Paging Billy Mays

PETA's been a thorn in The Whaler's side for years. They've come to Gloucester on several occasions to burn my boats and cripple my humble whaling operation. They can't stand that I kill whales, and I can't stand that they won't let me be. We're sworn enemies now.

I try to stay abreast of PETA's plans because I need to know when they're coming to town to terrorize me again. I've bribed informants, planted moles within their organization, and monitored their chat rooms in the hope of sniffing out an impending attack and minimizing the damage they inflict upon my business. The other day while surfing the internet, my reconnaissance software uncovered a message, presumably from a high-ranking PETA official, encrypted on a page on ebay. (I was shopping for domain names at the time and thought that this listing, at $7,011,600, would make a nice addition to my collection. The part about free shipping really stood out. So did the idea that the seller prefers to be paid in British pounds; currencies fluctuate, and if I can lock in that price on a particularly strong day for the dollar, I'll be getting an even better deal.)

In the past when I've uncovered the details of an impending PETA protest that hasn't directly threatened me, I've blown it off and gone back to my business at hand. But this message, the one that I uncovered on ebay, is different. It affects Eater X, or his friends at least, and I think I owe it to him to warn them. Decoded, here's what it says:

"...we'll throw ketchup on them. It will symbolize the blood of the innocent cows they've killed and plan to eat. And it will anger the hot dog purists among them who adhere to the tenet that mustard is the only condiment that should ever adorn a hot dog. Johnson, you're in charge of buying the ketchup. Publix has a great deal on Hunt's Ketchup this week. But bring your Rewards card with you because they won't give you the discount without it. You can't keep depending upon the kindness of the strangers behind you in line to let you borrow one of their cards. I'm serious.

If we run out of ketchup, we'll throw mustard on them instead. I don't know what it will symbolize, but it will be messy. It will stain their skin and stain their clothes, and if it gets in their eyes, it will cause redness, itchiness, and mild irritation. If we're able to purchase a spicy brown mustard, the seeds in the mustard may scratch their corneas. Taylor, you're responsible for the mustard.

Let us all now pray to God and ask for his compliance that Billy Mays does not arrive to aid the competitive eaters. Like a war cry carried by a mighty wind, his speaking voice pierces the ears, chills the blood, and sends shivers down the spines of the hearty. His presence alone is among the few in this world that can derail our mission on Saturday because he carries with him Oxi Clean and Orange Glo, two stain removers so powerful on so many different surfaces that Satan himself may have conspired to unleash them upon us. Billy Mays and his cache of stain removers will embolden Saturday's eaters to stand their ground against us as our condiments rain down upon them. Let us pray, dear brothers. Let us pray for a victory swift and sweet and, in its absence, for the strength to struggle in the face of resistance with valor and resolve."

Good God!

And good luck, eaters.