Holy Matrimony

On our one and only pilgrimage to Belmont station in the old town of “P,” we serendipitously stumbled upon a guided lecture by the head of the import department for one of the bet and brightest beer distributors in the country. While not every ale in the line up was mind blowing, the overall aesthetic of Shelton Brothers reads like a manifesto. Not only does this distro exclusively support the likes of De Ranke, the after hours brewers of XX, but they have a policy of only importing beers from brewers who produce less than a certain amount per year.
The kid tested mother approved ale we sampled in the video above, was a collaboration between two heavy weight of small batch brewing: Port Brewing co and De Proef Brewerij. The ales of Port have graced this blog both as subjects of loving reviews, and as the backdrop to our trip to Stone Brewing Co. last year. After our tour of duty with the Stone Executive Chef Carlton, we headed over to pizza port where we drank four different IPAs, ate awesome pizza, and watched the Stone Staff do the same.
De Proef is a slightly more obscure, but no less reputable source of prime sauce. Its captain is Dirk Naudts, nicknamed “the Professor.” Naudts is like the Baby Bob Dylan of Belgian beer: not only is he literally one of the most regarded brewers the world over for his specific work via his small batch brewery, but he also designs ales for bigger Belgian and Dutch breweries. Unfortunately we couldn’t find the names the of the unofficial fruits of his fermented loins…
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This ale screams of specificity. On one side of a veritable phalanx of flavor you have the Professor, rocking different fermentation techniques that most Americans can ‘t name. Brilliantly subtle yeast flavors and alcohol notes yield an utterly pleasant, but deeply complex flavor. Its goal is to absolutely trick you out of the hop bouquet you encounter upon first swirl…
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Spectacular lacing like some kind of dissolving foam mountain left in the wake of Venus herself: Kronos’ castration causing copulation convulsions.
Cloudy golden, like the first time we poured a prankster: density that makes basic vision impossible but a color that emanates light, like an inverted stout. The sweet aroma made the few lingering fruit flies in echo park drift to their deaths in smallish puddles of faded glory.
What about the hops? The age-old battle between any brew snob’s favorite styles, West Coast IPA and Belgian Glory, lock arms mid killing field and spin of in some unholy but oh-so-right maypole celebration of all things wonderful. The depth of Naudts’ yeast strains and strange fermentation is not lost on the powerful and crisp hop barrage that follows. Every descriptor in the beer aficionado’s lexicon comes to mind. Words can describe it, but they wouldn’t do it justly.
Ultimately both fronts flank everything else and leave the drinker refreshed, slain, totally immersed in the frankness of the thought that 750 ml of beer can be priced at $13.99…and worth every cent.
Dairy Pairy: Valencay Affine. An aged goat cheese, shaped like a truncated pyramid.
Soundtrack: Fela Kuti “Confusion/Gentleman”

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Hot Chick Peas w/ Harissa

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When we’re super strapped for cash, the first luxury product we cut from our pantry is canned items. Sure a can of garbanzo beans sets you back, oh, 69 cents. But buying industrial-sized sacks of dry beans for $3/10 pounds feels thrifty. When it comes to putting one of those sacks of beanies to good use, consider this generic-but-yummerz recipe for spicy chickpeas.
Serve ‘em hot, with their bean juice like gravy, and topped with Greek yogurt and potent harissa (the heady North African hot pepper paste that we are usually too lazy to whip up. The spices for the harissa are best if fresh, or as seeds and then ground using a mortar and pestle. If you ain’t got one, sub in the less fresh powder stuff, but know that you’re eating inferior sauce. Your choice.

Hot Chicks

(Serves 6)
2 cups dried garbanzo beans
3 Tbs. olive oil
1/2 red onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic
1 tsp. turmeric
1 tsp. cumin
4 cups vegetable stock
1. Place dry beans in a large bowl and cover with cool water. Let sit overnight.
2. When ready to cook beans, start with a large pot. Add oil and bring to medium heat, adding onion and garlic and spices. Saute for about 5 minutes before adding beans. Cook another 5 minutes and then add stock. Bring to a boil and put on simmer for at least 2 hours. You want a soft chick.

