It’s the holidaze — time to find truth and meaning and reason to live — and we think there’s no better place to seek all of these things than in soup. So, to get ready for the Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza season Hot Knives gathered around the tree (our stove) with all of our presents (garlic and onions) and relived an important miracle story.

Like 2006 years ago — the story goes — Big Baby Jesus got a visit from three wise men from Persia. Dudes’ names were Balthasar, Melchior and Caspar. Yeah, Caspar. And these Magi, in their infinite wisdom, brought some gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Now, here’s where the story diverges because Christian conservatives will tell you that these gifts of oils and minerals were literal, however, we prefer to believe that’s figurative, metaphorical. After all, these kings were Persian Zarathustrian dark lord priests. They weren’t about to bestow this King of Kings with some fucking money and tree sap. Figurative for what then? Soup.

And because even non-Christians like us see the power of three. We give you this Holy Trinity of holiday soup shooters. Garnish with tinsel.

Fake meat can be one of those hot-button issues that divide a community of otherwise likeminded people into two camps — like Marilyn Manson, or the state of Israel. Some vegetarians swear by the stuff and others swear at it. And frankly we can see both sides.

Without getting into the nitty-gritty political implications of how Morning Star Farms grows its textured vegetable protein, suffice it to say that there must be worse things — both for your body and for the World — than a little soy beef and broccoli.

So when one of us got tipped off the other day (from some dude at an extreme noise show no less) about this fake meat bazaar somewhere deep in the San Fernando Valley with a vegan version of every animal part under the Sun, we had to check it out.

What we found were all the creatures of Noah’s Ark, made out of tofu. So for all you tofu casualties out there, here’s a transcript of our snacking with some warnings and recommendations.

Dried Veggie Baby Squid

Evan: It doesn’t say what’s in this one, but it’s definitely covered in a sweet syrup of some kind — a lot of salt and crunchy soy. It’d be good in a salad. Maybe compliment it with green papaya and rice wine vinegar?
Alex: To me it tastes like there’s too much fish sauce in it to be vegetarian, but the dude swore it was vegan.
Evan: It looks like worms but it tastes like…
Alex: Not squid.
Evan: Doesn’t it call itself “baby squid”?
Alex: The other night I made a weird taco with it and collard greens— that kind of ruled.

Veggie Oysters

Evan: These oysters are pretty gross looking, wrinkly and fat and covered in a skin of spices and sauce goo. This is exactly the kind of shit that you dig huh? It’s very realistic in texture and the lemongrass gives it a sea funk.
Alex: Total sea funk and you’re right I love it. The dude who made it even stuffed it with something black to make it look like an oyster. It’s great on a cracker with some generic hot sauce.
Evan: Maybe we should do vegan oyster shooters.
Alex: Absolutely not.

Veggie Deer Jerky (Spicy and Mild)

Alex: We bought two different kinds, one was a little sweeter than the other.
Evan: And yet they’re both supposedly deer jerky, which is pretty fucking specific.
Alex: The texture is intensely like jerky. You can really sink your teeth into, it’s not like plastic, which is what even shitty real jerky is like.
Evan: I think I taste tamarind.
Alex: It tastes like most Asian markets smell.
Evan: Spicy incense. Ooh I just got a tough part. Like a bone.
Alex: It is free of eggs, alcohol and Borax.
Evan: It says that?
Alex: It also has 40 grams of protein.

Veggie Turkey Loaf

Alex: It’s a whole other world from store-bought Tofurkey. It’s not as up front or as realistic in texture or flavor, which isn’t really its goal it seems like.
Evan: Its texture is more like soy cheese than meat which is kind of not that appetizing to be honest. It’s like I don’t want to eat vegetarian foie gras for the same reason, you know? But I quite like the little peppercorns in it.
Alex: That’s a bonus.
Evan: See, eating straight it lacks in comparison to something smoked and deli-thin.
Alex: But I imagine it makes a better vegetarian bahn mi, cuz it tastes less overpowering so it could compliment all the Vietnamese flavors well.

Nazi Mushroom Powder

Alex: The dude who sold it to me said that it would become my favorite seasoning, that I would put it in everything and that it would last me for a year.

We were pleased to jump through the latest hoop toward World Wide Web domination last week when the Urban Honking intelligentsia suggested we accept a cooking challenge: Prepare a fancy pants, vegetarian feast for three L.A.-based Ur-Ho bloggaz. The catch? The meal was to cost $40 and no more.

You know that saying about not being able to take the heat, something, something… We said “Fuck yeah, we’re in!”

So last Sunday we had the distinct pleasure of hanging out with AC, Starr and Ritchey and cooking them what we considered to be a top-notch, mostly vegan meal. The only wrench in the proverbial gears was that Starr brought a friend, so our budget got a bit of an ass kicking (Full disclosure: We spent $42.50 on a four-person meal. And we think it’s only fair.) But, as it turned out, that friend was also a food freak and former cook in his own right so it was even radder. We also whipped up a last minute desert from scratch that wasn’t included—a pear and pomegranate reduction Pop-Tart.

Now, you can read the kind, kind praise over at “Regarding” from Ritchey or you can see it all unfold in the video footage. But we think the most useful part of the evening is that all four courses got a thumbs-up, so we’ve reproduced the recipes here for your home improvisation. Have at it!

Pizza is a staple of our diet. With a base of bread and a pile of veggies, fruits, meats, and cheese, pizza is a literal food pyramid. While arguing over toppings defines our culture as much as arguing politics, the classic slice of cheese is the basis by which we judge one pizzeria from another. The cheese slice allows us to compare "apples to apples", rather than taking a slice of ham and pineapple and trying to compare that to pesto sauce and chicken. We eliminate all the wonderful clutter that can be a slice of pizza and just focus on the basics: crust, sauce, and cheese.

