Jesus.
Motherfucking.
Christ.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I fell asleep before the third hour and yet, yet, I knew just as soon as the almost-clever Moon Landing Wuz A Hoax plot unfurled, like a mildewy towel, that this might be the worst movie I’d ever seen. The enema porn that an old drunk roommate once jokingly made me watch like 7 minutes of in 1994 was better. You can laugh, later on, at haggard junkies in nurse uniforms squeezing enema bags to the orgasmic delight of some gnarly other lady. Transformers is just like, immediately all cylinders awful, and yes, more awful then junkies doing enemas. Following the naked butt of the Victoria Secret model/actress in a tracking shot up the stairs is like… the 2nd scene? Racist jokes about latinas in half shirts having a melt down. Internal politix of the Autobots race war and how much they love to serve America and would die for their humans, and they are just like jihading the jihadists every which way with their gotcha convoys wheeling across the globe. And then there is Fergies husband still hanging tough in the franchise. Frances McDormand embarrassing herself in powersuits and a bitch tone, with what is surely Michael Bay’s hatefuck fantasy of Hilary Clinton. And then there is lots of fighting and horrible Shia LaBeouaef who spends his time being emasculated by Patrick Dempsey’s hairflurf, John Malcovich’s deep tan and a bunch of car-as-dick metaphors that are truly, the heart of this franchise. This is all the interstitial parts crammed in between CONSTANT robot fights, which were cool–I ADMIT–in the first movie, but have grown impossible to understand and much louder and they now literally rage for hours.
So I asked Matt what happened, as he inexplicably stayed awake, muttering about how terrible it was the entire time.
“I’ll tell you what didn’t happen, there wasn’t a fuck scene. The model is reunited with Sleepy LaBeef, one of the robots got killed by the other robots. The guy from Can’t Buy me Love got almost killed, but he got away, I’m not sure. Some yelled “GO GO GO”, and they blew up my building from work. And um. Gargamel came back up. And then Common came out at the end and does a rap on Michigan Avenue.”
“He does not. Really?”
“And Oprah is in the audience going like [raises roof]”
“You are lying.”
“But does it even matter how Transformers ends?”

NO.