Welcome to my website, a tribute to competitive eating's Eater X, Tim Janus. Here you'll find a combination of frivolous news, rumor and speculation, and creative writings about Eater X, whaling, and all things maritime. The website is simple and bareboned, a reflection of my humble whaling background, and the template is brown, like the parchment upon which any true whaler writes. To contact me, place a message inside of a bottle and drop it into the ocean, or call the IFOCE.

I like ships, big ones in particular, I'm quick with a length of rope, I have strong sea legs, and I stink of rum and sweat.

March 3, 2008:
The Krachie Papers, Part 1

February 14, 2008:
How To: Make Envious the Object of Your Unrequited Love

February 14, 2007:
Please Help Eater X's Mom.

February 5, 2007:
Excuse Me?

November 27, 2006:
Hypocrisy

November 10, 2006:
The Whaler Reviews a Restaurant

October 15, 2006:
The Krystal Squareoff: Jackson, MS

October 9, 2006:
A Plaintive Whale, er, Wail from Eater X

October 3, 2006:
A Play

August 9, 2006:
The Seven Days of Creation

March 2008

February 2008

February 2007

November 2006

October 2006

August 2006

June 2006

May 2006

April 2006

March 2006

February 2006

January 2006

December 2005

November 2005

How To: Make Envious the Object of Your Unrequited Love

From February 14, 2008

From: timjanus@yahoo.com
To: sallybutterworthtaylor@hotmail.com
Subject: Valentine's Day
Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:29:13 +0000

I don't know if you were planning on doing anything special for me for Valentine's Day, but I want you to know that my mom and my dad and my grandma have already asked me to be their Valentine.

And I've accepted.

I'm sorry.

<< | Posted on February 14, 2008 at 9:11 AM | >>

Comments (3):

I don’t care about that troublesome Kumar Manoj anymore. I’ve got bigger fish to fry (actually today we are having Nan and Ham sandwiches). I don’t know how he got into the conference room, but there is an old guy named Mr. Dooley. He is currently tied up with a giant red ribbon in a soggy cardboard heartshaped box. We didn’t tie him up, he just won’t unwrap himself. He just appeared on Feb 14th and believe you me, we need the conference room (for the Tikoo Account Meeting). He has offered only two things to us (in response to our, “How did you get here and why inquiry). He has given us two pieces of paper. One is his resume which lists that most currently he was the leader of a village of Braziallian pygmies. Prior to that, circa 1996 he was the janitor at Atlantic City High School. Under special talents he lists the Tuba and bird watching. The second piece of paper was a scrawled note (written by crayon on cardboard) that simply says, “You tell that doofus Chiniski that of course the school wasn’t torn down. It was blown up on 2006 New Year’s Eve in the Shrimper time travel breakout attempt. And the school was there in 2006 despite being blown up in 1996 due to the ten year flux capacitor that those time travel nerds invented. Hells, I don’t understand it neither, but if you have to, go watch “Donnie Darko” and that splains it all. Also that crazy Shrimper is not too good with geography and that wise he always blathering on bout da Island of Atlantic City. Last I heard Shrimper was in Cuba dropping off Castro Intestinal who said he was gonna go undercover and get Fidel to step down. All Castro Intestinal care about is starting his own hurry eatin’ organization. All them folk is mad crazy and I’m glad to be off the boat. The guy with missing forearm was nice.”
As Vice President I have to make a decision to either commit Dr. Dooley to the proper mental care facility or possibly hire him (he has a very strong resume). I will let you know. Off to a meeting.

Posted by VEEP FROM LAKSHADWEEP @ February 21, 2008 9:28 AM

looks like the time to start dancing again is now...look at me I'm a dancing fool

Posted by dancing fool @ February 21, 2008 9:29 AM

Pulled a hammy. I'm out.

Posted by dancing fool @ February 21, 2008 9:31 AM

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