frozen custard

Time to leave. One week more and then it’s suitcases and seatbelts again. Making chapels out of newspapers and teacups, making comfort rituals out of the quiet moments, making cathedrals out of bathrooms. Whistling. Iambs. Prayers against viruses. Tears for kale. I get very difficult periods on the road, with torturous preludes and even wretched suffixes. I mope and cry tears when I don’t get my nutrition. I am astonished at the men on tour who can spend three days eating ramen. I can’t do it. I will put my hand to a driver’s throat if he insists there is no time to get radishes. I am starting to plan a suitcase for the next couple of months, and it is a big job to pack. Can I bring my eyelet dress for walking on lonely roads in Kentucky in August? Will I have lonely moments? I hope so! Shall I bring my ponchos, my boots, my wedding-cake baby dresses, my Mexican tunic. Every time I have toured United States before, I have worn one single T-shirt and jeans almost exclusively. With Yellow Swans, it was Get Hustle shirt that Chris tailored for me the day before I left. With Alarmist, it was our own T-shirt. “You change people, why change clothes?” is how I put it. But on second thought, it’s also nice to have the option of looking like an Indian bride, right, when you are feeling kind of bland from lack of iron. I am going to a farm after the tour, I have to consider that too. Certainly I will need a down jacket for the autumn in Northern California, won’t I need a metallic headdress and warm waffly cottons.

One thing I will not have but will certainly need is a bicycle. A skateboard would be easier. I tried to learn how to skateboard in December of 2002, when I lived at 50th and Hawthorne with Carrie. Towhead Josh put together a skateboard for me and I would practice on 50th after 2 am but then I found our front-yard tree was more fun to climb and lost interest in skateboarding in the rain and skinning my knees. At that time, I was so fixated on skateboarding, because it was a rehabiliation exercise for ending a 5-year relationship. I was determined to work up a boyish energy in myself after spending years defining my femininity so subserviently. I was very broke at that time, I was used to living in a two-income family, so Josh generously patched my board together. I skated only a few months and then gave it to Eric Crespo.

I want to have a party on Friday to say goodnight. I am leaving with Pete on Sunday. I don’t want to be at Oakland ever again, but I will for a couple of days next week and I will see good friends and record with Karl. I hope an SUV does not piourette off a bridge and hit me on the head.

My sister and I were at PDX Pop Fest on Friday night, getting on our bikes. She rode a bike very courageously, in a miniskirt that was less than a diaper. Suddenly these two men came out of nowhere with very expensive cameras and started snapping us like paparazzi. I said, "We were just talking about how much we hate our photos taken!" but Lauren loves it, she can show pretty teeth it's easy. I covered my face with my hair. This kind of attention does nothing for me, it's like a tempt with smell when I'm hungry. It makes me feel more wicked than cherished. I am no wicked Jezebel, though there are agents in this province who would like to translate my vibe muscle that way.

Can't wake up in the morning, dreams are heavy on me. Just dreamed I was riding on an airplane to the frozen custard shack down the street from my childhood home. Yesterday, I was spilling happy energy out of my pores, I perspired it, it came and came, I laughed for no reason on my bike. I went to the ink house and had the first coffee in a while, I decided this attitude could stand to be louder! After talking with Joel and then writing, I started to feel very very thirsty and in danger of my own energy. I went home and read, I watched the pirate landlord arrow and bow, but still I had this feeling: LL SSSS DDDDDD. I was so excited and I wanted something much more. Finally, I decided to take a ride up old Sulfur Mountain. I put air in my bike tires and at the gas station, and a teenager made an intimate comment about my body, thinking I wasn't listening. I gave him a very nasty look and to my great amazement, he said, "Oh, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm really sorry." I saw him again up the Sulfur and he apologized again, he seemed very sorry, this is a huge departure from Oakland. I could barely enjoy the pink quartz at the mountaintop, still so restless. I rode down the mountain then at dusk and saw the sliver of the new moon, and then I knew. In the forest, the new moon is so exciting, because then you can see at least the outline of your palm in front of your nose. When the moon is out, I want to walk around all night, find little nooks to hide in, say hello to all cats. Instead, I went with Meghan to Nature's for chocolate and then came home and mysteriously puked, from either sheer excitement or the faux pregnancy flu that is stalking around. This flu is awful, it gives nausea and breast tenderness to even the celibate. But I ate my porridge today with no problems, let the acupuncturist challenge it.

The animals are insane today too. Oranjy is trying to climb my torso like I am made of bark and he is puncturing my skin with his nail. A bird is fluttering and making plumes of pollen, this bird even tried to fly in this house!