Harissa

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1 cup dried red chiles
1 cup hot water
5 cloves garlic, peeled
1 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. coriander
1 tsp. fennel seeds
3 Tbs. olive oil
1 tsp. sea salt
1. Place the chiles in a deep bowl and cover with boiling water. Let sit for 30-40 minutes or until peppers are soft.
2. Once ready, remove a couple peppers at a time and slice each lengthwise to remove seeds. Careful using your fingers, the seeds are hot, you can run water over the peppers while doing it or even dump sliced pepper halves back in the bowl of water to stir around until seeds come loose. Shake dry and drop in a food processor with garlic. Pulse.
3. Add spices and oil and pulse thoroughly. Remove and top again with another dash of oil for storage (up to 4 week!)
Beverage: Stone 11th anniversary IPA
Soundtrack: Cornershop’s “Heavy Soup”

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Spaghettioz

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News flash: If it’s cutesy, someone’s done it before. After a recent impulse buy of little round ring pasta, the obvious direction seemed to be simmering up some old-school Spaghettios, just with better ingredients. Not only did we discover we’ve been trumped on this one by another vegetarian blog, they made the same yuck-yuck intro. Fuck.
Regardless, we’re re-activating the playful comfort food section we call “No Drive Thru” to bring you a $5, 10-minute meal with easy to round up ingredients. The tomatoes can even be mealy, won’t matter! We’re gonna make two components of sauce for a little complexity. Watch out mommy!

Spaghettioz

(Serves 2)
2 cups Anelletti pasta
1/4 cup olive oil
6 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 red onion, chopped
2 large overripe heirloom tomatoes
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
2 cups tomato sauce
1 cup vegetable stock
1/4 cup parmesan cheese (optional)
salt and pepper to taste
Basil for garnish
1. Bring a medium pot of water to boil, with a touch of salt and olive oil. Toss in the pasta and let boil to al dente, about 8 minutes. Drain and set aside.
2. In a second pot, start the first sauce component by adding the olive oil, garlic, onion and sautéing for about 2 minutes. Then roughly chop your tomatoes and add. Wait another 2 minutes and pour in the balsamic. Cook it off by cranking the heat and boiling until half the liquid cooks off. Then, using a tea strainer or something, sift out the tomato chunks (save them and set aside) leaving the liquid on high heat.
3. Add tomato sauce and stock and bring to a rolling boil. Then drop in cooked pasta just enough to bring up to piping hot temperature.
4. Toss the vinegary tomato chunks with parmesan (substitute 2 Tbs. nutritional yeast to veeg-ify) and plop on top of the soup. Season and garnish and serve.
Beverage: Yahoo and vodka.
Soundtrack: Pavement’s “No More Kings”

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The Found Abbey

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For many epicureans, as with any other group of enthusiasts, there will always be archetypal representations of genre based perfection that are lost, or simply cease to exist. The fish that got away, is a typical lament for any manner of minutia masters and for the booze hound and the beer snob, these occurrences become rarer and rarer as the world slowly cruises closer to itself via the internet and the market. Most examples of these phenomena in our realm of dorkery pertain to small runs of super rare specimens that grace the shelves of a favorite beer monger for the briefest of moments, snatched into oblivion by fellow fiends and unknowing boozers. As our network expands, there are fewer and fewer beers that remain unknown, and those that were once impossible to find somehow grace the shelves of Wholefoods…
‘Le Trappe Quadrupel’ was the most coveted Belgian bottle to grace the shelves of one of our first perpetually amazing beer stores, Jubilation, in Alex’s hometown of Albuquerque. The beer, bottle conditioned in beautiful ceramic 750ml crocks, was the first brew to really push our early conceptions of Belgian ale. It was also consistently sold out up until the day that, until now, the beer disappeared from our lives. Many a night Le Trappe’s name was mentioned listlessly over glasses of both sub par suds and the best Belgian ales these four lips have sipped.
Today, after taking turns trying to pry the goddamn cork out, we tapped a gold mine. We swished and clicked and swirled and ogled the brew with the usual drive and attention. Then one of those sense-memory vortexes opened wide and threw us back five years. The thick cloud of a head, miniature hoards of bubble that tickle the underside of your tongue and the crystalline apple cider finish literally transported us 797 miles to a higher altitude and a drier climate where the sky stretched on forever. A time when expired Texan identities were our one trick ponies in a town whose punishment for underage drinking was death…
Here’s the problem: we have no idea where this bottle of glory was bought. It was one of the few interesting things left over in a cooler for the Great L.A. Beer Ride, and as such has an easily reducible pedigree. Who of our 8% and abovers knows where to find this loverly libation?
Find it. Even if you’ve never had the pleasure of the old ceramic bombers, this beer will make its mark on your mind.
Diary Pairy: La Tur, a soft ripened blend of Italian sheep, goat and cow’s milk.
Soundtrack: Agustus Pablo “This is Agustus Pablo”

