Veeegs: September 2006 Archives

Both vegetarians and carnivores have beef with fake meats. Veggies argue the strangeness of eating a reconstituted version of the exact type of food they are trying so desperately to avoid. Meaties go one step further and ask why we would even bother eating fake meat? If you like the taste of fake meat, why not just go for the real thing? Both sides are missing the proverbial boat: Fake meat doesn't taste like real meat, doesn't behave like real meat when cooked and most importantly doesn't have to be harvested by an exploited living being.

Put this stuffed roulade plate in front of both sides of the battle field, and both will murmur: "Woah dude...this is vegan?!"

The Stuffing:
4 shallots, peeled and sliced
6 cloves of garlic, peeled and sliced
1 cup button mushrooms, chopped
1 cup oyster mushrooms, chopped
4 Tbs. cabernet sauvignon
6 stoned wheat crackers
1⁄4 cup basil, minced
1⁄4 cup gold raisins
2 Tbs. balsamic vinegar
1 Tbs. maple syrup
2 Tbs. Dijon mustard

1. Heat a sauté pan on medium and add half the garlic and shallots to toast for 5 minutes. Once they begin to brown, crank the flame to high, add all your mushrooms and the remaining garlic and shallots.
2. After about 3 minutes add the wine 1 Tbs. at a time, letting it evaporate completely. When you've used all 4 Tbs. of wine, remove from heat.
3. In a food processor or blender, grind the crackers to dust. Add cracker crumbs and the rest of the ingredients to the mushroom mixture.

The Roulade:
12" of wax paper
1 package of Gimmie Lean (fake sausage)
4 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
2 Tbs. paprika
2 Tbs. salt
2 Tbs. pepper
2 Tbs. ground cumin
1 small potato, sliced thin
1 cup Cabernet Sauvignon

1. Pre-heat oven to 300 degrees.
2. Cover your cutting board or counter top with the wax paper, and spread 1 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil. Place your fake sausage in the center. Now, take a rolling pin and lube it liberally with more olive oil.
3. Gently roll out the sausage until it is a 1/4" thick rectangle. Pack stuffing 1" inward from the side closest to you in a 2" high wall--make sure the outermost sides of the roll are just as high as the center. Roll like a giant joint making sure that the sweet weeds inside are tightly compacted while being mindful of the delicacy of your fake meat. Once rolled, combine all spices together and sprinkle over every inch of turgid goodness.
4. In a sauté pan, heat 1 Tbs. of olive oil on high heat. Sear each side of the roulade, then lay in a greased baking pan to cook. (This will hurt your fingers, but builds character.) Then pour just enough wine to cover the bottom of the pan. Bake uncovered for 15 minutes, flip and cook for another 15.

"Blood" Sauce
1 red bell pepper
1 red jalapeno pepper
1 ripe roma tomato
3 Tbs. paprika
2 Tbs. salt

1. Place the bell pepper over a medium flame, turning every so often to blacken evenly. Place burnt pepper in a bowl and cover for five minutes. Skin the pepper, and remove its stem and seeds. Add all ingredients together in a food processor or blender and pulse until smooth.
2. Serve roulade with a splatter of blood sauce and black mission figs.

Soundtrack: Minor Threat's I'm Seein' Red!
Beverage: Stone's 10th Anniversary I.P.A.

To serious vegetarians and vegans, fish is verboten. And that's just too bad, especially considering most veggie rolls are pathetic (tomato and cucumber is a waste of rice). Here we've used miso shitakes to mimic the rubbery protein of raw fish. The crisp compliment of cucumber is awesome, as long as it isn't the main dish, and of course buttery avocado. Instead of sticky sushi rice, we used forbidden rice. The purple-black color is a nice change--much more wholesome than the bleached shit.

Vegan Sushi Rolls
1 cup forbidden rice (purple grain)
2 cups water
1 Tbs. seasoned rice wine vinegar
2 shallots, peeled and sliced
1/4 cup water
1 Tbs. miso paste
6-8 shitake mushrooms, sliced in long strips
1 cucumber, peeled and refrigerated
1 avocado, peeled, pitted and halved
4 sheets of Grade A toasted nori seaweed

1. Bring a small saucepan of rice and water to boil. Cook until rice is fully cooked and slightly goopy (about 20 minutes). Strain any excess water. Cover a metal cooking sheet with wax paper and place rice on sheet. Spread rice evenly to cool and place sheet in the freezer for 20-30 minutes, or until fully cool to the touch.

2. Place a sauté pan on high heat and toast the shallots for about 5 minutes. Then add the water and miso paste, stirring to dissolve. Place on medium heat and add sliced mushrooms. Let the broth bubble for 5 minutes, or until mushrooms are cooked but not significantly smaller in size. Remove shrooms and set aside, but let broth continue to cook down.

3. Take your peeled cucumber, cut it in half and then slice lengthwise so you have four wide slices. With a spoon, gently remove seeds. Slice cucumber into noodle thin slices. Slice your avocado into thin slices and set aside.

4. Place your dry nori seawood on a wooden sushi roller (can be found in some Asian markets). Distribute 4 or 5 Tbs. of forbidden rice on to nori, making sure there is room at the top of seaweed to wet the seawood for rolling. Top the rice with other fillings, in a straight line that sits closer to the bottom of seaweed than to the top (as shown above). Then gingerly place shitake strips, cucumber and avocado in a tight line with a width of no more than an inch.

5. Grabbing the bottom of the nori, the edge closest to you, began flipping over into a tight roll, using the wooden roller to provide support. Pretend your rolling a sushi joint. Roll just short of the end, leaving a 1-inch space at the top to wet the seaweed, then roll fully and apply tight pressure. (It may take a few attempts to master this motion, keep trying!).

6. Hold the finished roll tightly and carefully cut into 5 or 6 1-inch pieces.

7. Remove miso broth from heat and mix with soy sauce for a savory dippin' sauce. Serve pieces with wasabi and miso soy sauce.

Soundtrack: the Black Angels' Passover
Beverage: King Cobra 40-ouncer