It’s the holidaze — time to find truth and meaning and reason to live — and we think there’s no better place to seek all of these things than in soup. So, to get ready for the Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza season Hot Knives gathered around the tree (our stove) with all of our presents (garlic and onions) and relived an important miracle story.

Like 2006 years ago — the story goes — Big Baby Jesus got a visit from three wise men from Persia. Dudes’ names were Balthasar, Melchior and Caspar. Yeah, Caspar. And these Magi, in their infinite wisdom, brought some gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Now, here’s where the story diverges because Christian conservatives will tell you that these gifts of oils and minerals were literal, however, we prefer to believe that’s figurative, metaphorical. After all, these kings were Persian Zarathustrian dark lord priests. They weren’t about to bestow this King of Kings with some fucking money and tree sap. Figurative for what then? Soup.

And because even non-Christians like us see the power of three. We give you this Holy Trinity of holiday soup shooters. Garnish with tinsel.

GOLD

Curry Cauliflower Couli

3 Tbs. vegan margarine
3 Tbs. yellow curry paste
1 head cauliflower
1 white onion
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 cups unsweetened soy milk
1 cup vegetable stock
1 carrot
1/2 lime
1 small bulb ginger

1. Heat the margarine and curry paste in a pot. Cook on high and break up the paste with a spoon. Once its distributed add the cauliflower, onion and garlic to the pot. Sauté for 10 minutes on high, then bring down to medium heat and add the liquids. Let it reach a rolling boil, then lower it to a simmer.

2. While the soup simmers, peel the carrot and ginger. Mince as small as you can or pulse in a food processor with the limejuice. Set aside.

3. Take the soup off simmer and throw it in your food processor. Pulse thoroughly so the soup is a consistent liquid with no big chunks.

4. Then put the soup through a fine colander, with a large bowl underneath, to remove cauliflower pulp. You will lose more than half the volume, but will have a rich yellow liquid. Either toss the curried cauliflower or save it for frying up as a mash or veggie burgers.

5. Serve in a shot glass with a dollop of ginger carrot salad.

FRANKINCENSE

Green Pea Leek & Whiskey

1 cup green peas, shelled (dry)
3 Tbs. olive oil
1 leek, washed and chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 shallots, minced
3 sprigs thyme
2 shots bourbon whiskey
2 cups vegetable stock
1 Tbs. white pepper
1 bay leaf

1. Put your dried peas in a bowl and soak them in ice water to revive their green color. Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Add your peas to the boiling water and let go for about 8-10 minutes or until tender. Prepare a bowl of ice water. Then remove the peas and strain in a colander, dunking immediately in ice water to cool.

2. Put your pot back on heat and add the oil, garlic, leeks, shallots and thme. Sauté for 5 minutes and then add whiskey. Let it cook off. The add your stock and spices. Let simmer for another 10-15 minutes before pulsing in a food processor. Return to heat once blended. Simmer until ready to serve.

3. Garnish with a slice of parmesan cheese (optional).

MYRRH

Beet, Dill and & Shaved Turmeric

3 red beets
1/4 cup cane sugar
3 Tbs. vegan margarine
3 cloves garlic, chopped
3 small red onions
2 cups vegetable stock
2 Tbs. turmeric powder
3 turmeric bulbs
Salt and white pepper to taste
1 cup fresh dill
1/4 cup table cream garnish (optional)

1. Start by scrubbing and peeling your beets. (Cut and save your beet greens for later use.) Bring a large pot of water to boil, tossing in the sugar. Chop your beets into chunks and throw them in once water is boiling. Cook until tender, about 10 minutes. Remove and cool.

2. Place your pot back on high heat (once emptied of beet water) and add margarine, garlic and onion. Sauté together for about 10 minutes and add the beets for the last minute. Then add your vegetable stock and bring to a boil before lowering to a simmer. Cook for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. Remove from heat and use a food processor to blend soup thoroughly. Be careful not to dye your entire countertop blood red. Then return to simmer in the pot and add turmeric powdre, white pepper and salt.

4. While soup finishes cooking, prepare the salad garnish of fresh turmeric and dill. Peel skin off fresh turmeric bulb and slice in thin strips. Toss with fresh dill. Serve soup hot with a dash of cream (vegan sour cream works too) and a sprinkling of salad garnish.

Fake meat can be one of those hot-button issues that divide a community of otherwise likeminded people into two camps — like Marilyn Manson, or the state of Israel. Some vegetarians swear by the stuff and others swear at it. And frankly we can see both sides.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty political implications of how Morning Star Farms grows its textured vegetable protein, suffice it to say that there must be worse things — both for your body and for the World — than a little soy beef and broccoli.

