Vote for the new Pope!

Unsurprisingly, the process of Pope selection is extremely political. Of course, since the pope is chosen by God, there's really no reason to think about or discuss the politics behind the scenes, according to a bishop on CNN this weekend. Hmm. If you find this unsatisfying, I invite you to make your voice heard by voting for a new pope in this straw poll. Your options are:

1. Bono. A big part of the Pope's job is uniting various factions. Well, Christians worldwide already love this dude. He's progressive, but he can get people of all political stripes to come together for something good, like AIDS relief in africa. He actually wrote a promotional blurb on the back of one of my bibles! He's already accustomed to wearing silly outfits, making pompous pronouncements, and having crowds of people revering him. Also, if he's the Pope, he'll be too busy to make any more crappy records. Dude hasn't done anything interesting since the Popmart tour.

2. Sister Wendy Beckett. John Paul II spent a lot of time telling catholics what to think about stem cell research, contraception, women as priests, etc.. Funny thing is, American Catholics loved JP2, but had no problem disagreeing with him about almost everything! So if we're going to disregard moral stances anyway, maybe it's time for a pope that'll keep her trap shut about that junk and will instead tell us something useful and interesting, like about Renoir's symbolic use of light and shadow. Sister Wendy is an adorable british nun/self-taught art historian, and my mom highly recommends her public TV shows, which you can get from Netflix.

3. Oprah Winfrey. In the modern marketplace of religions, how will Catholicism be able to compete with Protestant megachurches which offer one-stop spiritual shopping? Through the power of SYNERGY! Okay so her spiritual content tends to be of the superficial self-help therapeutic deist variety. But that's how one gets to be queen of all media.

4. Steve Schroeder. Everyone loves Steve. Steve loves everyone. You know this dude would make such an awesome pope.

5. David Bawden, the pope of Kansas. As documented in Thomas Frank's excellent book What's the Matter With Kansas, David Bawden meticulously studied catholic history and doctrine for years, concluding that the church became heretical with the progressive, modernizing reforms of Vatican II. This is roughly the same position that Opus Dei conservatives like Mel Gibson hold, but Bawden considers them heretics too, because they don't fully reject the current church. In 1990, Bawden decided that the only possible step would be to hold an election. His mother and a couple of his neighbors showed up to vote, and unsurprisingly, Bawden himself was elected and renamed Pope Michael I.

6. 50 Cent. Doesn't need a popemobile; he's been shot nine times! Also, disrespectful to women, just like a real pope.

To vote, leave a comment with your choice. Write-in candidates will be accepted.