Return to Hot Dog City: The Story of Hot Dog Bank
From March 13, 2008
I enjoy stories that illustrate that you don't have to be a jerk to get ahead in this world. Hot Dog City is an example of a post-modern society that eschews destructive competition in favor of constructive cooperation.
Hot Dog Bank lies in Hot Dog City, east of Hot Dog Square. You know when you’re walking past The Mustard Store and you see a statue of Oscar Mayer on the corner and there’s a fountain to your left? Yeah, yeah. That’s the one. Well, you take a right at the statue, walk five feet, and then Boom! you’re practically there, there at Hot Dog Bank.
Hot Dog Bank is a bank unlike any bank you’ve seen before. It’s not made of marble. It’s not made of brick. It’s barely big enough to walk in.
If you were a jerk, you’d take one look at Hot Dog Bank and say, “Hot Dog Bank is a shitty bank, and Oh, God! it smells like hot dogs.” But you’re not a jerk. I’m vouching for you. So keep an open mind.
Hot Dog Bank is where Hot Dog City stores most of its cache of meat. Inside of a drawer, inside of a box, inside of a handful of sealed plastic sleeves, lie 960 all-beef hot dogs, the entire endowment of the City of Hot Dogs, Hot Dog City’s fashionable nickname recently approved by a consortium of the city’s top brass.
A reasonable person would expect Hot Dog City to guard its hot dogs tenaciously, with a watchful eye and a terrifying arsenal of very loud and very heavy automatic weapons. But no one in Hot Dog City is like that. Here, here in Hot Dog City, one can visit Hot Dog Bank for a tour of Hot Dog Vault 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Hot Dog City is an open society. “That’s the Hot Dog Way!” we say.
.
Fort Knox is home to the United States Bullion Depository, the second largest reserve of gold bullion in the country. It houses more than 5,000 tons of gold worth more than $130 billion, which is about enough money to change your life for the better.
But guess what.
You can’t go there and withdraw any of it!
Because the government won’t let you!
And so the money just sits there and rots, which would be a horrible fate for a hot dog if Hot Dog Bank were as stingy. Which it’s not!
At Hot Dog Bank you can always make a withdrawal. One hot dog. Two hot dogs. Three hot dogs. You name it. In fact, you can walk into any one of Hot Dog Bank’s branches today and withdraw as many hot dogs as you please. If they’re your hot dogs, originally deposited by you, you won’t ever have to pay them back. If they’re not your hot dogs, if someone else first deposited them, you probably still won’t have to pay them back. Just be cool and say good things about hot dogs, and it's almost a given that you and the bank can call it even. It’s that easy!
And yet it wasn’t always so.
There was a time when the City of Hot Dogs was struggling, and a run on the bank seemed ready to finish it. Folks preferred to keep their hot dogs close at hand, where they could see them -- in a coffee can, under a mattress, framed maybe. None of it was any good for the hot dogs.
And then one day over hot dogs, two men had a notion. They were two of the biggest holders of hot dogs the city had ever known.
"My hot dogs are no good if I don't use them for something," said the first man. "What if we take our hot dogs and put them in the bank to show folks that we have confidence in the system? I think such a move may be needed right now."
"I can afford to lose my hot dogs," said the other. "I've had none before. I could have none again."
"The future of this city very likely hinges upon what we decide here today," said the first man. "So, we agree? We'll endeavor to save The City of Hot Dogs, this town whose foundation was built upon meat?"
The men shook hands in agreement.
"Confidence is contagious," coaching legend Vince Lombardi is quoted as saying. "And so is lack of confidence." So when the first great load of hot dogs was ready for deposit on a sunny day in June many years ago, it was by no accident they were carried high in the air and through the front door, in great big boxes with great big labels on them, for all to see and draw hope and inspiration from.
It was a stunning act of sacrifice and philanthropy at a time when fear and inertia seemed perfectly reasonable. It was historic and pivotal, and its success proved immediate. Morning papers told the story of the fateful deposit, and those who could read them told those who could not. Word of the news spread quickly through town.
By mid-morning, a small line had formed outside of the bank for deposits, and by mid-afternoon the line had grown and snaked around the corner. A thick smell of hot dogs had even set upon the air as folks around town began to unearth theirs -- dusty, dry, and slightly worse for the wear, they were hot dogs nonetheless. The great fear that sparked the run on the bank had been lifted. The bank's vaults soon swelled. Reserve ratios could finally be met. A city had been saved.
Hot Dog City has always been a town that pulls together, and we're closer now for all that we've been through. You won't find any statues here of the men who saved our city, but their spirit lives in everything we do. To those two men, we say sincerely: This city of ours is itself a memorial to you.
<< | Posted on March 13, 2008 at 11:58 AM |
Eerie comparisons to the Bear Sterns bailout, but published before it happened.
Bank = Bear
2 Men = JP Morgan and the NY Fed
How did he know?
