July 18, 2004
Guest Writer: Marianna Ritchey
Greatest Band of All Timesville, Population: Led Zeppelin
(My greatest friend is moving away tomorrow. It makes me sad but we will still be great friends and she will better her life. It is an amazing honor to have her amazing writing on this website I call home. God bless Marianna Ritchey.)
I have known Led Zeppelin was the greatest band of all time for about 3 years, though my relationship with them stretches all the way back to the late eighties, when I was given a cassette copy of "Houses of the Holy" for Christmas in 7th grade. That album, along with Bob Marley's "Legend," blew my mind for a full year, until I lost it in the great Boarding School Move of 1991. After that, Zep didn't resurface in my life until senior year, when I realized that I should have lost my virginity to "IV," rather than to some terrible Jimmy Buffet album.
It's hard to put your finger on the essence of what makes Led Zeppelin the greatest band of all time. Is it the musicianship? Sure, each member is almost preternaturally gifted at playing their instrument; from the brainy reclusiveness of John Paul Jones to the outrageous, hairy, tank-topped and mindfucking power of the late John Bonham to the gentle vibe control of golden-maned Robert Plant to the life-altering brilliance of silent and hostile Jimmy Page, of whom Katy Davidson once said, "thinking about him sitting in his room writing those riffs makes me literally cry," no one could argue that Led Zeppelin doesn't showcase a bewildering display of technical skill. But so do a lot of bands. Eddie Van Halen once claimed he could play 164th notes, which, aside from the fact that the speed of note subdivisions is not concrete and therefore impossible to brag about (since 164th notes could conceivably be played at the rate of one per minute, for example), is a really dumb thing to say. But even if it were true, and not dumb--that's not special. It's sure as hell not enough to make something The Greatest Of All Time. Think of it this way: I type 117 words per minute. That's pretty goddamn fast. But does it make me the greatest WRITER of all time? No. No, it doesn't. So it must be something else that makes Led Zeppelin better than all other bands in this or any other century.
Is it the songwriting? Sure, it's good. It's VERY good. For a band which relied so heavily on sexual innuendo, alcohol abuse obtuse JRR Tolkien references and 7 minute prog songs about heaven for their lyrical content, Zep remained incredibly fresh and innovative throughout its career; constantly challenging previous conceptions of what their "sound" was; changing, progressing, moving through dirty blues to painfully long stoner jam sessions to tight, crystal-clear concept epics to all out rock and fucking roll. But lots of bands have amazing songwriting. Cat Stevens is an amazing songwriter. But he's not the Greatest Band of All Time. Hildegarde of Bingen was inspired by visitations from angels, demons, and apocalyptic visions of the fall of Lucifer--but she's not the Greatest Band of All Time. Dmitri Shostakovich wrote the "Leningrad" symphony while Nazi bombs fell all around him, but he's not the Greatest Band of All Time.
It's not popularity, either. Though it's hard to argue with the legions of wall-eyed, swaying hippies that packed Madison Square Garden during John Bonham's 20 minute drum solo in 1973, the fact remains that Motley Crue packed the Civic Auditorium in Los Angeles with thousands of screaming fans before they had recorded a single note or been approached by a single label--yet they're not the Greatest Band of All Time.
No, it's something else that makes Led Zeppelin so special. It's something else that causes the band to rise from the mere brilliance wherein so many great bands languish, that causes them to ascend, glistening, to the top of the smooth pedestal upon which they stand, alone, as The Greatest Band Of All Time. And it's something I find impossible to explain.
My friend Adam Forkner and I share this love of Led Zeppelin, along with an undying appreciation for Ween in a time when most of our friends claim to have "outgrown" them. Perhaps my assertion that Led Zeppelin is in fact the Greatest Band of All Time is best affirmed by the following statement, which Mr. Forkner sent to me via email:
"when i was a kid my parents went to the store and left
me alone in the house so i took out my dads zep one
record, turned the stereo up all the way and started
rocking out with a spoon for a mic and then, in the
middle of a jimmy page solo with my foot on the back
of the couch, ready to do some theatrical flip in time
with 'whole lotta love" they came back and i was
embarassed but they were mostly proud to have raised a
son who knew the meaning of rock and fucking roll."