If you are reading a
Posted by: Liz
If you are reading a book and the main character is eating a beignet and you do a google image search because you don't know what that is, there might be some pictures that won't help. --------In case you are wondering
Posted by: Liz
In case you are wondering how I'm planning on getting through my first model-free Tuesday night, I will tell you right now it won't be with "Rock Me Baby" and a "Rock Me Baby" repeat. Instead, I will be tuning into part two of the PBS documentary, "New Americans" and recommend you do the same. It follows the stories of several different people from different countries all immigrating to America. It's one of those documentaries that shows you a lot of things in such a clear, open way that you grasp a million concepts at once with interviews and some simple editing. Some moments that stick out:Dodgers players brought from the Dominican Republic who were signed for $5,000 versus the $100,000 a fellow white, US-born player was signed for. "We Dominicans are more valuable, but are helpless because of our poverty."
A Nigerian family being welcomed to the US with a pamphlet that shows them, among other things, how to use a credit card. For a big treat, they all get McDonald's and everyone's excited to taste their first hamburger. "I feel just like Eddie Murphy in 'Coming to America.'" Taking a bite of burger, "It's different. I don't have the words to describe it yet, but soon I will be able to talk about the top the bottom, and all the things in the middle." There are lots of subsequent shots of the immigrant families eating at the golden arches.
Really, it's beautifully done. Do. What. Liz. Says. Watch. Documentary.
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I think it's official: the
Posted by: Liz
I think it's official: the kitties have taken to each other. Specifically, Pinky has taken to licking Max: his toes, his tail, his face. He puts up with it, but is a little confused at the sudden affection. I woke up to Pinky sleeping on our bed this morning, which is also another first. I think she's a keeper. --------Ok, you know I love
Posted by: Liz
Ok, you know I love ANTM, so it is with respect that I say, "What the HELL is this picture?" Is Yoanna trying to climb up Tyra? What is she scared of? It also looks as if Tyra is a bit evil and planning on cutting up her fresh kill for the trophy room. --------Two friends of mine read
Posted by: Liz
Two friends of mine read Life of Pi and told me it was okay, but not what they expected. I, before seeing or hearing anything about the book, thought it was going to be about math and was disappointed to learn it had to do with a kid floating around in an ocean. I avoided starting the book for several days, but once I started, there's been no stopping. I know it's redundant to say that a NYT bestseller, Booker Prize novel is great, but um, it's great. You should read it. If for nothing else than its face-off between a tiger and a shark. --------I am so tired this
Posted by: Liz
I am so tired this morning that I feel like I'm moving underwater. Luckily there are these two lists on the McSweeney's web site this morning that made me laugh and laugh. Speaking of McSweeney's, it seems we're back on track for Thursday night readings, so if you're in the city you should pop on by. Last night was a lovely reading with Jim Shepard and Kelly Link. As Kelly was being introduced, I leaned over and whispered to Abby that I didn't really like her story in the last McSweeney's. Which of course caused Kelly to be sitting directly behind me. You should also know that Scott uses us McSweeney's folk as seat fillers, meaning we have to sit in the very first row at readings, and when you're at a small bar, the first row is oh, say, four feet from the reader. So I sat there mortified that she might of heard me, while she read an absolutely wonderful story about convenience stores, novelty pajama bottoms, love, and zombies. Yes, I am one classy girl.Afterwards we had a nice Apprentice viewing where we basked in the sheer stupidity of Team Stupid. It was a glorious stupid, a stupid that made us giddy and excited. What do people want to win when they're at Atlantic City? A car rental for the evening! Beautiful, breathtaking stupidity. Truly, we were humbled. And midway through the episode, I realized I knew who was being kicked off because earlier I had looked ahead to next week's one sentence synopsis on tvguide.com and the one sentence was: "A romance goes sour." (I just went to link to this, and they have since changed the sentence! Too little too late, plot wreckers.) Any hoo, for a romance to go sour next week, Katrina was the only obvious boot this week. Unless of course Kwame and Troy have a little somthin somthin goin' on we don't know about. Which would be awesome.
