Gloria in Ay, Dios Mio

FROM August 30, 2004

RIP to Laura Branigan, she of my trademark karaoke song, "Gloria."

VMAs were slightly more exciting than my mom at church, and a flagrant waste of celebrity... like, why even invite Missy Elliott if you only alot her 30 seconds of mic time? Or did Usher's auto-erotic acceptance speeches cut into everyone else's screen shots? Also, the Lakers LOST the series, so why was Shaq hosting to "Let's get Barftarded" instead of oh, I don't know, A PISTON?! Let us not forget we congratulate winners around here, and haterate losers, and that Shaq, despite having a build not dissimilar to the Beasties' Sasquatch doll, is an unequivocal LOSER.

Unspoken rivalries made for slightly interesting friction. For instance, who had worse pitch: Hoobastank singer or Chaka Khan? Who is the wacker Simpson: Ashlee or Jessica? Who is drunker: P.Diddy or Bruce Willis? Such questions weigh on one's mind for 1/8th of a synapse, and then... nothing.