Tofu Casualties

Fake meat can be one of those hot-button issues that divide a community of otherwise likeminded people into two camps — like Marilyn Manson, or the state of Israel. Some vegetarians swear by the stuff and others swear at it. And frankly we can see both sides.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty political implications of how Morning Star Farms grows its textured vegetable protein, suffice it to say that there must be worse things — both for your body and for the World — than a little soy beef and broccoli.

So when one of us got tipped off the other day (from some dude at an extreme noise show no less) about this fake meat bazaar somewhere deep in the San Fernando Valley with a vegan version of every animal part under the Sun, we had to check it out.

What we found were all the creatures of Noah’s Ark, made out of tofu. So for all you tofu casualties out there, here’s a transcript of our snacking with some warnings and recommendations.

Dried Veggie Baby Squid

Evan: It doesn’t say what’s in this one, but it’s definitely covered in a sweet syrup of some kind — a lot of salt and crunchy soy. It’d be good in a salad. Maybe compliment it with green papaya and rice wine vinegar?
Alex: To me it tastes like there’s too much fish sauce in it to be vegetarian, but the dude swore it was vegan.
Evan: It looks like worms but it tastes like…
Alex: Not squid.
Evan: Doesn’t it call itself “baby squid”?
Alex: The other night I made a weird taco with it and collard greens— that kind of ruled.

Veggie Oysters

Evan: These oysters are pretty gross looking, wrinkly and fat and covered in a skin of spices and sauce goo. This is exactly the kind of shit that you dig huh? It’s very realistic in texture and the lemongrass gives it a sea funk.
Alex: Total sea funk and you’re right I love it. The dude who made it even stuffed it with something black to make it look like an oyster. It’s great on a cracker with some generic hot sauce.
Evan: Maybe we should do vegan oyster shooters.
Alex: Absolutely not.

Veggie Deer Jerky (Spicy and Mild)

Alex: We bought two different kinds, one was a little sweeter than the other.
Evan: And yet they’re both supposedly deer jerky, which is pretty fucking specific.
Alex: The texture is intensely like jerky. You can really sink your teeth into, it’s not like plastic, which is what even shitty real jerky is like.
Evan: I think I taste tamarind.
Alex: It tastes like most Asian markets smell.
Evan: Spicy incense. Ooh I just got a tough part. Like a bone.
Alex: It is free of eggs, alcohol and Borax.
Evan: It says that?
Alex: It also has 40 grams of protein.

Veggie Turkey Loaf

Alex: It’s a whole other world from store-bought Tofurkey. It’s not as up front or as realistic in texture or flavor, which isn’t really its goal it seems like.
Evan: Its texture is more like soy cheese than meat which is kind of not that appetizing to be honest. It’s like I don’t want to eat vegetarian foie gras for the same reason, you know? But I quite like the little peppercorns in it.
Alex: That’s a bonus.
Evan: See, eating straight it lacks in comparison to something smoked and deli-thin.
Alex: But I imagine it makes a better vegetarian bahn mi, cuz it tastes less overpowering so it could compliment all the Vietnamese flavors well.

Nazi Mushroom Powder

Alex: The dude who sold it to me said that it would become my favorite seasoning, that I would put it in everything and that it would last me for a year.