We consumed a bad amount of pizza and strawberry twizzlers, which apparently, you should never do right before you have to go to bed on a work night. J tossed and turned all night, keeping me awake as well. It wasn't any gentle tossing and turning, either. He would rear up, pause, and then crashing down onto the mattress with a aggravated sigh, all the while gripping the sheets and wrenching them untucked and twisted. Perhaps this is why I dreamed I kissed another guy. But no matter, I just dreamed I was feeling guilty afterwards. I have very moral dreams.
When Max pops up on the bed and I'm in the middle of a dream, there's a weird moment where I integrate Max into my dream, but as an anthropomorphic figure. So before I fully wake up, I have thoughts like, "If Max keeps acting like this, I'll never be able to take him to lunch with that big producer," or "He'd be perfect to star in Joan of Arc." These are both real examples, the last one leading me to think I should keep track of these thoughts. I'll keep you updated.
Did you know that if you are boiling rocks for Passover, the acceptable objects are not limited to rocks? It's true! You can also use a blow torch. Or, you can be like me and not know what your co-worker is talking about when she says "boiling rocks for Passover" and have to look it up online (yet again).
Enjoy your weekend. Here is a four-eared kitten.
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And you thought the Scooby
Posted by: Liz
And you thought the Scooby Doo movie was bad.I'm suffering from model withdrawl.
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Here is an article that
Posted by: Liz
Here is an article that may seem rather boring to outside folks, but is positively riviting to those of us in the publishing industry. From my vantage point, it looks like "Jane Austen Doe" got a raw deal when it came to having a good agent, but damn if she's not sucking on some sour ass grapes. I would love to know who this writer is becuase I guarantee she writes semi-literary sort-of-commercial stuff that is a hard sell to a discriminating audience. C'mon, sleuths...unmask the embittered bad writer!Anyone else on the edge of their seats knowing that in just a few shourt hours, we will have ourselves a brand new TOP MODEL? Yes, these are exciting times.
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The barbecue was a huge
Posted by: Liz
The barbecue was a huge success, and by huge success I mean "I got drunk as a skunk," which doesn't happen very often any more, so it was a fun turn of events. It was a little reunion with good ol' Drunk Liz, who only comes out on special occasions, and yet remains predictably susceptible to the same impulses on every visit. If the popular hip-hop song of the moment is playing, Drunk Liz is very excited and starts dancing, usually in a swing dance fashion and traditionally with Drunk Kelly twirling her around. Drunk Liz gets into any body of water that is zoned for swimming or soaking. When Drunk Kelly says she'll make Drunk Liz a drink, DL thinks this is a great idea and happily drinks a plastic cup full of cheap gin and a splash of cranberry juice. Often DL thinks of a hilarious joke and proceeds to retell hilarious joke to any stranger who will listen. (Saturday's drunk joke included me noticing that the nub on the lemon wedge floating in my gin was very breast-like. Which led to me shielding the top of my cup and saying, "The FCC doesn't want me to show this to you but..." and dramatically exposing the lemon nub boob. Alternately: "Wanna see the Janet Jackson drink?" Will the hilarity ever STOP!)The body of water in question, as I mentioned earlier, was the hot tub, which was a beautiful thing sitting under a drizzly sky and holding us four drunk girls. We did, however, manage to attract the attention of the drama king of the party, a tall young man by the name of Crazy. I realize you may think I'm making up a cute blog pseudonym, but I believe his god-given name is Crazy. Although, for further comic effect, it is pronounced: Ka-waazy. And also if you think Crazy would a nice ironic name for a subdued, charming man, again you would be mistaken. In fact, I believe there was a portal to alternate worlds open, and he happened to pass right from the set of Real World Jersey City to this party. Supporting fact #1: he magically materialized next to the hot tub the second we were all inside (reality TV people are predisposed towards hot tub drama). Supporting fact #2: he wouldn't leave when we asked him politely to, and in fact (supporting fact #3:) grew increasingly more angry and began tossing our towels in the water and spouting out gross allusions to what he was going to do with his "dick." Supporting fact #4: when Drunk Krista told him to "go home and cry to your mama" he grew very upset. ("Your mama" just got a two-pepper warning) Have you ever heard of anyone actually taking offense to this? Besides people on the Real World, I mean. He got so upset, that I intervened with (a drunken) response about how we hope his mom raised him to respect others and all Krista meant was that if he couldn't give us a little respect now, maybe he needs to go home and learn some (or something). He had no response to this, bringing me to supporting fact #5 that he came from alternate Real World universe: he didn't know how to respond to calm logic in the face of this irrational anger.
