disasters: May 2006 Archives

First, create an atmosphere of chaos: consume either too much coffee, or don't have any, as will contribute to your least effective performance. Then, make sure you schedule deliveries of produce, dairy, cheese and meats from 3 different distributers to arrive within the same half-hour window of a friday morning. Make sure you've ordered 6 cases of Lurisia Sparkling water, in 500ml and 1 liter sizes. San Pellegrino or any other expensive, imported water can be substituted, so long as it's in glass bottles. Stack these, along with a case of #10 can of italian plum tomatoes on top of a unstable box containing 4 gallons of pickle slices. These pickles should have been put away two days ago, but they're an essential component to the cleaning process. After you have made your row of boxes about 5 ft high, start making a good-morning sandwich. When an unsuspecting customer leaves the restroom, the current of air created by the door will be enough for the pickle box to buckle underneath the weight of the fragile inventory, sending about $75 worth (wholesale) of imported sparkling water plunging to the floor. The impact of the fall will be enough to shatter 90% of the contents of the boxes stacked highest from the floor. This will create a puddle of imported sparkling water about 6 feet in diameter, roughly half the size of our cafe. The noise of the fall will also alarm customers, some of whom may never return, but it's a small price to pay for sparkling floors. Once you've swept most of the broken glass, you should have several microscopic shards imbedded in your skin--you'll continue to find them throughout the day. Get out the mop and bucket and generally distribute the water around, then thank fucking God it wasn't 3 cases of anything containing sugar, just expensive water, and admire your shiny clean floor.

Until little over an hour ago, it didn't look so good. I have been battling with our credit card company for more than 2 weeks, first trying to get a replacement for our terminal who's enter key slowly stripped away, leaving us to dismantle the machine and blindly stab at the circuitry in order to process a transaction. A new machine that was supposed to arrive on May 4 didn't show up until the 11th, and with me out of town until then the old one let us continue our little game of "operation." After being home from work approximately one hour, I got the call from Brian that the old machine had finally bit the dust. Went back downtown, thought twice about putting 40 minutes in the meter---how long could this possibly take?

How very wrong I was. First, I hooked up the new machine and after being on the phone with tech support for 20 minutes, realized that not only was the machine not doing its download, it had no line active and the telephone was dead. The Meltdown had begun.

First, I had to assess that the fact that Jacque had flooded the whole kitchen had nothing to do with the phone line/credit card line being dead. Then, had to put more money in the meter. Called Qwest, agreed to give them a bunch of money if they would come out by sometime...tomorrow. Getting back on the phone with tech support at Cardservice International, learned I had the jack in the wrong port. Ha Ha! Wasn't it funny when I was frantically running around the shop, swearing and putting the fear in Jacque and Brian, when it was all about the wrong jack? Ah, good times. Cancelled emergency repair with Qwest. Downloaded again. Put more money in the meter, as the downloads take a good long while. Made myself an iced green tea, as I hadn't had coffee since wednesday and the headaches we're just starting to go away. Download Complete. Numbers scroll, then stop. system error. What? Call tech support again. Ask what's going on and get put on hold. Put more money in the meter. 20 minutes later I am still on hold so I call back. Get someone else who explains in the least simple terms that our "system" was set up to go to 2 different "centers"--which isn't really possible--we'll have to put a work order in and best case scenario the problem will be fixed tuesday, worst case wednesday. As far as I'm concerned these are both worse case scenarios as we're now doing roughly a 1/3 of our business in credit card sales. No amount of please or managerial requests or threatening language will get this expedited any sooner, because "system repairs" is the only department in this giant web of ports and call centers and terminals that actually takes a weekend.

I am on the phone with Customer Care and Tech Support, Sunday and Monday, being assured that this repair is high priority, will be expedited as soon as possible, I have been tagged. In the meantime we beg for cash or checks and extend credit to our regulars, and apologize a lot.

So now it's Tuesday, "best case scenario" day and I'm ready to have this problem solved or exact my revenge on Tech Support. I call, stay on hold, I dowload. It works. It seems to work. I think it works, until we process a card and the statement reads "no way Jose" or "Cannot process" or something--back on the phone with TECH SUPPORT I am told by a brand new voice that I was not set up properly and they'll have to do a "system repair" another 24-48 hours. At this point it is also lunch so I am yelling at someone on my cell-phone, making tuna melts and wrapping turkey sandwiches and giving the "I'm so sorry!" pout to all customers handing Jeff their debit cards. I request a manager--and I'm on hold so long I am about to give up when a the voice of a no-nonsense woman gets on the line. She doesn't give me time to tell her of all the tresspasses put upon me in the last 4 days, she walks me through a brand new download, and then another, different download (downloads, in this case, consist of you scrolling through commands and typing codes into the machine, and I think I could now probably do it in my sleep.) Download Complete. Reboot. Softpay. Credit or Debit? Sign here please.

Sigh. Well, this little rant just saved about 15 people from having to hear this in order to get an americano and good morning sandwich. At least you the reader can click an arrow and be on your way.