"Okay, so, like, what's going on here?"

Methinks it wise to explain a few things before I begin this site in earnest. But where to begin? I guess with a Q&A.

Who the heck is Eater X?

That question insults me. How could you not know the answer? Is that a rhetorical question?

I relayed that question to Eater X and he replied angrily, "Whaler, you tell that person that Eater X said, 'I know who I am. Do you know who you are?'"

"Consider it done," I answered back determinedly, knowing full-well that he was kidding.

If you must ask, here's the answer. Eater X is a top-ranked competitive eater, the International Federation of Competitive Eating's 2004 Rookie of the Year. He is the Tiramisu and Shoo Fly Pie Eating Champion of the World, the former Grilled Cheese Champion, and the first human ever to consume 30+ grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes. He is a handsome man, a kind man, and a gentleman dedicated to the constant improvement of every element of his life. Eater X dreams of one day becoming the best man he can comfortably be.

Who the heck is The Whaler?

I find this question nearly as insulting as the first. But I'll answer it.

I am Eater X's #1 fan. We share a birthday and a bond of the souls. I can be found at every event in which Eater X competes. I can also be found slumped over barstools, passed out in empty alleyways, and naked in the arms of seaport whores.

Does The Whaler kill whales?

Do chickens have lips? (Yes, they're very small.)

Does The Whaler like killing whales?

Do chickens have lips? (No, they have beaks.)

Whaling is one of the great conflicts of my life. I am a whaler at heart and a man of the sea, but it pains me deeply to kill such magnificent beasts.

Well then why do you kill them, Jerk?

Providence has endowed me with a purpose that I cannot call into question. And as I am here for a reason, so is the mighty whale.

What does Eater X look like?

He looks a lot like the guy in the picture above.

What does The Whaler look like?

About as handsome, only rougher.

Does The Whaler have any tattoos?

My forearms are covered with etchings of naked ladies.

What are The Whaler's hopes for this site?

The Whaler would like to shed new light upon competitive eating and one of its stars, Eater X. As Eater X's #1 fan, The Whaler occupies a special place in Eater X's inner circle, which at most times should enable The Whaler to bring you information that other reporters might never acquire. Eater X understands my goal and has pledged his cooperation and candor to help make The Whaler's Unofficial Eater X Fan Site "very, very nearly official."

The Whaler apologizes in advance if he inadvertently offends somebody. Sometimes The Whaler knows not what he does, for he has syphilis, "The Disease of Lovers!" and it makes him a little bit crazy.