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Pairing food with booze is an age-old tradition birthed from the hallowed halls of kings and queens; but nowadays it's standard -- shallow even -- and a resounding noise reverberates like old Wendy's ads (no really, 'where is the beef?'). In hopes of modernizing the shit, and elevating our beverage of choice (BEER) above the tradish (fucking grape juice), we have made a point of pairing our food with beer for the four years since someone was dumb enough to give us an online password. Now we're putting our money where our mouth is!

This weekend ye old Hot Knives will be presenting from the bully pulpit our 'Do's and Don'ts' of cheese and beer pairing at the Los Angeles Craft and Artisan Beer Appreciation League's (...whoooh, deep breath...) First Annual Craft Beer Fest. So. Many. Caps. Here's the deal: 15 California breweries will be pouring 2 handcrafted beers each while we, and several other beer-friendly restaurants and caterers sling free gourmet grub. On top of our cheese power point, some of the region's coolest beer peeps will be scattin'.

Craftsman Brewing Co.
Telegraph Brewing Co.
The Bruery
Hangar 24 Brewery
Blind Lady Alehouse
Port Brewing Co.
Firestone Walker Brewing Co.
TAPS Brewery
Green Flash Brewing Co
Ballast Point Brewing Company
Stone Brewing
Sierra Nevada Brewing
Lagunitas Brewing Co.
Coronado Brewing

So what cheeses will we be cutting? Glad you asked grasshopper, because we have a little game for you. We'll name the dairy and the beer and you try to pair them. Watch our brain-logged brains try to come up with tasting adjectives describing the characteristics of each. The first person who comes up with the pairings we feel are most appropriate will get a free ticket to the Craft Beer Fest L.A., which we've sold out pre-sale anyway.

Stone's Sublimely Self Righteous Ale
Lagunitas Gnarley Wine
Ballast Point's Big Eye IPA
Green Flash Trippel

Cana de Oveja: Soft Ripened Ewe's Milk from Spain.
Tastes: bright, lemony, slightly sour, and because of its age its super milky.
Promising Pairs: wheat beers, Belgian triples, lambics and sours.

Chaubier: Washed Rind Semi Firm Cow/Goat blend from France.
Tastes: slightly acidic, slightly swiss, meaty but smooth.
Promising Pairs: pale ales, IPAs.

Beemster X.O: 3 Year Aged Cow's milk from Holland
Tastes: deep; butterscotch with umami pop rocks.
Promising Pairs: stouts, porters, anything aged in oak.

Fourme D'ambert: Wine and Mold Injected French Blue. Cow's Milk
Tastes: sweet, salty, funky and smooth.
Promising Pairs: scotch style, porters, strong ales.

So, people, what's the pairy?

Want this sammy? It's yours! We weren't going to say anything about our latest grilled cheese exploits because, well, the thing was sold out. But now we're told that there's two seats left, so here ya go. It's not so exclusive, it's just a smallish fun thing. Hot Knives is grilling sandwiches for a 12-beer and 4-cheese tasting at one of our favorite beer stores, Red Carpet Wine & Spirits in Glendale. It's the second of two events and it's tomorrow (Aug. 24). The tickets are half price ($20). Rather than raffle them off, we thought we'd throw a cheesy contest. But first, consider these sammy courses...

So here's the deal: The first person to rock this cheese trivia can claim the tickets tomorrow and take their seat at the grilled cheese and beer bar. Leave your answers as comments. The first dude with the most right answers, wins. Here we go...

1. Place the following cheeses in order of their fat content (from most to least fatty): sheep, cow, goat.

2. You've found mold growing on a piece of cheddar in your fridge, should you a) toss the whole thing out b) cut off the moldy bit and eat the rest c) scarf it mold and all.

3. Which of these cheese is not traditionally made in the town it is named after: Roquefort, Stilton or Gorgonzola.

4. What is the most popular cheese in France (per kilos sold)?

5. True of false, there are cheese produced in Italy, France and Spain whose ripeness is determined by maggots or mites being present?