Posted by @ March 18, 2008 7:43 AM
AS OF 17-JAN-09 HOT DIG CITY WIL NO LONGER BE HERE
YOU ARE NOW FUCK
CHEEP ASS WENT THOUGH
CHEAP-DOMAINS TO GET THIS HOT DIG BANK
AS FAR AS RED HOST
SAY GOOD BYE
Posted by THE GRONCH @ March 20, 2008 6:41 AM
Don't go near it or as my brother says, "What a kerfuffle!"
Posted by Mandy Pipkin @ March 20, 2008 7:14 AM
Do they have snakes in Hot Dog city? Or Hamsters?
Posted by Intrepid Traveller @ March 20, 2008 10:43 AM
To Whom it May Concern,
I am recently out of a job (In India) and would like to apply for the position of Mayor of Hot Dog City. As a former janitor (Atlantic City High 86 - 04) I know about cleaning up the streets. Also, my expirience running a tribe of pygmies in the Brazilain Rain Forest (May 05 - Oct 05)certainly gives me a leg up dealing with the little people in town. I have also been a unwilling victim of space travel, so I am interested in taking Hot Dog City's Bank intergalatic. I think I would be an outstanding mayor, out standing in Hot Dog City. Thank you for your consideration. I can be reached (in India currently) at 040-27668593
- Mr Dooley, your future Mayor
Posted by Dr. Dooley @ March 20, 2008 10:52 AM
I thought the hot dog bank was a bank of a river, just made of hot dogs. Really, I did. I had to read the thing like three times. What a fool. Whaler give Eater X some props for 08! Please tell me he's in the new Speed Racer movie with his brother. That would be so cool!
Posted by Not smarter than a fifth grader @ March 20, 2008 10:55 AM
Please refrain from posting anything about Alfalfafield 1-17-09. Millions of marketing and publicity dollars are at stake. Thank you. Where my Trekkers at?
Posted by JJ Abrums @ March 21, 2008 7:28 AM
I have been retained, that is put on retainer, not the one you put in your mouth - oh dag it. Some movie rival movie studio wants to throw a wet blanket on this whole 1-17-09 thingamagig. So to be forewarned is to be...I can't remember. I'm on the case, but don't think I'm going to let this bunk frog venom case just hop away. I'll multitask this one to kingdom come. Hup Hup
Posted by Gumshoe LaChance @ March 24, 2008 1:07 PM
Slipped on hot dog skin, just trying to dance. This is a set back to say the least.
Posted by dancing fool @ March 25, 2008 1:11 PM
Let it be known that at 10:07 the alfalfafield monster has started his preliminary attack. Oz Pipkin is helpless as the communication site is down. This is only the beginning. 1-17-09. It's coming.
Posted by I warned you @ March 26, 2008 7:10 AM
Well now see here, dem boys is onto sumin' that is fer sure. There's a new detective in town, and its me. Private Dick Interweb and I been noticin' that you a-non-no-mouses keep playing both sides against the others and gettin what? Diddly. Course, der is that one fella who mentioned Indy, but not with the right person attatched. You wanna find the great and powerful Oz Pipkin, well Indy might be your city due to a little lady who sure can dang it eat them eggs, don't forget Oz used to love the ladies, exclusively, ya know. Might be the whatchamacallit, the starting line for it all. Least the idea to lunch them site. Me, I'm on the case, but I'm a lazy. I'd rather sit here and play solitaire on the com'uter. Ain't that a knee slapper. Solitaire.
Posted by Private Dick Interweb @ March 27, 2008 7:09 AM
I know you Dick...or at least I know the shape of your jib. You are a louse to say the least. Your methods are shoddy and unprofessional. Thusly, I challenge thee to a duel! (I am suplimenting my private detective work with a role in the community theater presentation of Romeo and Juliet). I say thee, let's have a detective off. Not to out mask the mysterious Oz Pikin, but first a little teaser. Who can locate the Shrimper first, that is thee wager. What says you? Accept? Ask me tomorrow and you will find me a grave man Dickie Interweb, but today I challenge thee. The sword is heavier than the pen, but the mind of a true Sherlock Homles is the mightest still. I've named the bet, you name the wager...or are you squab?
Posted by Gumshoe LaChance @ April 2, 2008 1:02 PM
anybody remember the hype around Y2K? alfalfa field or 11709 whatever is the same thing. i think we know who the fool is
Posted by Not so much warning @ April 3, 2008 7:54 AM
http://www.yelp.com/topic/new-york-is-there-such-a-thing-as-a-falafel-eating-contest-
falfafield is sooner than you think
Posted by anoniemouse @ April 3, 2008 7:57 AM
LaChance you are a rapscallion. Git it on. I smells a bet. Prepare to meet your melody maker, sandbag! You don messin with Long Dick Interweb - no dickie, but my case stickie. Patoot!
Posted by Dick Interweb @ April 4, 2008 1:40 PM
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As long as they can handle a recession come qualifier season.
Posted by Liz @ March 14, 2008 2:16 PM