November 2004 Archives

In-N-Out Burger. For those of you who are "from" California (like myself and my lover, Mr. Peterson), the sight of In-N-Out's red neon lights and that big swoopy yellow arrow is a cause for rejoicing and regional pride. People take In-N-Out very seriously. I myself do not--for example, I'm not even sure I'm spelling it correctly with all the appropriate punctuation--however, there are times on tour when we would be with a native Californian who, with wide eyes and many ejaculatory descriptive phrases ("so fucking awesome") would take us to In-N-Out for lunch or some such. I, being as game to experiment with food as my incredibly restrictive ethical vegan diet allows, would affably sally forth on these little excursions, sharing with Jona an enthusiasm for the famed "grilled cheese without the cheese with animal sauce" menu item which is not actually featured on the menu.

Mr. Peterson and I, being exhausted and hungry after our whirlwind Thanksgiving trip to Portland, were headed back to our home in Santa Cruz last night. I had been talking up the "animal style cheeseless grilled cheese" for a few hours, and when we saw that first cartoony neon arrow, Andrew pulled off the freeway. Making haste, we entered the In-N-Out to find what I can only describe as "a melee of Vietnam-era proportions." At least 68 people were staffed, running hither and thither behind the counter, sweating copiously, and yelling things at each other such as, "LETTUCE! GIVE IT TO ME!" and "FRIES! FRIES! FRIES!" There was a manager rushing back and forth, pointing, clapping, cheering people on, sending people on their breaks. It was reminiscent of what I fantasize an Emergency operation room must be like on New Year's Eve in Detroit. "GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!"

I ordered our animal style cheeseless grilled cheeses from the aggressively energetic, sweating young man whose turn it was to "take the counter." He was confused by my order, but I thought we cleared it up. Nay, my friends. Nay. When our number was called, we retrieved our paper-clad food items and found, upon walking out to the car, that we had been served not an animal style cheeseless grilled cheese, what with the pickles and the condiments and the special sauce and the fancy bun. We had been served rather a "vertiable lettuce sandwich." This was a piece of lettuce enclosing a giant glob of condiments and a few pickles. Literally.

"What is this?" Mr. Peterson cried, "this is what you've been talking about?"

Shocked and chagrined, I tried to play it off. "I think it's good," I said."

"Who would EAT this?" yelled my lover, "even VEGANS wouldn't eat this!"

We finally realized that we had been given In-N-Out's psychotic Atkins menu item, without the meat or cheese. A bunless burger with no burger, if you will.

It was.....disgusting.

The lettuce was freezing cold. The huge mouthfulls of condiments were equally chilly, but the pickles were warm. Giant runnels of ketchup and animal sauce squirted out of the various imperfections in the lettuce and filled the palm of my hand with sticky wretchedness. The lettuce itself, far from being an adequate replacement for some type of "bun" or "hamburger bun" or "buns," was rather more akin to a frigid sheet of cardboard: thin, substanceless, tasteless.

Morally offended on every conceivable level, we threw our refuse in the refuse receptacle, got in the car, and screeched back onto the freeway. Mr. Peterson announced that he would never again go to In-N-Out burger.

And, to the future shock and loss of respect incurred from friends such as Dave Kolek, I must concur.

In-N-Out Burger: YOU BLEW IT.

Hardee's (owned by CKE Restaurants, the company that brought us Carl's Jr. and purchased Hardee's in 1997 as a way to expand their brand into the southeast) unveiled the Monster Thickburger, a burger made of two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of American cheese and some mayonnaise -- all on a buttered, toasted, sesame seed bun.

This beast is a mighty 1,420-calories with 107 grams of fat. The dare is to find one and eat in one sitting (and provide video footage). Good luck digesting this! (Curt, you are at ground zero of the Hardee's infestation) We would also love some commentary about how you feel after eating this (can you actually feel your arteries clogging and heart straining to continue to pump blood throughout your body?)

More impressive than than the size is the name. "Thickburger" sounds so awful, rolling off the tongue like an insult, but with a catchiness that makes me want to repeat it over and over. CKE restaurants is also introducing a Pastrami Burger (which just feels so Jack In The Box to me) at Carl's Jr. (I'll let somone else comment on the irony of their sexual advertising)

UPDATE: Michael Jacobsen, the executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest has a few words about the Thickburger. (play MP3 96KB)

UPDATE: Thickburger wants to be talked about.

