In-N-Out Burger: a Nightmarish Experience The Mere Memory of Which Causes Me to Re-Evaluate Everything I Know About Humanity
By from November 29, 2004
In-N-Out Burger. For those of you who are "from" California (like myself and my lover, Mr. Peterson), the sight of In-N-Out's red neon lights and that big swoopy yellow arrow is a cause for rejoicing and regional pride. People take In-N-Out very seriously. I myself do not--for example, I'm not even sure I'm spelling it correctly with all the appropriate punctuation--however, there are times on tour when we would be with a native Californian who, with wide eyes and many ejaculatory descriptive phrases ("so fucking awesome") would take us to In-N-Out for lunch or some such. I, being as game to experiment with food as my incredibly restrictive ethical vegan diet allows, would affably sally forth on these little excursions, sharing with Jona an enthusiasm for the famed "grilled cheese without the cheese with animal sauce" menu item which is not actually featured on the menu.
Mr. Peterson and I, being exhausted and hungry after our whirlwind Thanksgiving trip to Portland, were headed back to our home in Santa Cruz last night. I had been talking up the "animal style cheeseless grilled cheese" for a few hours, and when we saw that first cartoony neon arrow, Andrew pulled off the freeway. Making haste, we entered the In-N-Out to find what I can only describe as "a melee of Vietnam-era proportions." At least 68 people were staffed, running hither and thither behind the counter, sweating copiously, and yelling things at each other such as, "LETTUCE! GIVE IT TO ME!" and "FRIES! FRIES! FRIES!" There was a manager rushing back and forth, pointing, clapping, cheering people on, sending people on their breaks. It was reminiscent of what I fantasize an Emergency operation room must be like on New Year's Eve in Detroit. "GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!"
I ordered our animal style cheeseless grilled cheeses from the aggressively energetic, sweating young man whose turn it was to "take the counter." He was confused by my order, but I thought we cleared it up. Nay, my friends. Nay. When our number was called, we retrieved our paper-clad food items and found, upon walking out to the car, that we had been served not an animal style cheeseless grilled cheese, what with the pickles and the condiments and the special sauce and the fancy bun. We had been served rather a "vertiable lettuce sandwich." This was a piece of lettuce enclosing a giant glob of condiments and a few pickles. Literally.
"What is this?" Mr. Peterson cried, "this is what you've been talking about?"
Shocked and chagrined, I tried to play it off. "I think it's good," I said."
"Who would EAT this?" yelled my lover, "even VEGANS wouldn't eat this!"
We finally realized that we had been given In-N-Out's psychotic Atkins menu item, without the meat or cheese. A bunless burger with no burger, if you will.
It was.....disgusting.
The lettuce was freezing cold. The huge mouthfulls of condiments were equally chilly, but the pickles were warm. Giant runnels of ketchup and animal sauce squirted out of the various imperfections in the lettuce and filled the palm of my hand with sticky wretchedness. The lettuce itself, far from being an adequate replacement for some type of "bun" or "hamburger bun" or "buns," was rather more akin to a frigid sheet of cardboard: thin, substanceless, tasteless.
Morally offended on every conceivable level, we threw our refuse in the refuse receptacle, got in the car, and screeched back onto the freeway. Mr. Peterson announced that he would never again go to In-N-Out burger.
And, to the future shock and loss of respect incurred from friends such as Dave Kolek, I must concur.
In-N-Out Burger: YOU BLEW IT.
![innoutburge[1].jpg](http://www.urbanhonking.com/digest/archives/innoutburge[1].jpg)
<< | Posted on November 29, 2004 at 10:38 AM | >>
I too am surprised. I thought it was going to be biting into an uncooked patty and having animal juice running down your face as you forced yourself to vomit. This is actually pretty mellow.
Was it crazy busy because everyone was going home after the holidays?
Posted by Mikey @ November 29, 2004 3:42 PM
to all who are surprised by the insignificance of my nightmarish experience: you weren't there. the lettuce was so cold...so cold...
Posted by ritchey @ November 29, 2004 4:52 PM
You, Marianna, are quite funny.
remember when McD's had the McDLT where they kept the lettuce and tomato seperate from the patty in a two sided container. So the crisp stays cold and the beef stays hot. COOL CRISP LT, HOT BEEFY MCD. PEOPLE WANT COLD LETTUCE.