In order to make our Five Part Investigation of Portland Pizza as useful as possible, we have limited our scope to pizza that is delivered. While this does remove from the running the local favorites like Ken's Artisan Pizza, Escape From New York, and Apizza Scholls, we feel like there is much more usefulness in the best delivered pie. We've also broken down our search by quadrant to better address the places to consider when ordering pizza. Part one is North Portland.

We chose four places to call, including Pizza Hut as a representative of the national chains that can deliver anywhere. Surprisingly, we had difficulty in recalling even three places in North Portland that delivered. We chose Pizza A-Go-Go, Mississippi Pizza, and Tom's Pizza and Pub.

At 7:45 pm on a Friday night we called the four pizza places at the same time and ordered a cheese pizza. Right away we ran into some snags. Mississippi Pizza does not deliver! We quickly called Eddy's Flatiron Pizza (a favorite of North Portland residents Curt and Molly) and noted the time differential. The other problem was that Tom's Pizza and Pub had a minimum delivery order and a single cheese pizza did not meet that minimum, so we added an order of cheesy breadsticks.

After making the calls and dealing with the initial problems, we looked at the info we had so far, Delivery Estimates: Pizza Hut made a bold claim of only 28 minutes. Eddy's Flatiron Pizza said 35 to 40 minutes. Tom's Pizza was a 45 minute estimate, and Pizza A Go Go was a surprising hour to an hour and 15 minutes.

Pizza Hut

Coming in well under the 28 minute claim was Pizza Hut, arriving just 19 minutes and 42 seconds from the point at which we started to dial their number. Everyone was impressed, and a little suspicious. Were they just out there circling the neighborhoods with pizza's ready to deliver?

With seven people tasting and rating the flavor on a scale of one to ten, we had a wide variety of scores that averaged out to 4.57/10. Clearly this wasn't great pizza, but the delivery time was great.

Sarah: "I get an aftertaste of lard."
Willow: "I love the crispy-grease-salt layer at the bottom of the crust!"
Adam: "Tastes like Texas Toast."

Tom's Pizza and Pub

Also well under their own estimate of 45 minutes was Tom's Pizza and Pub, arriving in 29 minutes and 35 seconds. We were initially excited that a local pizzeria wasn't too far behind the national chain.

In the battle of flavor however, Tom's Pizza and Pub was decimated with an average score of just 2.42. Being rated so low after all we had tried was Pizza hut speaks especially poorly of this pizza. Interestingly, the extra breadsticks we had to order were much better received, but not part of this study.

Brian: "A spicy scent, but a doughy crusty flour tasting crust."
Daniel: "This is the pizza version of bad Mexican food."
Steve: "It's a little too soft, but I like the thickness of the crust."
Willow: "Sick."

Eddy's Flatiron Pizza

Eddy's Flatiron Pizza was the Babe Ruth of estimating delivery time. They told us 35 to 40 minutes and it arrived at 36 minutes and 10 seconds. Respect.

Unfortunately, that was the last bit of respect Eddy's would be getting for the night, gaining only a 3.2 out of ten in the category of taste. While not the worst pizza of the night, it's still in the Very Bad category.

Steve: "The thin crust and square cut is novel, but it's too salty."
Adam: "Has the weirdest texture, a hard bottom and soft top. The flavor is salty and citrus."
Willow: "Very, very salty. The crust is like dust and the cheese is more sticky than anything else."

Pizza A Go Go

Pizza A Go Go? More like Pizza A No Show. While the pizza was within their estimated time frame of an hour to an hour and 15 minutes, waiting an hour and 13 minutes is just much too long to wait.

Personally I wasn't too surprised to find that Pizza A Go Go won in the flavor category, but I was surprised that they only barely beat out Pizza Hut with a 4.71 our of 10 rating. Clearly North Portland has a lot to learn about pizza.

Daniel: "This pizza is cold."
Brian: "The crust is toasted to the supreme, but there is a carbon flavor..."
Sarah: "Pleasantly oily, like olive oil instead of lard."

Additional Data

While a delivered pizza should be judged on taste and time, it's interesting to compare that data with some other numbers. By measuring several slices we determined the average weight of a slice from each pizzeria, and then based on the price determined the cost per ounce.

(*Eddy's pizza was cut into 16 smaller squares, so we used two squares to make one slice)

Conclusion

North Portland has some of the best food in Portland, and so it's with disappointment that we can recommend no pizza for delivery in this quadrant. I'm sure that people will attempt to refute our findings and we welcome the discourse, because it's a sad day when the only prospects for a delivered cheese pizza rate less than 5 out of 10. It is my hope that we missed some secret local pizzeria that is making great pizza and delivering it under an hour.

Next Up: The Northwest Quadrant, including local favorite Hot Lips and the haunted pies of Old Town Pizza.

Team North

The North Portland Pizza Tasting Team was a diverse and experienced group of pizza experts:

Steve Schroeder: "I find Personal Power through Pizza (and Tony Robbins)."
Daniel Peterson: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, eat two pizzas."
Adam Forkner: "I've never met a pizza I didn't eat."
Willow Wonder: "I love pizza."
Sarah Meadows: "The pizza! Definitely not you guys..."
Brian Slaughter: "One remains faithful to a pizza only because its toppings do not cease to be insipid."
Mike Merrill: "I eat pizza for breakfast."