A Bo Bice Week

January 3, 2006 6:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When there's a huge break in between eating contests, Eater X goes batty. He hand-delivered this latest entry and asked that I post it immediately. He said it was urgent, so I agreed, even though it doesn't make any sense at all. He said it represents a "journey of self," that as a kid he used to try to compel people with angry words and brute force to do what he wanted them to do, but that now because he's smarter and more patient, he cajoles them. He said it's symbolic, like an allegory, and that "Monday" doesn't literally mean Monday and that the monologue isn't directed at anyone in particular. I didn't really care. I just wanted him to take a nap and get better. "Okay," I said. "Whatever."

Monday

You like Bo Bice. You like him because you're a fag. I don't like Bo Bice. I don't like Bo Bice one bit. But you do. You like Bo Bice. You like his long hair. And what's worse, you love his music.

Tuesday

Okay. I'm sorry. I take it back. You don't like Bo Bice, and I shouldn't have said that you do. It was wrong of me. I just wanted you to like Bo Bice because I thought it would make you more interesting. But you don't like Bo Bice. I get it. You don't even know who he is. Maybe you should Google him.

Wednesday

You still don't like Bo Bice?

Nothing's changed?

But you really haven't tried to like Bo Bice. You haven't even given him a chance. Okay, you know what? I'm going to make you like Bo Bice by the time the week is out. In fact, I guarantee it. You're. Going. To. Like. Bo. Bice.

Thursday

Look at you! You look fabulous. I like your hair. Been a while since your last haircut, huh? Your hair's getting shaggy, just like Bo's.

Friday

I'm sorry I spilled that glass of red wine on your shirt. We should get that off of you immediately. I'll put it in the washer. Here, wear this shirt. It's a Bo Bice shirt. It's not much, but at least it's clean.

Wow! That Bo Bice shirt really flatters your figure.

Saturday

You know that Bo Bice shirt I loaned you yesterday? You know what? You can keep it. I don't need it. I have too many shirts already.

Sunday

I made you a CD. It's a mix. I think you'll like Track 5 a lot. It's called "U Make Me Better." But that's all I'm gonna tell you.

Monday

Yeah, sure, I can take care of your cat while you're away at the Bo Bice concert. That's gonna be some weekend. Have fun!

A Bo Bice Week

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