So when one of us got tipped off the other day (from some dude at an extreme noise show no less) about this fake meat bazaar somewhere deep in the San Fernando Valley with a vegan version of every animal part under the Sun, we had to check it out.

What we found were all the creatures of Noah’s Ark, made out of tofu. So for all you tofu casualties out there, here’s a transcript of our snacking with some warnings and recommendations.

Dried Veggie Baby Squid

Evan: It doesn’t say what’s in this one, but it’s definitely covered in a sweet syrup of some kind — a lot of salt and crunchy soy. It’d be good in a salad. Maybe compliment it with green papaya and rice wine vinegar?
Alex: To me it tastes like there’s too much fish sauce in it to be vegetarian, but the dude swore it was vegan.
Evan: It looks like worms but it tastes like…
Alex: Not squid.
Evan: Doesn’t it call itself “baby squid”?
Alex: The other night I made a weird taco with it and collard greens— that kind of ruled.

Veggie Oysters

Evan: These oysters are pretty gross looking, wrinkly and fat and covered in a skin of spices and sauce goo. This is exactly the kind of shit that you dig huh? It’s very realistic in texture and the lemongrass gives it a sea funk.
Alex: Total sea funk and you’re right I love it. The dude who made it even stuffed it with something black to make it look like an oyster. It’s great on a cracker with some generic hot sauce.
Evan: Maybe we should do vegan oyster shooters.
Alex: Absolutely not.

Veggie Deer Jerky (Spicy and Mild)

Alex: We bought two different kinds, one was a little sweeter than the other.
Evan: And yet they’re both supposedly deer jerky, which is pretty fucking specific.
Alex: The texture is intensely like jerky. You can really sink your teeth into, it’s not like plastic, which is what even shitty real jerky is like.
Evan: I think I taste tamarind.
Alex: It tastes like most Asian markets smell.
Evan: Spicy incense. Ooh I just got a tough part. Like a bone.
Alex: It is free of eggs, alcohol and Borax.
Evan: It says that?
Alex: It also has 40 grams of protein.

Veggie Turkey Loaf

Alex: It’s a whole other world from store-bought Tofurkey. It’s not as up front or as realistic in texture or flavor, which isn’t really its goal it seems like.
Evan: Its texture is more like soy cheese than meat which is kind of not that appetizing to be honest. It’s like I don’t want to eat vegetarian foie gras for the same reason, you know? But I quite like the little peppercorns in it.
Alex: That’s a bonus.
Evan: See, eating straight it lacks in comparison to something smoked and deli-thin.
Alex: But I imagine it makes a better vegetarian bahn mi, cuz it tastes less overpowering so it could compliment all the Vietnamese flavors well.

Nazi Mushroom Powder

Alex: The dude who sold it to me said that it would become my favorite seasoning, that I would put it in everything and that it would last me for a year.

We were pleased to jump through the latest hoop toward World Wide Web domination last week when the Urban Honking intelligentsia suggested we accept a cooking challenge: Prepare a fancy pants, vegetarian feast for three L.A.-based Ur-Ho bloggaz. The catch? The meal was to cost $40 and no more.

You know that saying about not being able to take the heat, something, something… We said “Fuck yeah, we’re in!”

So last Sunday we had the distinct pleasure of hanging out with AC, Starr and Ritchey and cooking them what we considered to be a top-notch, mostly vegan meal. The only wrench in the proverbial gears was that Starr brought a friend, so our budget got a bit of an ass kicking (Full disclosure: We spent $42.50 on a four-person meal. And we think it’s only fair.) But, as it turned out, that friend was also a food freak and former cook in his own right so it was even radder. We also whipped up a last minute desert from scratch that wasn’t included—a pear and pomegranate reduction Pop-Tart.

Now, you can read the kind, kind praise over at “Regarding” from Ritchey or you can see it all unfold in the video footage. But we think the most useful part of the evening is that all four courses got a thumbs-up, so we’ve reproduced the recipes here for your home improvisation. Have at it!

