And in the Thirteenth Hour the Rising Sun Shall Set?

"And in the Thirteenth Hour the Rising Sun Shall Set" is the title of a play I'm writing just in case Joey Chestnut beats Takeru Kobayashi on the Fourth of July. In case he does, I'd like to be poised to capitalize on the mania. The play is subtitled "The Joey Chestnut Story." It will be a short play, one act, because I don't have the attention span to write a second act and because even if I did, I wouldn't because I'd be too busy working on a second play, a sequel to the first, because, in the movie business at least, sequels usually make more money that their preceding installments.

The title of my play refers to the thirteenth hour of the Fourth of July, the hour during which the hot dog title is contested each year. The setting sun represents Takeru Kobayashi, who hails from Japan, the Land of Rising Sun. The original title was "And in the 13th Hour of the 185th day of the Year 2007 A.D., a Sun that Rose Six Years Ago Will Set Below the Sea: The Joey Chestnut Story," because I wanted to acknowledge that Kobayashi has dominated competitive eating without interruption since he first arrived on our shore six years ago. I opted for the shorter title because I worried that some people would forget how the longer title had begun before they'd finished reading it the first time. I didn't want them to have to go back and reread it again. I wanted to do them a favor.

The first scene opens at 12:40 PM on Coney Island on the Fourth of July. Joey Chestnut can be seen in the background in dim lighting beating Kobayashi. Eater X can be seen in the foreground, in the intense glow of three overlapping spotlights, eating far fewer hot dogs than Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi. George Shea can be seen in the middleground. He is talking. No. Wait. He is shouting. Yes! George Shea is shouting. "Tim Janus, Tim Janus, Tim Janus, Tim Janus," he cries. The play is poorly thought out.

If my play is ever made into a movie, Joey Chestnut will play Joey Chestnut. He can play himself without auditioning for the role because he's such a small part of my one-act play that it won't even matter if he can't act. No one will notice because his part doesn't require him to recite any lines. He just has to look like he's eating, which I know he can do. Eater X might play himself in the movie, but I'm not sure yet. I haven't decided. But it doesn't really matter right now anyway. We're at least a year away from casting.

If "And in the Thirteenth Hour the Rising Sun Shall Set: The Joey Chestnut Story" is ever made into a movie, I will start a profile of Eater X on imdb.com. It will go on and on and on about every nuance of his life. Doris Kearns Goodwin will write it. I will also start a profile of Joey Chestnut. It will begin, "Joey Chestnut is the world's top ranked competitive eater according to the International Federation of Competitive Eating, and he knows Tim Janus, who..." and then it will go on and on and on about every nuance of Eater X's life. I will have written the first sentence; Doris Kearns Goodwin will have written the rest. She will spare no superlative in describing Tim's impact upon the human race, the planet earth, outer space, the fifth dimension, and cancer. She will have interviewed his parents and his sister, who will bolster her assessment that Eater X is among the most important figures in modern history. She will attempt to interview Eater X for the piece, but because he is so modest and would never dream of aggrandizing himself, he will decline her request for an interview. Awe will ooze from her prose. You will wish to drink it.

Of course, none of this plan will come to pass without a victory by Joey Chestnut on the Fourth of July, which is I'm busy working on a second play too: "This is the Most Amazing Sunrise Ever. Can You Believe It? Seven years and Counting! Long Live Kobayashi."