an article.Woo, San Jose!
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I got a big kick
Posted by: Liz
I got a big kick out of the space station jobs but then there were the countless other articles I kept hoping were bad April Fools jokes. Try reading all the headlines looking for a prank and the world starts to look awfully dim. --------I am in love with
Posted by: Liz
I am in love with Google, so I will be in line for a Gmail address. They're claiming no pop-ups or banners, but:"Gmail does include relevant text ads that are similar to the ads appearing on the right side of Google search results pages. The matching of ads to content is a completely automated process performed by computers using the same technology that powers the Google AdSense program. This technology already places targeted ads on thousands of sites across the web by quickly analyzing the content of pages and determining which ads are most relevant to them. No humans read your email to target the ads, and no email content or other personally identifiable information is ever provided to advertisers."
First, it is a fact that we are living in the future when you can say, in all seriousness, that "no humans" will be involved. Also, the ads that are picked to accompany e-mails will undoubtedly offer loads of unintentional humor. I don't know why I just said "loads." It makes me feel like I'm in a Harry Potter book.
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