Cornmeal Fried Yucca & Ginger Beans

Fried Yucca
1 large yucca root
1 cup cornmeal
1/2 cup un-sweetened soy milk
salt and pepper to taste
2 cups canola oil

Cilantro Mayo
1/2 cup cilantro leaves
1 cup veganaise
2 Tbs. yellow or grain mustard
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
4 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1 Tbs. tumeric
salt and pepper to taste

Ginger Black Beans
1 can black beans
1 bulb ginger, peeled and chopped
1 Tbs. all spice powder
2 Tbs. canola oil

1. Take a peeler to your yucca, making sure to remove all of the brown skin. Then slice the root in half for easy boiling. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil and toss in the yucca. Let it boil for 10-12 minutes, removing as soon as it’s soft enough that a fork can easily puncture it. Drain, rinse with cold water and set aside to cool.

2. To make the cilantro mayo, combine all ingredients in a food processor or beat thoroughly by hand and serve in a bowl.

3. To make the accompanying ginger beans, heat 2 Tbs. of oil in a pot, add ginger and all spice. Open a can of black beans and add them to the pot, bean liquid included. Let simmer for 30 minutes.

4. Once cool, slice the yucca halves into quarters and then into 3 or 4-inch long pieces, the size of a steak fry.

5. In a large bowl mix all other ingredients. The mixture should be gloopy like pancake batter, add more soymilk or an egg (optional) for desired texture.

6. Heat a large skillet or wok filled with canola oil. Batter your yucca pieces and drop them in once oil is sizzling hot. Watch carefully and flip sides, removing the pieces when brown or after approximately 1-2 minutes. Briefly pat dry with paper towels.

7. Serve yucca sticks upright in a bowl atop beans.

Shaved Fennel Ice Salad

1 bunch arugala
1 head frisee wild lettuce
1 small basket yellow cherry tomatoes
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
6 large shallots, peeled and minced
6 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 large fennel bulb
3 Tbs. moscato wine vinegar or a nicer sherry vinegar
1 Tbs. grain mustard

1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Trim the arugala and frisee of any unsightly sprigs, place them in a bowl and cover with water and ice cubes both to wash and chill. Let sit while you prepare the rest.

3. In a shallow pan, place the tomatoes and top with half the olive oil, garlic and half the shallots. Season to taste. Let roast for about 10 minutes or until they lose all structure. Remove and set aside.

4. Slice the fennel bulb thin and on an angle either using a knife or a mandolin (if you have one you’re a hard-ass) and then sautee the fennel in a pan with some olive oil. While this is cooking, about 4-5 minutes, plate your cool leafy greens in a pile on each plate.

5. Toss your lukewarm tomato confit, oil and all, with a sweet vinegar of your choice. We used moscato wine vinegar but an aged sherry would work well. This will be your dressing so season to taste and add a dash of mustard.

6. Top the salad with a heaping pile of steaming fennel and lightly cover with tomatoes and dressing.

Chimay Onion Soup

2 Tbs. olive oil
3 Tbs. butter, or margarine
6 white onions, sliced
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 clove garlic, whole
4 shallots, minced
1 750 ml bottle of Chimay Grande Reserve
2 cups vegetable broth
2 Tbs. thyme
4 bay leaves
2 Tbs brewers yeast
salt and pepper to taste
1 slice sourdough bread
1 small chunk aged white cheddar

1. Combine the olive oil and butter in a large saucepan on medium heat. Once bubbling, add the onions and cook until they begin to be transparent. Add the garlic and shallots and continue stirring frequently, until the onions begin to turn brown.

2. Add enough beer to cover the onions by about 1,” and bring to a boil. Lower the head to medium and cook until the beer has reduced by half.
(approx. another 10 minutes).

3. Add the broth, herbs and spices. Cover with a lid and let simmer
for about 30 minutes.

4. Preheat your oven to broil.

5. Toast the sourdough in your toaster until it is nice and brown. Take the whole peeled clove of garlic and rub vigorously against the toast. Rub both sides until the garlic is virtually gone. Cut the bread into squares that will fit into whatever vessel you will serve your soup in. Grate your cheddar.

6. Ladle bowls of piping hot soup, throw a piece of garlic toast on each, then generously sprinkle your cheese on top of that. Place your bowls (carefully now) in the oven to broil the cheesy crouton tops until they are bubbling and brown. Serve with a dollop of grain mustard if desired.

Seitan Diane w/ purple potatoes and brussell sprouts

Seitan Diane (baking time is 2 hours)
1.5 cup gluten flour
3/4 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1/3 cup brewers yeas
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp grond sage
1 tsp grond ginger
1 tsp smoked salt
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp pepper flakes
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp garlic powder
2 cups water
¼ cup canola oil
¼ cup soy sauce
You will need wax paper or parchment paper for this dude.

