"Is Chattanooga by the sea?"

Eater X will head to Chattanooga on Friday to compete in the Krystal Square Off, The World Hamburger Eating Championship. The Whaler will be on hand to file a full report if he can ever figure out how the heck to get there. Apparently, Chattanooga's not an island. Nor is it anywhere near the coast. Eater X isn't sailing; he's flying. The Whaler may have to as well.

On Saturday, fifteen eaters will vie for the ultra-prestigious Krystal Title. Takeru Kobayashi will be there along with a bunch of Eater X's competitive eating buddies and a couple of guys that The Whaler doesn't give a shit about. When the contest has ended and Kobayashi has eaten far too many Krystals to count, Eater X will walk the length of the table and congratulate every eater on a job well done. The Whaler, who'll be both sad and angry that Eater X hasn't won, will watch this tremendous display of sportsmanship and wonder why Eater X is wasting his breath. The Whaler will stand on the tips of his toes and shout above the tops of the heads of the people in front of him, "But they're not your pals. In private they villify you. THEY WANT TO BEAT YOU!" And then The Whaler will look to Eater X for some kind of visual cue--a wink, perhaps, or a nod--to confirm this thought. When it doesn't come, when Eater X fails even to look in The Whaler's direction, The Whaler will file this idea away until he can ask Eater X about it later that day and in private.

"Eater X," he'll say hours later in a far off corner of the Chattanooga airport as they wait to board their flight home. "Why are you friendly to everyone at these contests? Why do you treat them so well? I know that you can be selfish. I've seen it firsthand. You can't possibly care about each of them."

And Eater X will look at The Whaler through his lemonade-streaked facepaint and through the crumbs of wet hamburger bun that have caked upon his eyelashes and gently say, "Because, Whaler. This is how it's done. This is how we act. And this is how I find my peace: by treating people well when my wounded pride wants me not to."

And The Whaler will say, "Ah ha."

Coming Soon: a Krystal wrap-up, a Thanksgiving preview, and something scares The Whaler.