TRANSFORMERS II (2009)
It’s such a particular kind of let down, when you hit the cineplex for that sweet daze that only some blockbuster trash can deliver and you wind up feeling like you’ve been lobotmized with a rusty rake. Transformers Uno, I remembered liking, it was kind of totally ridiculous, but the sounds and the robot fights! This one, I turned to Matt and asked him “how much more we had to go” and his answer of “about an hour and a half still” felt truly distressing. Transformers Dos is a very special tribute to the most Patriotic Meme: American Firepower. All the robots had the same voice this time it seemed, like Optimus chopped and screwed. So much yelling RUN and then the splosions, the CGI spinning robot parts spinning so hard, a flurrious tumble of magic done so often the magic becomes a drag, same for Megan Fox, who we last spied being the meat in the car/boy sandwich, who is now much too much of everything, the immoderateness of her tan, her gloss pout and her slow mo jiggle through the desert and her landing ass up in the sand everytime anything detonates (every 3 seconds)–they have dialed her into their sort of porny hideousness reserved for women on strip club billboards. The PATRIOTISM FOR ALL OF EARTH storyline is like something John Ashcroft came up with in the shower: a hearts-n-minds fantasy about a warmongering America’s pact with this ancient alien race (whose ancestral home is a blownout north African nation which is also the seat of culture) so loves their human partners and their trustworthy, militarized principles, their bond so BROS4LIFE, that these robots we saved and showed our kindness, now they will rise defend us against the evil doers of their own race. I am surprised the credits didn’t open with Saddam’s hanging, and it really should of ended with someone whipping a shoe at Michael Bay. Or whipping him with one. And I don’t know if I can even broach the Heckel & Jeckel illiterate jive-talkin’ sidekick cars of Bumblebees. If they could have found a reason for those cars to be eating a watermelon and doing a little soft shoe, I am sure they would have.

TRANSFORMERS ORIGINAL FORMULA (2007)
Is it okay that I liked Transformers? Sure, it was 1/3rd recruitment film, 1/3 GMC showroom porno and 1/3rd hokey, patriotic, xenophobic fighting robots film with strange “friends share” implied three-way between a boy, his car and the vagina of the girl with the black hair whom I am not sure had a name (Editor’s note: Megan Fox). And I could probably fart better dialogue in my sleep, but the robot fights were THE BEST! That lone Decepticon space plane is gonna come back so we can have Transformers II: Built Ford Tough in America Where All Good Men Young And The Old Defend the Land with Guns for The Right To Access The Vaginas of Oiled Teenage Girls And How! and I am gonna go just for the robot fights then too. And the sound effects, also. Also, was it kind of intense that much of the dialogue is the robot man friends talking about their feelings of emotion? Optimus Prime is straight up Robert Bly style nu-macho. Oh, Transformers!