I'm disappointed. I'd hoped to eat 50.5 so that the heading of the IFOCE's press release would read, "Janus Shatters Chestnut's American Hot Dog Eating Record!!!" I blew it.

On Wednesday, the Carnegie Deli will hold its biennial pickle eating contest. Will you attend?

No. Not a chance. I've got better things to do.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like Eater X's First Annual Radio Controlled Monster Truck Rally on the sidewalk in front of my apartment. I set up a couple of ramps. I'll be selling corn dogs and sodas and beers. It's gonna be huge! But bring your ID if you plan to drink 'cause I card.

I hear you're heading to New Haven on Thursday. What's the deal?

I'm gonna break my own Doodle Burger record. Some magazine wants me to do it.

Cool. Are you gonna crush it?

I'd like to, but it depends on what Rick at The Doodle has to say. If he asks me not to kill it, I won't. He wants other guys to want to try to break it. It's good for his business.

If he says you can smash it, will you?

Yeah. I'd like for the heading of the IFOCE's press release to read, "Janus Merely Breaks Doodle Burger Record."

I think it's time to give that joke a rest. You've made your point already. You're just acting like a baby now.

I know. I know. I should. I will. Thank you.

On Thursday night, the NYPA will hold its prom at Otto's Shrunken Head on 14th Street between Avenues A and B? You're going, right?

But of course.

And will you bring a date?

No. I'll go stag.

How come?

(Squirming nervously and obviously lying) Um, because my girlfriend's at summer camp.

Are you sure about that? It sounded like you were asking me a question.

(Getting angry) Well, I wasn't!

Okay. Okay. Relax. Geez!

(Still angry) I'm fine. Next question.

Okay. Are you gonna drink at the prom?

No.

Why not?

Because the next morning I have to eat ice cream in an IFOCE-sanctioned, Goldenpalace.net-sponsored competitive eating contest.

Will you win?

Fuck you.