Y Control

Note to self: become Dadaist? Perf art party at my apartment, RIGHT NOW--BUT YOU HAVE TO FIND IT FIRST! And you don't get in unless you wear a mask and a tailfeather. We're going to smear Bliss spa mud on a wall-sized blow-up of Tony Blair.

Speaking of radiant skin: tonight some bored friends and I watched and "deconstructed" two hours of gay male porn with the sound turned down, the iPod up. Some of that porn was 18 & Horny, which would have been more accurately titled 47 & Sweaty. Mostly, we viewed one 1998 tape called Images of Lust, which was so low-budge that, during one kissing close-up, the "filmmakers" switched on some trippy VHS effect to obscure the giant zit on one of the actors' chins. Luckily, I had a crew of eight to support (or goad?) me through this journey--three gay men, two straight men, three straight women--and I discovered two things:

1. The "Crut's Hush-Up Mix" of "Wait (The Whisper Song)" is the "Fallen (Polow da Don Mix)" of 2005. (Meaning: flat parts get full and swing.) Download it RIGHT NOW. You cannot continue hearing that stale-ass wannabe "drop it like it's hot" day-old hamburger of a Smurf beat after 1 taste of the "Hush Up Mix"'s luscious lascivious pregnant breaks, chirping birds, wurlitzer melody and outro lady-humpery.

(Content note: the "Beat that pussy up" lyric is erased, "Wait'll you see my dick" is now "wait'll I show you this," which is fine by me. Special to K.S.: now, if only Gwen Stefani would just stop perpetrating with the Harajuku girls, my role here would be finis.)

2. After said two hours of gay male porn, I went dancing with the porn posse, and my objectification quotient NOTICABLY increased. It took me a minute before I realized I was staring at half the men in the bar with "images of lust" in my head--not unusual in and of itself, except these images had nothing to do with my normal images of lust--for one, my normal images of lust don't include two twinks and a police baton. No, my objectification directly corresponded to the images of lust in Images of Lust. Not enough evidence to form a hypothesis, but vaguely disorienting. As Karen O said, "I wish I could buy back the woman you stole."