A Pep Talk for The Barrick Burger, Whose Pride Has Been Wounded, and A Fiery Response to Those Who've Dissed It

I've heard from several of the eaters at last year's Barrick Burger contest that the Barrick Burger tastes like garbage. I've never eaten a Barrick Burger before to know if they're right, but I always cringe when they make their comments because I'm not one to talk behind somebody else's back. "Poor burger," I think to myself when they say those things, because I bet if the burger could hear them it'd be sad. "And poor cow whence it came," I think, because I bet if the cow could hear them it'd be really mad, er, angry. I don't know, maybe I'm too optimistic, but I like to imagine that the Barrick Burger is the best 9-lb. burger in the world!

That's right Barrick Burger: You're the best 9-lb. burger in the world!

These people who've insulted the Barrick Burger and the cow whence it came say that it's cold and dry and overcooked and that it could stand a few condiments and vegetables, anything to give it some flavor.

"But, but then it'd be a 10-lb. burger," I tell them. "It wouldn't be the best 9-lb. burger in the world anymore." I'm polite and sincere and mathematically correct when I say it, but they always look at me quizzically, as if I'm retarded or from another planet or both. And that's not the half of it!

If I'm talking to more than a few of them at once, somebody always seems to sneak behind me to poke me in the back of the head, which causes everybody else to laugh heartily and clutch their stomachs for support. Too often somebody else will suggest that I go "catch some fish or something," which makes the whole group of them laugh even harder. Sensing that the audience isn't with me, I'll say my goodbyes and leave at that point, unless they've tied my shoelaces together, which sometimes happens, and in which case I'll trip and fall and leave only after I've untied them--or if the knot's too tight, taken my shoes off entirely. Bullies!

I hope the will of the burger and the spirit of the cow will exact their revenge upon them in Vegas.

Reap what you sow, bitches!