This portal also let in a fireman, which was good for many laughs. The laughs mostly coming after Drunk Abby shouted drunkenly, "Is that a stripper!"
All springs should be brought in with this much aplomb.
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You know what's good about
Posted by: Liz
You know what's good about spring and summer? Barbeques. I think they're my favorite season highlight in New York. You get so little private outdoor time here (lots of parks, but few yards), that you really start appreciating outdoor gatherings in a new way. Plus, if people are inviting you over for a barbeque, chances are they are one of the lucky souls who somehow managed themselves some yard and an ajoining loungy area, which makes me feel swanky--wandering from house to yard and back again is a small pleasure I never take for granted any more. So despite the weather being what it is (utter shithole winter snow) we are being treated to the first barbeque of the season tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. And as a bonus prize? Hot tub!J will not go in hot tubs due to the fact that in his head he sees them as a steaming pot of dirty folks. Luckily, I don't share his view and am relishing the idea of soakin' it all up (mm, relish). I do have a few nervous, first bathing suit of the season fears, but I am counting on the ol' two beer coat of gloss that will surely help out.
I was IMing my mom this morning that J is going to reupholster our couch this weekend and realized I didn't know how to spell "reupholster." I figured it out, but then my mom wrote back about some couches they are reupholstering and noted that that was the first time she'd ever had to type out the word. There must be a whole slew of words we write and say every day, but never actually write out.
I am reading "Little Children" by Tom Perrotta, and for the first time since I started reading all these baby blogs, I don't have the urge to have a kid.
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This weekend I went and
Posted by: Liz
This weekend I went and got me some bangs. I haven't had full-on bangs since middle school and those times were troubling for all sorts of hair problems, bangs being the proverbial icing on the permed side ponytailed cake. So since middle school, my hair has been long and rather blah, but it's shiny and not I-like-horses-a-lot long, so it never really bothers me too much. It does seem to encourage comments like: You should do more with your hair. I should apparently smile more, too, but I like to not pay attention to unsolicited opinions concerning my head area. In any case: bangs. They were, embarrassingly, a direct result of Jennifer Aniston getting bangs and looking fabulous and me mentally superimposing my face over Jennifer's face and deciding that I should also get bangs. I called to see if the hairdresser could fit me in for a quick bang consultation (G-rated, kids) and she could. I don't know what I was thinking as far as how long it would take, but I'm used to the whole wash, cut, dry, style thing, which can take a while. But I opted out of the wash and dry bit when the receptionist informed me of the price difference. Wash and cut: $30. Just bangs: $5. Five bucks it was. I was one giant stereotype standing there clutching my Jennifer Aniston page out of People magazine and explaining to the hairdresser what I wanted. She glanced at it, swiped at my hair, and 40 seconds later BANG! bangs!I then immediately went out and bought some barrettes. Which I refuse to use because I love my bangs. Subsequently, I have been walking around wiping bangs out of my eyes all week with a pocketful of barrettes. I guess I need a little hair spray, but the words conjure bad images of middle school (see above picture), so it's the sexy hair-over-one-eye thing for now. My boss says the bangs remind him of Veronica Lake's, but I don't know about that.
I DO know about Shandi doin' it to the Italian boys! Man was THAT some television's classic moments material or what!
