I have rechristened my apartment Hot Dog City because it's home to a year's supply of hot dogs at present. My address now reads:

339 (censored) St., Apt. Hot Dog City
NY, NY

You can write me there if you wish.

Hot Dog City was incorporated on May 27, and since then it's established a reputation as a thriving municipality. By all traditional measures of standard of living, Hot Dog City, as its slogan reads, is a wonderful place to live. We enjoy modest median and average incomes, we are healthy and young and good looking, our real estate market is robust, and we boast cell phone coverage that is never, ever, ever, ever spotty. But Hot Dog City is a tiny town, and as its only resident, I am lonely here. You should come and visit some time. I would give you a tour. It would be good for our relations.

"Welcome to Hot Dog City!" I'd boom from under the brim of my stovepipe hat upon seeing you approach the city limits. "Come in, come in! Hot Dog City welcomes you."

I would promptly fix you a hot dog, a Nathan's Famous Hot Dog from the year's supply of Nathan's Famous hot dogs that sits in Hot Dog City's vault.

"Can you afford this?" you'd ask uncertainly before accepting it. You'd be concerned that I were depleting a valuable municipal resource, and you might even suggest a public referendum to approve the expenditure first because that's the kind of person you are, always thoughtful and always selfless.

I'd quickly laugh off your suggestion and press the warm hot dog into your hand and tell you that Hot Dog City could more than afford to bequeath to you such a tasty gift. "Aw, shoot! We have many hot dogs here in Hot Dog City. It's what we're known for. It's how we got our name. When you came here today, Hot Dog City boasted a hot dog supply of 480 hot dogs. Now, sure, we don't have as many hot dogs as we did during our heyday last night. But fear not!" And I'd clap my hands together once before resuming my thought impassionedly. "Hot Dog City isn't going anywhere. In fact, our future is bright. In 10 short months, another shipment of hot dogs will arrive at our port, and in the meantime these hot dogs will carry us through. Would you like another?"

You'd say yes, and I'd hand you another famous Nathan's Famous delicious Hot Dog City hot dog. And then I'd resume the tour.

I'd show you the botanical gardens, which are fake and downstairs from Hot Dog City's main drag. I'd point to the reservoir to the north, to the commissary to the northwest, and to the recreation center to the east, all of which are open to residents of Hot Dog City 24 hours a day. I'd show you the public restroom, which is clean and doesn't cost a nickel. "Now this should be the model for all other municipalities facing a shortage of clean, public toilets," I'd say. And then in jest I'd shout into the air to our neighboring city's mayor, "Mayor Bloomberg, are you listening?" Our tour would last a full five minutes.

With nothing left to see, you'd thank me for the tour. "Well, thank you for the tour," you'd say. "I can see that Hot Dog City is, indeed," and you'd wink, "a wonderful place to live!"

I'd smile and blush and shuffle my feet because you'd have flattered me so, and then my smile would fade away. I'd look at you forlornly, with teardrops moistening my eyes, as I'd looked upon the rest of the day prior to your arrival.

"You'll come back, won't you?" I'd ask, for the first time that day sounding lonely and vulnerable.

"When I can," you'd answer vaguely, which wouldn't be much consolation.

I'd take you to the edge of Hot Dog City and then walk to our famous vista to watch you walk away down the street. I'd lay my elbows upon the sill of the window and my head upon my hand and wave to you goodbye. I'd watch you disappear into the commotion of surrounding New York City, and then I'd look out onto your town and back in on my town, and I'd wonder why no one else wished to live with me here, here in Hot Dog City.

"I'll wait for you," I'd softly whisper, not meaning to actually speak. "I'll wait for you here in Hot Dog City, such a wonderful place to live. Such a wonderful place to live?"