April 2006 Archives

The words 'Sake Bomb' paint violent pictures of straw villages being mushroomed by atom bombs AND spring break college brats downing shots at sushi bars. For a recipe that recalls neither, try this dish of sake-marinated tempeh with a beer battered tempura. Decidedly more respectable.

Last weekend we, at Hot Knives, became official "Fucking Grilled Cheese Champions." No, that's our actual title, and we have trophies to prove it. Good thing too, cuz if not for these gleaming little bronze men holding glue-gunned, plastic sandwiches, the whole night would be a forgotten blur of butter burns and beer aches.

Once a year, the same freaks that bring you the Burning Man festival don the weirdo costumes that they don't mind getting oozing dairy all over, and host one of the more bizarre food events held in L.A.: the annual Grilled Cheese Invitational. This year it went down at a sprawling art space complex where 60 competitors lined up at outside cooking stations and grilled away while hundreds of freak show judges milled about the mandatory bonfire.

Part culinary competition, part fashion disaster and part rave potluck, the tournament was a blast, if a little much. The Hot Knives crew--while prepping fastidiously in bandito bandanas and slugging bottles of Imperial Stout--found itself, quite uncommonly, feeling like toned-down squares in a sea of weirdos. Between the "Cheese-leaders" and the guy who went by "The Mayor of Cheese," we actually decided that some of these people may have had an unnatural obsession with cheese, which, coming from us, is scary.

While we were knocking out our sandwiches for the second heat, a woman behind us actually turned to the crowd and asked if she should "put some milk on it," at which point she tugged out a post-birth breast and squirted mother's milk all over her "weed ghee butter" melt to the cheers of the audience, including her husband and toddler. Needless to say, we felt more than a little out-done.

Besides the peep show moments and spastic performances, worthy competitors were few and far between; a surprising number of those competing pledged allegiance to Velveeta and Wonder Bread. A few notable exceptions were a pita-panini filled with pesto and buffalo mozzarella, an Australian pineapple and soy bacon melt grilled in a contraption that looked like what they brand livestock with, and a sandwich that was hung on a 20-foot pole and exploded with periodic bursts of immense blow torch flames.

Nevertheless, in their ultimate wisdom, the judges that tasted each sandwich handed Hot Knives trophies in two categories.

California beer is as diverse as the state's geography, climate and population, precisely because all of those factors go into a killer brew. From Humboldt hemp ales to the stouts of the Central Valley, to the hoppier-than-thou pale ales from atop the Sierras, California rules. So when Hot Knives was asked to review a selection of Cali beers, we nearly had to be restrained from pawning our kitchen equipment for beer money. After three days of inter-office intoxication and the throwing around of a lot of frou frou adjectives, we cast our scores and compiled a descriptive list of every bottle we could squeeze on the break-room table. Though we should point out that we'd gladly get wasted on any of these fine beers. Cheers!

INDIA PALE ALES

Reaper Ale (6.2% alcohol by vol.)
Nose: Impressive bouquet, very herby.
Tongue: Mildly hoppy, extrememly light, and lacking in bubbles.
Eyes: Weak head and horrible bottle design.
Brain: This beer's label asks, "Do you dare?" Yes, we fucking dare, but this is more of a burger and fries beer.
Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles

Bear Republic Racer 5 IPA (7%)
Nose: Mild lager scent.
Tongue: Initial booze notes with a lasting, satisfying hop finish. Dry and crisp.
Eyes: Very cloudy in an ominously good way, lots of sediment. Cheesy bottling.
Brain: This bomber could equally compliment a day of snowboarding, and eating a pizza in a gutter. Buy a keg of this.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 bottles

Stone Ruination IPA (7.7%)
Nose: Slightly dank, weed and cat pee notes.
Tongue: Bitter, sharp, sour and totally enveloping.
Eyes: Light in color, a sleeping tiger.
Brain: This is a commitment as you won't be able to drink anything else all night. Perfect accompaniment for locking your friends in a room to induce a violent episode or to offer to a hard-ass goblin.
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles

Moylan's Double IPA (8.5%)
Nose: Inviting hoppiness.
Tongue: Thick round flavor, well balanced booze and floral notes and no surprise aftertaste.
Eyes: Great amber color, reasonable packaging with Celtic lettering.
Brain: This IPA has everything, plus it makes you very drunk. Not entirely fair because it's the only double among the IPAs.
Rating: 5 out of 5 bottles

PORTERS

Firestone Double Barrel (5.9%)
Nose: Muted, not much smell.
Tongue: Pleasant earthy, soil taste, almost metallic. Less sweet, mild oatmeal.
Eyes: Extremely dark, perfect for winter.
Brain: This is a great farm lunch porter and would be great with a Euro spread of bread and cheese after toiling in the dirt.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 bottles

Marin Co. Point Reyes Porter (6%)
Nose: Like wet paint, in a good way.
Tongue: An initial burnt taste, rounded out by maple notes and a creamy finish.
Eyes: Brown and bubbly.
Brain: This is a generic, tasty porter, no surprises.
Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles

Farmhouse Porter (unknown)
Nose: Sweet honeysuckle.
Tongue: An immediate bite with a mellow spice finish-cinnamon, allspice, root beer cream.
Eyes: Dark, little head. Simplistic but sleek design, looks super-homemade.
Brain: This is the kind of beer that you imagine cartoon villains are constantly seeking: a sweet spicy concoction of black booze. Could have "XX" on the bottle.
Rating: 5 out of 5 bottles

BELGIAN STYLE ALES

Russian River's Damnation Ale (7%)
Nose: Fruity nose.
Tongue: Initial saltiness, almost meaty, followed by an underwhelming lager taste.
Eyes: Golden.
Brain: Just like the name, everything about this beer is up front but then has no follow-through. Weak show. Perfect beer for purgatory.
Rating: 2 out of 5 bottles

Alesmith Grand Cru (10%)
Nose: Strong cider aroma.
Tongue: Shocking, metallic, too bitter but extremely boozey.
Eyes: Lacking a cork, but nice bottle.
Brain: It would be painful to drink much of this; in classic San Diego fashion these dudes have tried too hard. The result is heartburn.
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 bottles

Angel City Abbey (8%)
Nose: Rose hips.
Tongue: Subtle banana flavors, proper sweetness.
Eyes: Low head and lots of yeast. Generic design, poor color choice.
Brain: This is a welcome approach to Belgian style, with a more noticeable bitter bite and without the oppressive sweetness.
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles

Sushi-style Bloody Mary
3 cups vegetable juice
4 shots vodka
4 Tbs. pickled ginger
2 Tbs. soy sauce
1 1/2 Tbs. wasabi
1 tsp. sesame oil
2 tsp. Siracha (cock sauce)
Salt and pepper to taste
Sesame seeds to garnish

If every slice of pizza had a good dose of psychotropic weed oil in it, you'd probably think twice about devouring the whole thing before your roommates came home. Our 'One For the Doctor' pie combines beer and weed, for the perfect pizza every time. Now share.