that which cannot be filled
Today is the second day I have been 30. I canceled work and therapy and wandered around outside alone, which is the activity I have spent the most total time doing since I moved to New York.
Water's great gift is weightlessness. Age's great trick is that the longer you go, the more lonely you'll be, which is fucked if you started where some people do. Even if the calls come: the problem with a heart like a sieve. I went swimming for its negating qualities.
there is that difference between loneliness and solitutde, though. as we grow older, the chatter around us tapers off--the constant audience to our every triumph and trial--but we know ourselves better and have grown (ideally) into finer people, so that just our own company isn't as bad. I miss the days when my friends were my constant family, when my girls and boys weren't all divided out. I miss the friends and family who have died. But I am less afraid of life at this point because I know (and I'm sure you have learned) that I will be me no matter what. Cue the free to be you and me music, for sure.