Chattanooga in the rearview mirror
From The Whaler's standpoint the contest was intensely disappointing. Eater X ate a measly 41 burgers, finishing sixth and breaking his heart and The Whaler's heart in the process. After the contest, The Whaler cried himself dry and then drank a gallon of water so that he could continue to cry some more. The Whaler screamed and wailed and sniffled and coughed. He grabbed a small child by her shirt collar, fell to his knees, pounded his fists against her chest and screamed, "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" The child, remarkably precocious, lectured The Whaler about life's ups and downs. She said something about tomorrow being a new day, about coming back stronger than ever before, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It struck The Whaler as condescending and cliched, so he excused himself and left.
"But wait," the child implored, waving her hand desperately at The Whaler's back. "I haven't even begun to tell you about the 12 Steps of Grieving. YOU'RE NOT READY TO GO!"
The Whaler turned his head around as he walked away. "Step 1 is rum and whip-its, right?" he shouted sarcastically and with a chortle before disappearing into the crowd.
Feeling like a failure for the first time in her young life, the little girl began to cry. (What a Pollyanna!)
On stage, Eater X felt like crying as well, except he couldn't because he's trying to act more like an adult, even though it goes completely against his nature. He smiled and signed autographs for the crowd while seething on the inside.
At the airport that evening, Eater X was swarmed by a mob of screaming women who cared not that he had lost. He gave each of them 45 minutes of what he calls "Tantric X," bringing his total for the weekend to 23 groupies satisfied. It was as prolific a display of sexual prowess as has been seen since the fall of ancient Rome. No other competitive eater was able even to approach his weekend's output.
Final Groupie Totals:
1. Eater X (23)
2. Crazy Legs Conti (9.5)
3. (tie) Joey Chestnut (0)
Sonya Thomas (0)
Takeru Kobayashi (0)
Bob Shoudt (0)
Rich Lefevre (0)
"Badlands" Booker (0)
Ron Koch (0)
Patrick Bertoletti (0)
Sam Vise (0)
Jim Reeves (0)
Loren Yarbrough (0)
Claudine Ko (0)
Hall Hunt (0)
Chip Simpson (0)
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