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Emerald Chutney Salad

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It being mid-September, summer salad season is in its last throes and our salad spinners are ‘bout to be put away. Of course, being produce geeks and living in perpetual sun, we never fully hibernate from the greenery, if anything our kitchens start seeing more salads sans lettuce. Last weekend we messed with a version of the classic Green Goddess dressing (typically dill and parsley and something creamy like avo or tahini) and presented it green leaf-less, more like a tart chutney alongside a buttery brunch meal. The tendril crunch of fava beans and the smooth lick of avocado make it the perfect end of ‘salad days’ salad.

Green God(dess)

1 lbs. fava bean pods
1 avocado
2 Persian cucumbers
1/2 red onion, chopped
2 shallots, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp lime juice
1/4 cup fresh dill, chopped
2 Tbs. walnut oil
1 Tbs. tahini
2 Tbs. champagne vinegar
sea salt and fresh black pepper to taste
1. Start by shelling yo favz. The pods will come apart easily, just make sure to pick out any ill looking beans.
2. Bring a large pot of salted water and the fava beans to a rolling boil; once it boils, they’re are done. Drain and remove and let cool.
3. Peel and slice your avocado — you want thick, firm chunks. Cut your cucumbers into similar sized pieces (peel first if desired) and add to a large mixing bowl with onion, shallots and garlic.
4. In a separate bowl thoroughly mix the lime juice, your fresh dill, oil, tahini, vinegar and seasonings.
5. Peel the casings off the now cooled fava beans and add to the green mess, dress and toss.
Beverage: Champagne Pomme lambic spritzer
Soundtrack: White Rainbow’s Zome

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Fresh Fruit For Rowdy Vegetarians

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Fruit salad is a rather nefarious term usually referring to some kind of fructose based nightmare suspended in gelatin that you reluctantly shove down your gullet at a friends’ grandparent house, or a typical mish mash of randomly cut fruits and berries that serve as a buffet throwaway or (apparently) an invitation to sex.
For this tail-end-of-summer salad, we went for a more refined version of what will commonly grace the end of your meal. While we are certainly dessert deficient, we are self proclaimed produce pontificators, and we applied the same love and design we would to a basket of sungold tomatoes, a summer squash and a bunch of green garlic, to a few sweeter growths. With a few sauces and accoutrements, some familiar knife cuts and a little bit of flair, we transported the basic aspect of a fruit salad into a full on plate: more than fit for a dessert option for brunch or dinner.

Coriander Simple Syrup:

½ cup organic sugar
½ cup water
1+½ teaspoon ground coriander
1. Place ½ cup water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil. Mix in the sugar and return to a boil. When the sugar is dissolved, reduce to medium heat, add the coriander and mix thoroughly. Let the syrup bubble for five minutes and then transfer to a bowl and chill in your freezer.

Salad:

½ small jicama
1 Asian pear
¼ cup diced cilantro
2 baby bananas
1 Tsp. Cayenne pepper
1 Tbs. Pomegranate molasses
1. Cut the jicama in half, and make the thinnest slices from the exposed flesh side (the middle) until you reach the butt, which will have skin still attached.
3. Stack ¼ of the slices op top of each other and carefully slice off the skin of jicama. When the skin is off, slice thinly and vertically from the once was center of the root to the edge in a thin julienne: making what would resemble batons or matchsticks.
4. Cut the Asian pear in quarters. Placing an exposed edge of the pear against your cutting board, make a diagonal cut from left to right, which will remove the core and seeds of each quarter. Then slice each quarter lengthwise as thin as you can.
5. Snip the tip of a baby banana and peel it. Cut each banana in half using a broad bias.
6. Pick the leaves off the cilantro and chop.
7. Toss the cilantro, jicama, and ½ of the coriander syrup in a mixing bowl.

