A Plaintive Whale, er, Wail from Eater X
Fact is I'll publish anything that Eater X writes. Even it is about Bo Bice again.
Fact: I hate Bo Bice.
Fact: You should hate Bo Bice.
Fact: Bo Bice’s music causes more deaths each year than cancer, car accidents, and AIDS combined.
And now Bo Bice is on the move, invading another arena, and it's not even a civic center. Bo Bice has entered the world of competitive eating, which makes me wish to suffer urges contrary to swallowing.
Why?!?
What did I do?!?
I’ll make it right, God. I swear!
In Texas, in Dallas, in two concentric areas of land that I loathe, Bo Bice made his competitive eating debut last week in the State Fair of Texas’s Corny Dog Eating Contest. I don't know how well he did, and I'm not even gonna try to find out. I think I'd have to watch a video of the contest. I think I'd have to watch Bo throw his hair around haphazardly. (Shaking my head) I don't need the anguish. Enough things keep me up at night already. Those results? They're dead to me.
The IFOCE used to sanction the corny dog eating contest in Texas, but it doesn’t do so anymore. I surmised once that corny dogs are so similar in nature to hot dogs that the IFOCE’s sponsorship made the Nathan’s folks uneasy. I imagined Nathan’s CEO Wayne Norbitz calling IFOCE Chairman George Shea on the telephone.
“Operator!" I imagined Wayne screeching. "Get me George Shea!" I imagined her patching him through immediately.
"George here." I imagined George saying.
And then I imagined Wayne begging George not to sanction the corny dog eating contest anymore. I imagined Wayne saying "please" and "pretty please" a dozen times each. I imagined it made George think of Wayne as a candy ass. "How in the world," I imagined George thinking, "did Wayne ever get ahead in this life?!?" It was a rhetorical question. (George doesn't have time to answer silly questions like that. He hires people to do it for him.)
And then I imagined George stopping to consider Wayne's request. I imagined George imagining traveling to Texas and not liking the thought one bit. I imagined George frowning. And then I imagined his answer. "Aw, Wayne, Geez! If it means that much to you, I won't." I imagined George whining completely insincerely as he said it so that Wayne would think he'd owe George one. It seemed like a very good strategy on George's part.
That’s what I used to think.
Until last week.
But I know better now: George Shea hates Bo Bice too, which is why he won't sanction the corny dog contest.
I have no idea if Bo Bice harbors eating aspirations grander than his brief fling with corny dogs in Texas. I hope to God that he doesn’t. But the thought that he does and might some day show up and eat next to me has turned me into a man I can't recognize anymore.
Bo, I never thought the day would come when I’d beg you: Please don’t quit your day job.
If Bo Bice continues, I will try out for "Old American Idol"
it looks like the competitive eating didn't work out for bo bice. he just had to have emergency surgery on his intestines.
You should see my brother, Horny Dog around Bo Bice
I was previously unaware of this Bo Bice of whom you speak. However, a short Google later I have drawn the following conclusion. He needs 1) a perm and 2) more syllables in his name.
There is a place for celebrity eating on television. I propose a reality show called "Eat or Die" (that might need a little work) in which superwaifs and size 0 "actresses" are invited to comsume a really good three-course Sunday lunch. Should they fail to complete it or keep it down, they have to watch their yappy little dogs thrown to sharks or have their cocaine supply cut off.
How come this box is so far below the other box. I mean the white box to the right. Shouldn't it match up to the white box to te left. I do enjoy the wallpaper though
I posted my comment and it did it! The boxes are aligned. I am a computer whiz. I will now levitate my computer and cure athletes foot online. Watch
THIS IS DONE MOSES LERMAN. JOEY CHESTAUHGT YOU ORDER BE ASHAAMED OF YURSELF FOR NOT SAYING HELLOOO TO ME AT THE NATHANS CONTEST. POX ON YOU AND ALLL YOURE ANSESTERS
The above sicko is yet another imposter in this troublesome Dan "Matthew" Lermans saga. The poor chap can't catch a break and yet blokes keep poking the stick at him. I am investigating the odd occurance of a whale/boat collision a month past. I believe it to be the work of the nefarious Shrimper and his co-hort Lawrence Lobster. I think they are secretly journeying to Atlantic City (or the Isle of Atlantic City as that nicompoop would say) to talleywack The Whaler. More later, I must smoke a fag and reflect on this
Eatfeats is down! Eatfeats is down! The good witch Glenda is dead...long live the wicked witch of the west websites. What will the future hold? Eatfeats is down! Its trenched! You can't read all about it because you can't read it...
I am in no way related to Bo Bice, but often confused due to the similarity of our names. Personally, I think he's a pansy