One of my favorite parts of the episode include hearing her boyfriend's reaction, because even when he is furious his voice still manages to come across in this hyper monotone yell, so everything has the same intonation: "HI! I MISS YOU!" "WHAT?" "YOU HAD SEX?!" "YOU STUPID BITCH!" "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?" SOB SOB "DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?" "YOU BETTER GO OUT THERE AND WORK YOUR ASS OFF FOR A CONTRACT!" Unnerving. Also hilarious is the seriousness and reverie with which the girls look up to Tyra Banks. They ask and listen to her advice for everything and then follow up by saying things like, "Tyra is so wise." "If Tyra said it, it has to be true." And, "We are now offering fruits and wine at the golden alter of Tyra, the bless'd one with IMG contract." Oh, reality TV, what will I do without you in the summer? Since I am in New York, the answer probably involves me huddled around a fire sipping hot chocolate and trying to avoid the raging July blizzards.
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Willow and I have known
Posted by: Liz
Willow and I have known each other for a long time, but I thought this picture best summed up our friendship. --------I am now officially dating
Posted by: Liz
I am now officially dating a 30-year-old. Happy Birthday, J! We celebrated by putting him in sugar shock with a ridiculous amount of desserts (including, but not limited to: Junior's Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake, cupcakes, more cupcakes, chocolate peanut butter rice krispie treats, banana pudding, M&Ms, and the waywardly unsweet--and insanely delicious--samosas with mango chutney). We then put on the facade of a party, which quickly shut down as soon as Alias started. No Lauren this episode...I guess they're saving their bitch slap-down for a finale or something.Today is good for nothing except cold showers, forgotten metro cards, crowded subways, blinding snow, and business at work. Thanks, today!
--------If I come off bitter
Posted by: Liz
If I come off bitter today it is only because ANTM stiffed us with a crappy clip show last night. When we were expecting Shandi's debauchery! Total ripoff.GOD, is this depressing! Ok, not all of it, but this part for sure:
"In the next several weeks Kraft will introduce Oreos without the filling in 100-calorie single-serving packs."
Without the what now? Who tha? Do they know what Oreos are? Can you even call it an Oreo without the filling?
The dark side of our tv commercials
Girl: Mom, what's that "For Rent" sign on our front lawn?
Mom: Well, the wireless bill was so high last month, we decided to rent out your rooms.
Girl (to hot boy in kitchen): Oh, hi!
Mom: No, that's your brother's roommate. You're roommate is--
(sound of toilet flushing, older, messy looking man emerges fanning smell away vigorously)
Older man: Whoo! That side of the house is off limits! (Turns to girl) Hi!
Girl: You're putting an old creepy man in my room with me?!
Mom: Bills are bills.
Girl: This is so typical of you! You're such a selfish bitch. Why don't you just use the phone less? I'm at school all day--I hardly even touch it. Ever since dad left you've been acting crazy. Last time the bill came you screamed so loud the neighbors called the police.
Mom (icily): I think you'd better watch yourself, missy.
Girl: Ew! This guy has my panties stuffed in his back pocket!
Mom: We are a family and we must make sacrifices as a family.
Girl: I hate you. I'm staying at Cheryl's.
(Parents sitting across from kids. Parents are dressed in rock star costumes.)
Dad: Your mother and I had career aptitude tests done and it turns out we'd be most successful as rock stars.
Mom: From now on, we'll be out most of the night. So if you could make dinner
Dad: And save some for us--
Mom: That'd be great.
Dad:Yeah.
Mom (looking at watch): Ok, we're off. Bye!
(Parents exit)
Brother: I suppose they only left us that cabinet full of crappy Chef Boyardee ravioli, like they did last time.
Sister: Probably. I didn't realize they were off their meds again. Should we call Dr. Marshall?
Brother: He might call child welfare again.
Sister: I can't believe this is happening again. Where are they?
Brother (looking out the window): On the Johnson's front porch playing a rake and trash can.
Sister: I'll get the sedatives.
(Family sitting in living room with cell phone salesman)
Dad: I'd like to get the family plan so I can keep up with, uh... (looking towards daughter, perplexed)
Audrey:(disgusted)..Audrey.
Dad: Right! Audrey. And I'd like to keep up with Billy's lacrosse--
Billy: Swimming.
(Mom wrings her hands)
Dad: Right! Swimming. (To salesman) You see why we need a little help.
Salesman: wow, I mean I can set you up with a nice plan, but I hope you'll excuse me for saying that what it really looks like you need is therapy.
