BARRING THOUGHTS ON NH

FROM January 9, 2008

Rather than talking about my disappointment, I am going to ponder my fascination with the Republican candidates for a moment, while I still can, during the grace period before I have to start being afraid of whatever religious freakfest those mofos start proffering for prez.

1. JOHN MCCAIN: The least offensive of all the potentials, though I still wouldn't vote for him, obviously. Mo told me he is 99 years old. His wife is slightly too botoxed and fake-tanned for my liking, but she does a lot of cool non-profit ish and had a five-year addiction to painkillers in the early '90s, which makes me like her more (I go in hard for all that "survivor of my escapist vice" shit).

2. MITT ROMNEY: Name contains same amount of syllables as "GOD's ROTTWEILER." You do the math.

3. GIULIANI: TWO WORDS: CABARET LAW. Do you want to live in a country just like the first part of the movie Footloose, where dancing is outlawed?

4. MIKE HUCKABEE: Hands down, my favorite candidate of the Republicans (at least while he is still a super-long-shot and unlikely to actually get voted in). He is the Nicholas Cage of the Republican primary: Over the top, ridiculous, self-aware, ironic in a way, wears funny sweaters, lost 180 lbs, best friends with Chuck Norris. Doesn't believe in evolution! LOL What a cad! He is the candidate I can imagine John Waters inventing for a short movie about fringe politicians. During his Iowa victory speech, he was like, "I have to thank my beautiful wife standing behind me," and I was like DAMN! Huckabee's wife is like NINETEEN! But later I found out that it was Chuck Norris's wife behind him, and Huckabee's wife was behind him but off camera. Do you think he did that on purpose?