Having lived in Cincinnati, Ohio for 3 years (89-92) I knew they had some special food treats and with a short visit there this weekend I knew I had to revisit some of these special foods. The biggest regional food item in the southwestern Ohio/northern Kentucky area is a variation on chili that is called Cincinnati Chili or probably best known by the largest restaurant that sells it, Skyline Chili. There are two main difference between Skyline Chili and your normal texas style chili, first off is the taste, Cincinnati Chili has a sweetness from what I believe is cinnamon that is reall interesting. The other main difference is that this chili is not meant to be eaten by itself out of a bowl, but rather the way they do it in Cincinnati is eat it with spaghetti noodles and heaping cheese. You order it 3-way (spaghetti, chili, cheese) 4-way (spaghetti, chili, cheese, and onions or beans) or 5-way (spaghetti, chili, cheese, onions, and beans). The other thing is coney dogs which are miniature chili dogs, and they are also very good. Skyline chili is so big in Cincinnati there are near 100 Skyline loacations in the Cincinnati metro area alone with about 40 locations in other areas. It shocks me that this product can be so huge in one area and most people in other areas have no idea about Cincinnati chili. So, luckily, we hit up a Skyline Chili only hours after arriving in Cincy for the weekend. It didn't dissapoint.

The next morning at a incredibly awesome high school football tailgate I encountered my second awesome regional delight of the weekend. Our friends were grilling this stuff called goette. It is sorta like hash but made with pork sausage and pin oats there must have been a little onion in it as well. It came packaged in a tube thing like breakfast sausage patties or something. Our cook just sliced off small patties and grilled them up. We ate the patties on english muffins, which I was told was not the normal way to do it. You normally just eat it straigh off a plate. The big debate was whether you ate it with ketchup. Some people swore that ketchup was needed, others thought that was sacirlege. Either way goette tastes good.

The next treat I encountered was Ale-8-One. I had tried Ale-8-One many years before only once or twice, but had forgot about it. Ale-8-One is a ginger ale from Winchester, Kentucky. Kentucky is home to many interesting drinks, including the similar Vernor's. I really enjoy Ale-8-One's packaging and am a huge fan of most ginger ales or brews and si it was a treat to have a second opportunity to try this beverage. On the sweeter side of ginger ales, which I normally don't prefer, Ale-8-One surprises with its well crafted formula. It is genuinely refreshing, goes down smooth, and has just a little bit of that ginger nip for you.

I have an image of some hillbilly type mixing together different potions in a bathtub or old oaken bucket to try to perfect his "GINGER'RD ALE." Well, turns out, this image in my head is just not true. Actually, Ale-8-One was created byt GL Wainscott, which is quite a fancy lad sounding name. He created Ale-8-One after being inspired by "ginger-blended recipes he acquired during extensive travels in Northern Europe." Not very hillbilly. The drink got it's name, which is officially "A Late One" (what?) via a product naming contest, which were quite popular in the 1920s The logo and and nickname were a play on words from "A Late One." The formula is still a secret today and the company is still run by Wainscott's great nephew. Man, I love a local/regional beverage.

Here is a map of where Ale-8-One is available:

My final treat for the weekend was Larosa's Pizza. The largest local pizza chain in the Cincinnati area has great pizza. There sauce is the most distinct part, a little sweeter than normal and a tinge of spicy as well. Their dough tastes fresh or more real than your national chains as it is a little crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside.

Cincinnati seems to have more regional treats per capita than other areas I have visited and that adds to the region being a really fuun place to visit. Their regional treats all have an interesting sweetness. Oh, also, local Cincinatans favorite exclamation is "Geez Ol' Petes" and they always ask "Please?" instead of "Excuse Me" or "I Can't Hear You." Distinct dudes, distinct folks.

By now you know about the French Paradox, right? The country with the lowest incidence of heart disease is Japan. Makes sense; their traditional diet is extremely low in red meat and dairy products and high in fish and vegetables. But the second country on the list is France, and the French have a very low incidence of obesity as well. How can this be, in a country full of foie gras, red meat, rich and elegant cream sauces, and everything, but everything monter a beurre ("mounted in butter," that is, finished off with butter right before serving)? The land of croissants, chocolate, and cheese?

Lots of people have come up with theories about why this could be. Maybe red wine has some magical heart-friendly properties, or maybe it's some chemical in the chocolate. Or maybe when you eat a lot of fat, your body stops producing its own cholesterol.

The heart thing is still up for debate, but as for the weight part? Turns out the French, for all their rich cuisine, just plain eat less:

"As a consequence of all these mighty meals, the average calorie consumption in the United States weighs in at 3,642 a day, against 3,551 in France - a small difference, but one that can add up to a five-pound weight gain in six months."

I observed this myself: during the 6 months I was doing my French cheese research project, I was buying extraordinarily delicious, extraordinarily expensive cheese, and enjoying every bite. But the richness and robust taste made me satisfied with a bite or two of each cheese, compared to an entire quesadilla filled with piles of shredded medium cheddar.

(One of the things I especially like about this article is that it is ripping on Britain, for the most part, and not the states. It's refreshing to get a break from American-bashing from time to time. And besides, then we get to read about things like marmite, Tandoori Doritos, Scotch-egg bars and 'Christmas-pudding Flavoured KitKat.' Flavoured! Love those wacky Brits!)