Posted by Steve Schroeder @ November 29, 2004 5:46 PM
I concur in whole with my esteemed colleague, Steve Schroeder, as to your "nightmarish" experience at In-n-Out. I appreciate the extreme disappointment of not getting what you paid for and not being understood despite repeated efforts to communicate your order. (This might be a particularly touchy subject for you given your dietary needs in an insensitive world.) At the same time, as a long-time In-N-Out connoisseur (and would-be ambassador), I never would have encouraged you to go there, ever. Even the product you actually wanted, the "grilled cheese without the cheese with animal sauce" sounds horrific. It just doesn't do the place justice. It's like going to an Eagles reunion concert and asking them to only play songs off their weak "Hell Freezes Over" reunion album, foregoing all the classics from the mid-70's. You just wouldn't do it.
Separate Sidenote: Jason Alexander, of Seinfeld fame, was in a hilarious "musical" advertisement about the McDLT back in the 80's. Imagine a younger, slimmer, more harrier Alexander cavorting on a city street, singing the praises of the McDLT.
Posted by David Kolek @ December 1, 2004 11:26 PM
Kolek,
I have that commercial on my computer. It is amazing.
Hot Beefy McD.
Cool Crisp LT.
Posted by Steve Schroeder @ December 2, 2004 1:01 AM
It's a shame that inept people always seem to blame others for their own shortcomings. If you could simply order the food the way you want it and NOT assume the professional people at In-N-Out can read you mind, you may have a pleasant experience. By the way, cold lettuce is not a bad thing. Get a life Ritchey!
Posted by Joe Marks @ January 26, 2005 4:53 PM
you're a fucking idiot.
a cheese-less grilled cheese?!
listen our menu isn't complication
burgers - doubledoubles, cheeseburgers,hamburgers
fries
shakes
secret menu=
grilled cheese
or
veggie burger
and then you make your burger or fries animal style or the burger protien style
YOU ORDERED YOUR SHIT WRONG, SO YOU GOT IT WRONG.
sorry we actually HAVE PPL WHO WORK. we're not mcdonalds were everything is pre-cooked or microwaved. WE ACTUALLY COOK.
Posted by burgers @ August 22, 2005 12:02 AM
Listen, you don't go to In-N-Out burger to get a VEGGIE DINNER. No wonder that shit blew, I don't know if you noticed but they specialize in heart attacks on a bun, not carrot sticks.
Posted by aShelteredTown @ August 31, 2005 3:46 PM
For starters, the reason the order taker was confused by your order was because you ordered it incorrectly. A grilled cheese with no cheese is known as a veggie burger (in In-N-Out lingo). Secondly, there is no such thing as "animal sauce." At INO, there are only four sauces (or variations) which can be put on your burger: spread (very similar to thousand-island dressing), ketchup, mustard, and fried mustard. Saying "animal sauce" is very confusing to the order takers because it could very well mean extra spread (which is automatically put on animals style) or extra fried mustard.
At In-N-Out, the employees strive for excellent customer service. I'm sure that had you taken the food back, they would have gladly made for you anything in place of what you got.
Posted by kriegermadchen @ September 8, 2005 11:37 PM
Ritchey,
I appologise for the inconvenience you experienced at In-N-Out. I understand it has been a while since this event took place, but I hope this message helps you on your next visit -- for I highly recommend you give In-N-Out another chance.
Why "burger" was so brutal in his message, I do not know. To be so rude is not the In-N-Out way. "The customer is always right" -- you did not get what you wanted. INO does not argue -- and yes, you would have gotten a new burger if you walked up to the counter and asked :-). INO wants you to get your order right!
Here is some information that may help you out on your next visit.
You want "a veggie burger animal style." Plain and simple.
This is a toasted bun, grilled onions, tomato, pickle, extra spread, and lettuce.
Grilled Cheese -- Cheeseburger, no meat
Veggie Burger -- Hamburger, no meat
Protein Style -- Lettuce wrapped around burger, rather than a bun (low on carbs, pretty tasty - yet not called "Atkins Burger" ;-p)
Animal Style -- Mustard fried meat patty, lettuce, tomato, pickles, extra spread, grilled onions.
Animal fries -- ;-P
What you recieved was (i assume) a veggie burger protein style & animal style. Unfortunately, that 'burger' isn't very appealing. Yes, you would recieve grilled onions, tomato, extra spread... all wrapped in crisp lettuce... not very tasty -- BUT, some people DO like it that way. The customer is entitled to however they'd like their burger, as long as INO has it ;-P.
And about the freezing cold lettuce -- INO iceberg lettuce is placed in water and ice when hand-leafed in order to preserve crispness, rather than having wilted lettuce *yuk*. Once leafed, it goes into a "pan" which is placed on the "board" area (where the burgers are dressed) atop a cooled fridge-type area. In other words, the lettuce is always crisp and cold, rather than wilted and warm *yuk again*.
