You're Invited...

Say what?

I say, I say, you're invited to Eater X's Perm Party.

What in God's na...When?

Friday, May 12th, at 7:30 PM.

Where?

At the gayest hair salon my friends Dave and Jennifer could find, The Service Station on 8th Avenue in Chelsea.

Good Lord! Why?!?

Because I wish to answer a question that has puzzled the human mind since the Ancients roamed the earth: What happens when Eater X says, "Fuck it!" and perms his hair?

Explain.

Dave and Jennifer and I have finally broken our impasse and come to an agreement after two years of heated perm negotiations. Despair at last brought us to our senses, and for the good of everyone involved, each side sacrificed so that a deal could be made. Dave and Jennifer will pay for my perm and for two fancy dinners and for all of the drinks I can drink, and I will wear my perm, and let them pet it, without a hat for three consecutive days.

And just how tight will this perm be?

Very tight I think, though we haven't yet decided. Dave would like me to have pristine ringlets, just like the ones his grandmother wore, but Jennifer favors an "African" look. Personally? I kind of like what Dave's suggesting because if I decide to keep my perm, my hair might some day look like Michael Landon's.

So will you grow it out?

I don't know yet. If the curls are tight, I might look funny when the straight hairs reach a critical length. I'd have a bundle of curls hanging inches from my head, like broccoli upside-down.

Well, then will you cut it off?

I don't know about that either. If I were to get my hair cut the normal way, I'd have curly hairs on top and next to nothing on the sides and back. It might look fine at first, but given time it might look foolish. I drew a picture once of the worst-case scenario---long, straight hairs hanging down flat on the sides and in the back, and a crest of curly hair sitting powerfully on top---but I haven't figured out how to scan it and upload it to this site.

So then shouldn't you just shave it off?

Ugh. I don't like very short hair.

Okay, now. Back to this party. I can come to it?

Yes. You can come.

And I can bring a friend?

Sure. You can bring a couple of them.

And what can we expect?

Gabbing.

And should I bring a gift?

I would very much appreciate it.

And what if I can't come?

You can see it on Eats of Strength.