I am telling you, “Jaws” is a very good film. I think that people who disagree with me should be taken out and maimed. A recent conversation with a professor reminded me that I haven’t watched it in a couple of months, so tonight after a nice jog and a weird dinner I threw it on. For some reason last year I bought myself the anniversary collector’s edition, and I have never regretted it, even if now I can no longer remember the event it commemorated. I got my first Mr. Show and Wet Hot American Summer when I got my wisdom teeth out, from steve. Or was that my birthday? OH! They were the same week! And then I got Blue Planet from Jona that same week. So mostly I associate my favorite films with being in excruciating pain. [note from the future–I remembered! I got Jaws my first year of grad school when I had a debilitating virus and missed a week of class! So the theory holds–ed]

Anyway, Jaws! It’s playing right now! The wonders of modern technology.

Every little shot in “Jaws,” every little moment…it is just perfect. A beautiful film. That great scene where Brody is in his office typing and answers the phone and goes “yeah” and then the close-up on the typewriter where he slowly types “S-H-A-R-K A-T-T-A-C-K” !! The weird semi-Altman moments of layers of dialogue on top of each other! “Only to the jetties, okay?” “What do they usually do, wash up?” “Okay, you can go now, get a band-aid!” There is only one thing I would change, and that is the music during the “shark-chasing scenes” on the Orca. It sounds like the Goonies when they’re going down the waterslides. It is not nearly noble enough for our friend Jaw. I don’t want to think about Corey Feldman when I’m watching Roy Scheider freak out while Robert Shaw shoots that big harpoon.

It’s funny if you watch the special features, because even 20 years later you can tell how much Richard Dreyfuss HATES Robert Shaw.

“a shark is attracted to the exact kind of splashing that occurs whenever human beings go into the water, you CANNOT AVOID IT.”

Oh man, I loved seeing that Great White at the Monterey Bay aquarium. Everyone taking pictures, the flashbulbs going off, every time she went by with her teeth sticking out all over the place. She ate some of the other sharks, I think, once she got big enough. Then they let her go. UT OH.

“Now, I want those little paint-happy bastards caught and hung up by their Buster Browns!”

This scene where everyone panics and runs out of the water, and then the lady is like “Sh-Shark! Shark in the pond!” And they pull Michael out of the water and Ellen is like, “HE’S DEAD!” Sweet lord, that is great stuff. It’s weird that you make such a legit film and then go on to make so much crap, isn’t it? Same with Lucas. I mean, no offense, but Jesus Christ.

“I’m talkin’ about WORKIN’ for a living! I’m talkin’ about SHARKIN’!”

Jaws is one of my favorite films. I hate people who only have pretentious films as favorite films. I have a healthy mix of both. I believe it’s healthy. maybe it’s not healthy. I’ll tell you what’s not healthy though and that’s SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN

“The Last Shark” arrived in my mailbox with no B.S., exactly as promised. And, as promised, I found myself totally blown away by the shittiness of this film’s blatant ripping-off of one of history’s greatest stories.
It’s not just that a gigantic shark terrorizes a small coastal town. It’s not just that the main character finds himself alone at the end, hanging onto a sinking raft, with only the fuse to a “dynamite belt” which is still wrapped around the old salty sea dog Ahab character whose body is in the shark’s mouth. It’s not just how he then blows up the dynamite belt after screaming “DAMN YOU!” in slow motion (this somehow lacks the ring of “smile you sonofabitch,” but who’s counting?). It’s not just that the man running for governor of the state refuses to close the beaches because of the big “windsurfing regata” festivities, and that he is then consumed with guilt when the shark eats Brody’s–I mean “Benton’s” daughter’s leg off. They even copied (or attempted to copy) Spielberg’s signature camera tricks, like switching shots with someone walking in front of the camera in that famous beach scene where Brody freaks out and everyone thinks he’s a maniac. I forget what that camera technique is called. I mean, it just goes on and on. “YOU’VE GOT TO CLOSE DOWN THE BEACHES!” etc. “I’ll get your shark,” etc. Even naked woman running into the ocean at night! Even “shark’s eye” view, albeit without John Williams’ signature “duh duh” theme song (L’Ultimo Squalo uses a theme song that rather implies the shark is an international man of intrigue. Lots of wa-chicka guitars and drums).

However, there is more. A LOT more. Let’s look at the stats:

Shark vs. Helicopter?
Jaws: No………Ultimo Squalo: YES (helicopter loses)

Boats literally exploding 100 feet into the air with dummies strapped into them?
Jaws: No……..Ultimo Squalo: YES!

Size of actual shark:
Jaws: an only slightly supernatural 30 feet………..Ultimo Squalo: SCHOOLBUS SIZE

Body Count:
Jaws: roughly 4……….Ultimo Squalo: HUNDREDS!!!

The best part was when the mayor character, in a fit of remorse, gets his helicopter pilot to fly him out to sea in order to kill the shark with a giant shotgun. Of course, they immediately sight the shark, who is dawdling along with his huge, floppy cardboard pectoral fin sticking out of the water. Somehow the mayor falls into the water and is then holding onto the helicopter skids while his feet magically pop backwards into the shark’s open mouth. There is then a shot of the mayor’s face looking sort of perturbed, like you’d look if you saw a stray dog on your street for example. The next shot is of the shark ripping off both his legs while he hangs from the helicopter.

“His reaction did NOT match the situation in which he found himself,” the old man pointed out. He went on to say that he had been “refreshed” by this scene.

Because it’s not just the mayor. The shark destroys the entire helicopter, including the pilot, who seems strangely unimpressed throughout, in a scene I tried desperately to find a still of on google. Please settle for these other scenes from the film:

The film also contains The Best Cut In History. Allow me to explain: The Brodys / Bentons are in the emergency room where they have just learned (from a bizarre “doctor” who stares at them from afar, clearly unaware that he is still in the frame) that their daughter has lost her leg. “OH GOD!” cries the mother, flinging herself onto Peter’s shoulder, “IT JUST ISN’T FAI–” her line is interrupted by a cut to the inside of the mayor’s car as he drives toward the helicopter, complete with “international man of intrigue” shark theme disco sexy beat music.
It’s hard to describe the full brilliance of this film. Unfortunately, it’s also nearly impossible to watch it for yourself, due to the aforementioned Universal lawsuit. If you send him money, perhaps John Afryl will burn you his bootlegged copy that has some sort of Asian language subtitles permanently covering the entire bottom half of the screen.

Although easier to find than a copy of George Lucas’ “Star Wars Holiday Special,” it is no less a prize.