i long for the days when all that was expected of me was needlepoint

Scandal rags and barely conscious Americans are destroying Australia, reports The Age, and ruining its moral compass:

"I remember a time of cheese recipes, crochet poncho patterns and lovely snaps of Maggie Tabberer whirling around in yet another tent. Now, it's Courtney Love on the floor with her legs up over her head."

I am absolutely appalled. When I visit Australia, where can I turn for advice on the pimiento ambrosia?