1. Start by preheating your oven to 350. Now dig through your pots and pans and find a larger casserole dish and a bread loaf pan. Cover the inside of the bread pan with wax paper or parchment and drizzle 1 Tbs of olive oil to lubricate the paper. Fill the casserole dish ½ full with water, and place the bread pan in the center to create a double boiler.

2. Combine all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl. Combine all the liquid ingredients together in another large bowl and whisk to blend. Now add the wet to the dry and mix until you have a thick sticky batter, which should happen almost immediately. Dump the batter into the bread pan bains marie (the fancy way to say double boiler), cover the top of the bread pan with aluminum foil and cram in your oven.

3. Bake for two hours. When your timer goes off, yes you should’ve set one, carefully remove the aluminum foil, and pull the loaf out by gently tlfting the wax paper. Carefully peel off the wax paper.

For Steak Seasoning:
1 Tsp. sugar
2 Tsp. salt
2 Tsp. ground black pepper
1 Tsp. fennel seeds
1 Tsp. dry thyme
1 Tsp. celery seeds
3 Tbs. Honey

1. Grind all the spices, sugar and salt together with a mortar and pestle, or on a cutting board with a rolling pin. Slice the now cool Seitan widthwise into 1.5” thick slices. Rub both faces of each slice with honey and press into the spice mixture to coat.

For Sauce:
2 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1⁄4 cup balsamic vinegar
3 Tbs. maple syrup
4 large shallots diced
2 Tbs. mustard
1⁄4 cup vegetable stock
2 Tbs. cornstarch
4 Tbs. fresh tarragon
1 Tbs. salt
1 Tbs. ground pepper

1. Heat a medium saucepan on high heat, then add the olive oil and let it heat for two minutes before adding the seitan. Press each slice face down until it is nice and caramelized, about one minute per side. When both sides have been seared, place the Seitan on an oven safe plate and place in your still worm oven.

2. Immediately add the balsamic vinegar, and the maple syrup to your sauté pan. As it reduces, scrape the bottom of the pan to loosen any spices left over from the seitan. Wait about 2 minutes and add the shallots and the mustard. Make a slurry by mixing the cornstarch and a little bit to of the vegetable stock. Add the rest of the stock when the balsamic has reduced by half. Now mix in the tarragon, salt and pepper and the slurry. Reduce the heat to low and simmer for five minutes.

Purple pots and brussell sprouts
1 Tbs. sea salt
4 red potatoes
4 purple potatoes
4 brussell sprouts

1. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Add potatoes and brussell sprouts whole. Let blanch for 5-7 minutes and remove before noticeably tender. Rinse under cool water and remove.

2. Slice all items in half. Heat a large skillet on high and add vegan butter or olive oil. Toss in potatoes and brussell sprouts and sauté until tender. Remove and plate.

Beverage:

Peach Lambic

Soundtrack:

Trojan Records Punky Reggae Party

Pizza is a staple of our diet. With a base of bread and a pile of veggies, fruits, meats, and cheese, pizza is a literal food pyramid. While arguing over toppings defines our culture as much as arguing politics, the classic slice of cheese is the basis by which we judge one pizzeria from another. The cheese slice allows us to compare "apples to apples", rather than taking a slice of ham and pineapple and trying to compare that to pesto sauce and chicken. We eliminate all the wonderful clutter that can be a slice of pizza and just focus on the basics: crust, sauce, and cheese.

In order to make our Five Part Investigation of Portland Pizza as useful as possible, we have limited our scope to pizza that is delivered. While this does remove from the running the local favorites like Ken's Artisan Pizza, Escape From New York, and Apizza Scholls, we feel like there is much more usefulness in the best delivered pie. We've also broken down our search by quadrant to better address the places to consider when ordering pizza. Part one is North Portland.

We chose four places to call, including Pizza Hut as a representative of the national chains that can deliver anywhere. Surprisingly, we had difficulty in recalling even three places in North Portland that delivered. We chose Pizza A-Go-Go, Mississippi Pizza, and Tom's Pizza and Pub.

At 7:45 pm on a Friday night we called the four pizza places at the same time and ordered a cheese pizza. Right away we ran into some snags. Mississippi Pizza does not deliver! We quickly called Eddy's Flatiron Pizza (a favorite of North Portland residents Curt and Molly) and noted the time differential. The other problem was that Tom's Pizza and Pub had a minimum delivery order and a single cheese pizza did not meet that minimum, so we added an order of cheesy breadsticks.

After making the calls and dealing with the initial problems, we looked at the info we had so far, Delivery Estimates: Pizza Hut made a bold claim of only 28 minutes. Eddy's Flatiron Pizza said 35 to 40 minutes. Tom's Pizza was a 45 minute estimate, and Pizza A Go Go was a surprising hour to an hour and 15 minutes.

