Eye for an Eye: An Ode to Hammurabi

If you were to steal my milk and
Use it in your cereal because you had none,
I would steal your cat and
Lock it in my refrigerator.
If you were to buy me a new carton of milk as penance,
I might give your cat back.
Or I might give you a different cat, a slightly bigger one,
A younger one and say, "Here. I know it's not the same cat.
But there's more of this cat. It's bigger. And it's fresher!"
Just like you did with my milk.

Or maybe I'd just kill you.
Or maybe I'd cut off your hands.

If you were to eat my ice cream
And put the container back into the freezer
With less than I ever would eat,
I would cry. Oh Lord, I would cry!
If you were to do it again,
Or if an elder were to inform me he'd dreamt that you had,
I would cry again. Oh Lord, I would cry!
But for you instead of for me.

Or maybe I'd kill your first-born.
Or maybe I'd cast you into a river.

If we were to go to the movies,
And if you were to eat my last cherry Red Vine,
I would try very hard to ruin your viewing experience.
I would talk on my cell phone loudly.
I would shout to the actors on screen.
I would laugh way too long and too often
And at inappropriate times.

Or maybe I'd poke out your eyeballs.
Or maybe I'd sleep with your wife.

Yeah, that's it. I'd sleep with your wife.