To plate:

1. Place a handful of the cilantro-corainder syrup-jicama on one side of a plate.
2. Butt a segment of banana against the stack of jicama.
3. Fan out ¼ of the pear against the banana.
4. Garnish with an extra drizzle of coriander syrup, and Pomegranate Molasses.
Beverage: Lambic Kir Royale, Champagne mixed with Cassis Lambic
Soundtrack: Toots and Maytals “Funky Kingston”

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“Kill Ugly Radio”

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Lagunitas is one of the few breweries that has taken our pitch seriously enough to send us a box of complimentary “review” beer. That was about, oh, a year and a half ago: A huge-ass cardboard box came via FedEx to the Hot Knives offices (back when we were a food and drink column for a newspaper and we had offices) and we jimmied it open to find the Frank Zappa tribute special release brew we’d asked for. The bombers went straight in the fridge and that weekend we popped ‘em on the porch after a bike ride, threw back some snacks and pontificated on the booze. After two bottles, we got stuck on how bad the label art was and we never got around to writing a proper review. Too bad too because the stuff ain’t bad. And no one has sent us free boxes of beer since then…
So, when on a recent 7-11 run we noticed that that Frank Zappa-tribute seasonal is back, we felt compelled by dirty karma to give this shit another shot. Same good beer, totally different — and even worse — label art!
There’s a big wavy head on the stuff at first pour, sort of a rocker hair version of beer foam. What’s better is the effie fucking carbonation bubbles that fizzle for the first minute and then dissipate; it’s a perfect carbonation level for a summery IPA. And yes, this is in most ways an IPA. It’s not terribly different from the straight-ahead Alesmith IPA or something: a session IPA that you could drink “1, 2, 5 or 10” of. After the initial hop zing, which is expertly balanced but not as nutso as you’d expect from a Frank Zappa tribute, comes a well-rounded mellowness. Back when we first glugged this beer, and now almost 18 months later, one after taste comes to mind: strawberry brioche. And not because it actually taste like it, but because it hints at. We can’t help but think that means something. To conclude: don’t let this label fool you, there’s a decent IPA chugger inside this mother.
Dairy Pairy: St. Pat
Soundtrack: Devendra Bahnhart’s “Oh Me, Oh My”

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Crewtons

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Most our homies don’t need encouragement to eat their leafy greens, but hey, it happens. For those who don’t get salad (and they are out there, even amongst vegans), there is one and only one cure: excellent croutons. They can turn a plate of salad into a big bowl of tasty bread that happens to have some lettuce mixed in.
Yet there’s an even better reason to start making your own croutons: We all eat bread, buy bread, and either toss out or kinda make ourselves eat the heels shit. Don’t do it! Simply save the end of each loaf, keep it in the fridge for up to 3 weeks, and when you have a heel of rye, a couple pieces of stale French bread, a pair of squaw bread slices and a hamburger bun that’s about to mold just cut ‘em up and dress up right! The crew will never notice.

Gang Crewtons

(makes 2 cups)
8-10 heels of bread (various kinds)
1 cup walnut oil
2 Tbs. olive oil
5 cloves garlic
1/2 red onion
2 sprigs rosemary
2 sprigs thyme
2 Tbs. sea salt
1 Tbs. sage
1 tsp cayenne pepper
black pepper to taste
1. Cut the heels of bread into equal-sized pieces, small, about 2 cm by 2 cm. Throw them in a shallow bowl and cover with walnut oil. Let sit (in sun if preferable) for about 30 minutes to soak up oil.
2. Heat a large skillet on high heat, add olive oil and then sauté the garlic, onion and herbs for about 5 minutes. Turn down to medium and add bread pieces.
3. Stir or toss for about 10 minutes: make sure they don’t burn or brown unevenly. Season half way through and keep tossing. Add more oil if absolutely necessary, and turn down heat if it looks too hot.
4. Remove and set on top of paper towels to blot. Cool for at least one hour before serving. Or save for up to one week.