Pizza Hut

Coming in well under the 28 minute claim was Pizza Hut, arriving just 19 minutes and 42 seconds from the point at which we started to dial their number. Everyone was impressed, and a little suspicious. Were they just out there circling the neighborhoods with pizza's ready to deliver?

With seven people tasting and rating the flavor on a scale of one to ten, we had a wide variety of scores that averaged out to 4.57/10. Clearly this wasn't great pizza, but the delivery time was great.

Sarah: "I get an aftertaste of lard."
Willow: "I love the crispy-grease-salt layer at the bottom of the crust!"
Adam: "Tastes like Texas Toast."

Tom's Pizza and Pub

Also well under their own estimate of 45 minutes was Tom's Pizza and Pub, arriving in 29 minutes and 35 seconds. We were initially excited that a local pizzeria wasn't too far behind the national chain.

In the battle of flavor however, Tom's Pizza and Pub was decimated with an average score of just 2.42. Being rated so low after all we had tried was Pizza hut speaks especially poorly of this pizza. Interestingly, the extra breadsticks we had to order were much better received, but not part of this study.

Brian: "A spicy scent, but a doughy crusty flour tasting crust."
Daniel: "This is the pizza version of bad Mexican food."
Steve: "It's a little too soft, but I like the thickness of the crust."
Willow: "Sick."

Eddy's Flatiron Pizza

Eddy's Flatiron Pizza was the Babe Ruth of estimating delivery time. They told us 35 to 40 minutes and it arrived at 36 minutes and 10 seconds. Respect.

Unfortunately, that was the last bit of respect Eddy's would be getting for the night, gaining only a 3.2 out of ten in the category of taste. While not the worst pizza of the night, it's still in the Very Bad category.

Steve: "The thin crust and square cut is novel, but it's too salty."
Adam: "Has the weirdest texture, a hard bottom and soft top. The flavor is salty and citrus."
Willow: "Very, very salty. The crust is like dust and the cheese is more sticky than anything else."

Pizza A Go Go

Pizza A Go Go? More like Pizza A No Show. While the pizza was within their estimated time frame of an hour to an hour and 15 minutes, waiting an hour and 13 minutes is just much too long to wait.

Personally I wasn't too surprised to find that Pizza A Go Go won in the flavor category, but I was surprised that they only barely beat out Pizza Hut with a 4.71 our of 10 rating. Clearly North Portland has a lot to learn about pizza.

Daniel: "This pizza is cold."
Brian: "The crust is toasted to the supreme, but there is a carbon flavor..."
Sarah: "Pleasantly oily, like olive oil instead of lard."

Additional Data

While a delivered pizza should be judged on taste and time, it's interesting to compare that data with some other numbers. By measuring several slices we determined the average weight of a slice from each pizzeria, and then based on the price determined the cost per ounce.

Pizzeria	Taste	Cost	Size	Weight (Slice)	Speed
Pizza A Go Go	4.71/10	$0.48/oz	19"	4.25oz	73m
Pizza Hut	4.45/10	$0.59/oz	10"	2.8oz	20m
Eddy's Flatiron Pizza	3.2/10	$0.37/oz	14"	4.6oz*	36m
Tom's Pizza and Pub	2.42/10	$0.34/oz	13.5"	6.35oz	30m

(*Eddy's pizza was cut into 16 smaller squares, so we used two squares to make one slice)

Conclusion

North Portland has some of the best food in Portland, and so it's with disappointment that we can recommend no pizza for delivery in this quadrant. I'm sure that people will attempt to refute our findings and we welcome the discourse, because it's a sad day when the only prospects for a delivered cheese pizza rate less than 5 out of 10. It is my hope that we missed some secret local pizzeria that is making great pizza and delivering it under an hour.

Next Up: The Northwest Quadrant, including local favorite Hot Lips and the haunted pies of Old Town Pizza.

Team North

The North Portland Pizza Tasting Team was a diverse and experienced group of pizza experts:

Steve Schroeder: "I find Personal Power through Pizza (and Tony Robbins)."
Daniel Peterson: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, eat two pizzas."
Adam Forkner: "I've never met a pizza I didn't eat."
Willow Wonder: "I love pizza."
Sarah Meadows: "The pizza! Definitely not you guys..."
Brian Slaughter: "One remains faithful to a pizza only because its toppings do not cease to be insipid."
Mike Merrill: "I eat pizza for breakfast."