Dad: (looking at salesman) Who's this asshole?
Salesman: Wha...? I--
Dad: Who is this guy? How'd he get into the house? Doris, I'm getting my gun!
Mom (to salesman): Sorry about that. Ever since the accident he suffers from bad long and short term memory loss. It's been quite hard on the family. The kids are taking it pretty hard and, being teenagers and all, lose patience pretty quick when he slips up. I'm really very sorry about all this. We'll take the $69.99/month 1200 unlimited nights and weekends plan.
Salesman: That comes with two free flip phones.
(High school party. Lots of cute guys and girls. All the girls wear tight, white, pants, except for one girl in big, baggy overalls. They're sitting in a circle, chatting)
Girl in BBO: I hate these overalls, but they're the only thing I can wear when it's that time of the month.
Friend: True.
Friend2: Hey look, here comes Marcus! What a total hottie. He's coming right for you!
Girl: Oh my god! (stands up suddenly)
Friend: What is that sudden odor? It is overpowering!
Girl: I'm so embarrassed! (runs to bathroom)
Friends and Marcus sitting around. Deafening sounds emit from bathroom.
Friend: What is that?!
Friend2: It sounds like a million pieces of cellophane being wrinkled over a static-y phone line!
Girl: (in bathroom, fumbling with dismay with a brick-sized pad wrapped in, yes, cellophane) I wish they would make a product for me! Periods are so hard! My life is so hard! I just want to wear tight white pants and ride my bike again!
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As J was looking over
Posted by: Liz
As J was looking over the state tax booklet this weekend he happened across the part that allows you a deduction if you have an SUV. My underlying hatred for SUVs was pretty much wrapped up tight after the wonderful New Yorker article about them (which I can't find a link to at all). But this tax issue unwraps it all and tosses the fury all over the place. I am so enraged about this issue, I can't get sentences out of my mouth to express it clearly. This article discusses some pros of the issue, but they seem like sad, sorry little pros. Like the fact that a fully loaded crazy, clobbering, death box is now cheaper for small business owners than a car that won't flip over when it hits a pothole. Anger. Having trouble. Making words. Fury clouding typing abilities. --------This is the most addicting
Posted by: Liz
This is the most addicting little game ever! You can play with no sound, but it's better if you can hear all the noises and songs. It's sort of a logic game in that there aren't any instructions or anything, you just have to click around and try to figure it all out. I'm warning you: this will suck away valuable work hours. Well, minutes anyway. --------I sorta wish I knew
Posted by: Liz
I sorta wish I knew more about my heritage and didn't have to google all the Jewish holidays to remember what the celebration is about. But I don't, and I do, so happy Purim everyone! I am going to be very crafty and attempt to make hamentaschen this weekend. Their shape is supposed to represent Haman's pocket or tricorner hat. The jam, I assume, represents the gooey contents of his pockets or maybe his brains. Yum! A couple weeks ago Krista and J got into a big debate about what tricorn hats were called. Krista said the were called tricorn hats and J said, no there's a different name. They went back and forth for a little while until Krista finally whipped out her laptop and produced this picture which humbled J right there on the spot. And to make sure he got the point, Krista sat her computer to display the tricorn hat for the remainder of Alias. This is now referred to as the "tricorn incident." I should probably bring Krista some hamentaschen.Anyway, as I was learning about my heritage and my people, I can across this interesting tidbit:
We are also commanded to eat, drink and be merry. According to the Talmud, a person is required to drink until he cannot tell the difference between "cursed be Haman" and "blessed be Mordecai," though opinions differ as to exactly how drunk that is. A person certainly should not become so drunk that he might violate other commandments or get seriously ill. In addition, recovering alcoholics or others who might suffer serious harm from alcohol are exempt from this obligation.
But, those who are good and healthy: drink up! Far be it from me to shirk my obligations. Bring on the margaritas!
Here are some words that I can never spell right on the first try, so have resorted to typing them into a word document, letting spell check fix it, and then pasting into the appropriate spot:
hamentaschen
Massachusetts
Schwarzenegger
I'm retarded, what can I say?