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The “Deuce”

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Quite literally the champagne of beers, Deus Brut des Flandres is light and sparkly and — if you ask some of the beefier beer advocates out there — for girls. (This despite the fact that it’s extremely challenging to not pronounce its name “deuce.”)
It was an unseasonably hot Sunday afternoon and we were gawking at our favorite 7-11 beer fridge when a guy we pegged for an unlikely beer coniseour started loading up a milk crate with bottles of Duvel, Three Philosophers and Golden Draak. The dude seemed grittier than most Belgian drinkers, sporting mud-splattered construction boots, Oakley sunglasses and heavy metal facial hair. After a long consideration he grabbed one last bottle, a Deus, and lugged his loot to the check-out counter. Standing behind him in line, we couldn’t help put pipe up, “Have you tried the Deus before? It’s totally nuts if you age it.” Turning first to his friend (backwards cap and smug face) and then very, very slowly at us, the dude scoffed and waited a moment before saying “That’s for my girlfriend.” As if to make clear that this was a ‘fuck you,’ and not just a statement of fact.
Well, let the dusch drink his Duvel while his lady friend sips the good shit.
Deus ain’t bombastic, despite its fairly high 10% ABV. That’s thanks to the fact that it’s literally brewed as if it were a champagne (aged 12 months in French caves, removed of its yeast the same way sparkling wines are). But it’s not easy on the pallet either. The smooth and curvy champagne-imitating bottle is a bit of a tongue twister too because you almost expect it to taste like wedding bubbles, that’s certainly what it looks like. On first pour, the foam threatens to spill over and the color is only slightly deeper than your average Dom P. The nose is an ambiguous spice and a very mild booze waft. It hits the lips tasting like some mad scientist mix between bergamot and chamomile, mildly reminiscent of a beer-scented lotion. What the deus?
It’s admittedly refined ($26 retail), a little floral, not altogether manly per say. But man, this stuff is rewardingly confusing, giving any Belgian a run for its money in the ‘complexity’ category. And like most special brews in this world, it gets better the more you drink it. Don’t get us wrong, this is not the stuff of ‘go home, need to crack a beer,’ it’s special occasion stuff. That’s why we only sip it in our best low-cut slips and pantyhose.
Dairy Pairy: Monte Enebro
Soundtrack: David Bowie’s “Velvet Goldmine”

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Szechuan Soba Salad

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Our great, grad school-bound buddy Aubrey “Bobby Beers” White recently high-tailed it out of town. But before she did, she broke out a box of packaged snacks from Japan, all filled with neon colored pickles, she’d been saving for over a year and we threw a sweet and sour going away party for the old gal. We washed it all down with two bottles of unfiltered sake, tempura-fried mushrooms, eggplant, sweet potato and broccoli, and this sweet, cold soba noodle salad. The oil-slicked noodles are perked with peppery cucumber slivers dunked in vinegar: an improvised recipe. Gobble it with people you like. Bon voyage Bobby Beers!
(Serves 6-8)

Szechuan Pickles

4 Japanese cucumbers
1 small bulb ginger
3 tsp. fresh black pepper
1 tsp. Szechuan pepper
1/8 cup rice vinegar
1 Tbs. soy sauce
1. Slice the thin cukes in half lengthwise, leaving eight pieces, and slice into matchstick-sized slices. Peel ginger and slice into even smaller matchsticks. Place both in a shallow mixing bowl. Toss all other ingredients and let sit 20-30 minutes or longer while you prepare noodles.

Soba Noodle Salad

2 1/2 cups water
4 Tbs. sesame oil
1 tsp sea salt
8-10 oz soba noodles
1/8 sesame seeds
2. In a medium-size pot, bring water to a rolling boil and add salt and 1 Tbs. of sesame oil. Toss in soba noodles and cook 8-10 minutes or until fully cooked, making sure they don’t stick too much.
3. In a small sauté pan, heat sesame seeds up for 2-3 minutes, tossing to keep from toasting too much.
4. Once cooked, cool noodles under cold water and drain well. Place in a large mixing bowl and top with hot sesame seeds and rest of the sesame oil. Then add the freshly Szechuan pickles and toss thoroughly. Serve room temperature or refrigerate for 2 hours and serve coolish. (Add Sriracha as desired!)

Beverage:
Unfiltered sake, St. Red Rogue Dry-Hopped
Soundtrack: Elliot Smith’s self-titled

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