FOR THIS PIECE OF WORK, I DEMAND A PULITZER!

ladies and gentlemen, lovers and friends, homies and haters,
I present to you the most important journalistic work in a generation:
WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY MONKEYS.
This is, by far, the most encouraging passage:
Aggressive city monkeys will give you lots of warnings before an actual fight breaks out.

Live, learn, absorb: you never know if a gang of angry macaques is gonna jump your ass next time you're kicking it at the Shake Shack. But take comfort in the knowledge that ALL THEY WANT IS A FRY.