After a recent trip to the always epic Cheesestore of Silver lake, we found ourselves gorging on a really ripping cheese plate. If you have the means we highly recommend picking up any of the following lactic lords.

l'Alt Urgell y la Cerdanya (Urgelia for short)

Like many other types of epicurean ephemera, a cheese ascends the ranks of cool when it is reminiscent of something else. Urgelia is an unpasteurized, washed rind, semi soft cows milk cheese from the Spanish Pyrenees. The cheeses that most people think of when they think 'Spain' are harder, drier sheeps milk cheeses, and strong salt goats milk cheeses. Cows are a bit of a rarity.

The pate (the part you eat) on this little stinker is pleasantly elastic, with lots of little eyes (air bubbles). When Urgelia has some age to it, the smell from the washed rind will be a bit pungent, evocative of past prime fruits and rubber boots. Don’t be intimidated: the flavor lies somewhere in between Morbier and Gruyere: sweet, slightly meaty, with a lingering sting.

Grape: Cava, a cheaper than most sparkling wine form Spain.
Grain: St. Barnadus Witte

Hook’s 10 year Cheddar

Americans are turning out more artisinal cheeses than ever these days, and most of them follow a very traceable trajectory in terms of style: the copycat. Not to poopoo the movement, it’s very important for American dariy-people to become cheese makers, but most of the time the cheeses made are not so removed replicas of cheeses from Europe. Is cheese that is “in the style” of Epoisses anywhere near as good as it’s o.g. version? Not really, but at least we can sleep better knowing we’ve reduced our carbon footprint on the world.

Hook’s cheddars are a fantastic example of an outstanding American cheese. Yeah, cheddar came from England by way of France by way of Rome, but American dairy farmers have been making a distinctive version of this ancient cheese for a very long time. Unlike English cheddars which can be much more grainy and grassy, American cheddars have an undeniable sweetness and comforting quality that straddles the entire genre from Tillamook in Oregon to Grafton in Vermont.

Did we mention this one has been babysat since 1997? God. The cheese tastes as epic as the heaven’s gate suicide, the departure of Our Princess, and the heaviest line item veto slick Willy ever conjured post-cigar. It tastes just like Cheddar. To the Extreme.

Grape: Pinot Noir
Grain: Saison DuPont

Pascal Bellevue’s “St. Maure.”

There is a new influx of French cheeses being imported to the states that are all pretty much perfect. If you ever see the words Affineur or Affineuse on signage at your favorite cheese store buy, buy, buy. We briefed you on the logistics of the cheese-ager (Affineur) a few months back when we told you about Chantal Plasse’s transcendental Roquefort, L’Aigle Noir. Basically the Affineur is your absolutel guerentee to perfect cheese thousands of miles from where its produced. Dudes check out the best cheeses, snatch them when they’re young and mature the cheeses to perfection under watchful eyes and lots of turning.

Mr. Bellevue’s St. Maure de Tourainne, is a particular beauty because it’s raw. Any cheese aged for less than 60 days must be pastuerised, according to the dummies at the FDA. Most examples fo goats cheeses like the belle to your right are meant to be enjoyed on the younger side so you’ll probably never find a raw specimen of this type of cheese. Usually the word Raw makes many would be chesefiends freak a little: it sounds strong and dangerous. With younger cheeses like this Loire Valley Goat, the pasteurisaztion robs the milk, and thus the cheese, of its beautiful subtleties. This cheese is very delicate, and you can taste the grass the goat ate, and the dirt that grew the grass.

Grape: Sancerre
Grain: Cantillion Geuze

Bleu De Bocage

The last on the lineup is another from Pascal’s caves. It’s also unpasteurised and it come from a small spattering of blues made with Goat’s milk. The goat milk blue is a tricky subject, and usually the results don’t marry the sting of penecilium roqueforti, with the acidity of an aged french goat's cheese. This cheese is the perfect conciliation of those two vibes, the mold meets the goat on equal footing with a crumbly ivory pate and a finish with real staying power. This cheese is kind of invincible. In most cases when a blue is turning a little pink around the gills it means it's walking towards ammonia avenue, but Bocage was totally perfect: tart, salty, vivid.

Grape: Late Harvest Banyuls
Grain: Lost Abbey's 10 Commandments