As a reiteration, what you want to order is a "veggie burger, animal style." I suggest ordering with fries and a drink; Kennebeck potatoes, never frozen, fried in 100% cholesterol free cottonseed oil (no animal fat :-D - vegan approved... I know, my friend is a vegan).
I hope your next In-N-Out experience is a success in terms of communicating what you'd like, and walking away with a smile!
Thank you for your time,
Paperhat139
Posted by paperhat139 @ October 3, 2005 2:44 AM
Dude,
Your an idiot. Stick to your white linen restrauants! Rest assure, there's no In-N-Out in Santa Cruz or in West Hollywood to offend you during your travels!
paperhat139......you're too kind to this idiot!
Godbless In-N-Out Burger!
Posted by Wadester @ October 28, 2005 12:39 PM
Come on now.....it's a BURGER place.
What exactly did you expect?
Some people....
Posted by Jenn @ October 31, 2005 4:11 PM
awww, give 'em a break. I've worked in the food service industry for the past four years now (thank GOD I'm almost done with college and will be able to get a real job soon)...If it was as busy as you described, the poor guys working there were under tremendous amounts of stress. There have been times when I have crawled into the back at my restaurant and cried and refused to come back out from all the stress. One messed up order should not be reason to condemn In-N-Out forever. You should have asked them to fix it, they would have gladly done so...and they would have put you at the top of their priority list. Why not give them another chance?
Posted by Heather Hopkins @ December 12, 2005 7:09 PM
i stumbled on to this site by accident when i read about this idiot vegan complaining about the best BURGER (which, for people who are unaware, contains beef!!!!!) chain in California. you must be an idiot to stop at a place famous for burgers and expect to leave satified if you do not eat meat. go eat a freaking salad you thick skulled individual!!!
Posted by never a vegan @ December 15, 2005 11:44 PM
It's your fault for ordering crap that's not on the menu you freaks. there's a reason they don't put that crap together for normal people! you got what you asked for. Grow some balls and eat food like normal people and see what good food is.
Posted by tony @ December 21, 2005 10:57 AM
I don't think you guys should be so hard on her. It's not like all of this stuff is listed on the menu when you go into the restaurant. It's like some snobby underground thing.
Share the In N Out love!
Viva la revolution!!
You're all taking yourselves so seriously. The answers are simple.
Richey - You should have asked them to fix it. I'm sure they would have been happy to.
Everyone Else - You were an In N Out n00b yourself at one point. Don't be so hard on her. :P
In N Out - Generate more business for yourselves and avoid future confusion; add this info to the store menus.
Posted by omnivore @ April 29, 2006 4:39 PM
People - Why are you assuming ritchey is a girl? What female describes her partner as her lover? And is named ritchey? He is a vegan who decided to go to a burger joint. Very open minded although not very intelligent. The rest of you have good taste in burgers but aren't very aware.
Posted by Wake UP @ August 22, 2006 7:17 PM
doesn't animal style attribute extra spread?
and isn't spread mayonnaise based?
and isn't mayonnaise not vegan?
Posted by bryan @ March 20, 2007 2:34 AM
yeah...not very smart to eat at a place that serves burgers (and grilled cheese as the non-meat alternative). if you are vegan, you can get the fries.
and animal style means sauce. which is lots of mayonnaise, and tastes like it.
think first.
Posted by think! @ December 27, 2007 12:49 AM
yeah...not very smart to eat at a place that serves burgers (and grilled cheese as the non-meat alternative). if you are vegan, you can get the fries.
and animal style means sauce. which is lots of mayonnaise, and tastes like it.
think first.
Posted by think! @ December 27, 2007 12:50 AM
we should just make this simple, he is gay so his opinion does not count. the end
Posted by wtf @ February 14, 2008 8:18 PM
Post a comment:
Oh, sweetest Ritchey, I'm sorry for your In-n-Out troubles. I was surprised after hearing that you had a terrible experience that it was just that they got your order wrong. Do you always refuse to go to a restaurant if they get something wrong in the order? This seems drastic, especially since you didn't even try to rectify the situation and get what you really wanted, because I'm sure they would've fulfilled your order to your liking as they are known for their customer service.
As to help you from further ordering mishaps what you want to order is:
A Wish Burger Monster Style.
"Animal Style" = the meat is grilled with mustard, then pickles, extra spread, and grilled onions are added.
"Wish Burger," burger without patty or cheese.
Posted by Steve Schroeder @ November 29, 2004 12:41 PM