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Here's why Pinky's awesome: she
Posted by: Liz
Here's why Pinky's awesome: she goes to sleep at night and wakes up in the morning. And if she wakes up before we do, we don't know about it because she keeps to herself and doesn't, say, meow incessantly at 6 a.m., tear across the bed making weird growling noises, burrow up under the comforter to attack your sleeping body with claws of death, or knock huge things off the dresser. Sure she had a little adjustment to the litter box, and frankly who hasn't peed a little in the bathtub, but overall, she is the sweet cat I had visions of adopting before Kelly spotted Max through a store window and threatened to cry until I got him. Okay, I love the guy, but Pinky is making him look ba-ad.His tirades were especially painful this morning as J and I got home around 1:30 after traveling home from the reading on upper west side last night. The Symphony Space is beautiful, but the irony was not lost on the Brooklynites that the benefit to raise funds for the store was held as far as humanly possible from its Park Slope location. But even with the travel time factored in, this was one of the best readings McSweeney's has put on. Everyone was spot on. And you know who is a tiny man? Jonathan Safran Foer. A tiny man with incredible writing skills.
It looks like I'm going to be in charge of collecting the volunteers and tutors for the new space, too. So if you're in the area and interested in donating time to some kids, drop me a line and I'll hook you up.
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From last week's Newsweek...oh, the
Posted by: Liz
From last week's Newsweek...oh, the dangers of The Donald's influenceTrump's tough talk doesn't thrill everyone. Cathy Gurny of Scarsdale, N.Y., watches the show with her 9-year-old son, Harris, but she's worried Trump is corrupting him. For one thing, Harris now wants to be a real-estate mogul just like Trump. "I tell him you don't have to be tough and aggressive like that," says Gurny. She's also had to stop Harris from shouting "You're fired!" at the nanny. "He was scaring her," she says.
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Happy Super Tuesday! Did you
Posted by: Liz
Happy Super Tuesday! Did you vote? No, you're probably registered as an Independent (or busy handing out Watchtowers) like most of the people I know. I was, too, but under a flurry of stern advice from my parents, I switched parties several months ago so I could get my word in about the Democratic candidate and all that. So, I got to vote this morning! Because of college and some other out of town stuff, I've only ever voted by absentee ballot, so I was pretty psyched to pull the lever and make some hanging chads.I guess I kind of expected the voting volunteer people to be really excited that I, this fine, upstanding young citizen, was exercising my right and making my democratic contribution to this primary. But I got two old ladies who couldn't hear and a bitchy other lady who made me feel really (really, really) dumb for having to ask several times what exactly to do once I got in the booth. But now I'm an official NYC voter! Fun times. I was a little miffed that I didn't get an "I Voted!" sticker or a sugar cookie or something, but then J reminded me that you only get sugar cookies when you give blood, an activity that makes me pass out. So no sugar cookies in my day today.
My favorite feature in Eudora is MoodWatch, which I find endlessly hilarious. When I get an incoming e-mail there's a little space in the inbox next to the message that can contain little cartoon chili peppers which indicated the "mood" of the e-mail. That is, if someone sends me an e-mail containing the word "bitch," the e-mail is flagged with a little pepper. "Bitch" in combination with "shit" gets two peppers, as does "tit." "Fuck," of course, gets the attention of all three little peppers. I think the more words you use, the more peppers you get, but it's funny nonetheless, since all aforementioned e-mails were innocent forwards from friends and not ranting, dangerous, would-be authors who found their slush letter posted on this site. But the feature gets better! I discovered today that atop e-mails that I compose there is a little blue ice cube that is quick to turn into HOT PEPPERS! if you type in a pepper word. Additionally, it underlines the pepper word in a light green like, "um, you may not be aware of this but you, probably accidentally, typed uh, h-e-double hockey sticks, so you may think about addressing that." Is this feature for people who are not aware that they are typing bad words? Was this developed for Tourette's Syndrome typers? Of course, you can disable the feature, but I get a big kick out of feeling like I have a little religious, southern mother looking over my writing and tossing warning peppers at me.
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