Warren

Warren is the eighty-something year old man who keeps an office in the building upstairs of Half & Half. You would recognize him immediately because he always wears the same outfit: sneakers, light blue dungarees, blue button-down, royal blue Detroit Lions windbreaker and a Detroit Lions baseball cap. I have never seen him in anything else, and he's been on the block since time began. He drives a light blue sedan, so now that I think about it, he is either completely dedicated to the colors royal and light blue, or else there is some kind of tie-in with professional sports in Detroit. The legend is, when he finally retired, Warren's wife got so fed up with him hanging around their house, she kicked him out during the hours he used to work. So now he just rents an office at 917 SW Oak.

Warren gets a small cup of coffee every time he goes to the office. Very occasionally he will have a tuna melt for lunch. We girls are all in love with him, so we subtly position ourselves at the counter when we see him coming. "Hello, Dear!" is his greeting to the ladies, and for Jeff it's "How ya doin', ol' buddy!" We might remark on the weather outside, or what kind of day we're having: "Couldn't ask for a nicer day!"--And yet I so often do. What am I missing, Warren?

A 4-second exchange with Warren makes you feel good as kisses from a puppy but if you really want to get in his inner circle, I suggest you brush up on your football, particularly the football played by the Detroit Lions. Jeff, much to my dismay, loves professional sports. And while I can't abide watching it or having it as the soundtrack of a weekend at home, I love listening to Jeff and Warren talk about their football. It makes me feel five again, listening to elders extol the victories and denounce the failures of teams as if there was something important at stake. If only Warren was up there watching Days Of Our Lives, we would really have something to discuss.